Thank You guys! your awesome!

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition... I am so so so bored... blah... Today I realized what true friendship is... a true friend will admit what they really do in the shower... and Jennifer... your secret is safe with me... I have had a buttonload of friends in my short life... Some have become closer then others. A good true friend will tell you like it is and keep you in reality, but will take the time to dream with you too. A good true friend will be offended with you when guys treat you as nothing more then a sex toy. A good true friend will hop in her car with you and drive around town listening to obnoxious music while cat calling ugly guys (hey... it boost their selfestem). A good true friend will hold you when you cry and sing a simple sweet song in your ear, then make a compleate goof of himself just to see you smile. I have really and truly been blessed with a coulple of great friends that are truly awesome people with beautiful souls.

just want to go away

Easter has never been the same since my gramie sold her farm. I never have liked it since. In fact I kinda dread it. I dont like change and when change does happen it takes awhile for me to get used to it. Really lame, I know. This Easter I spent time with my family (like I have done ever year of my life) cept this time I brought my boyfriend and best gal friend with me. (I needed backup incase my mom went bipolar again) We all went to church then to my aunt marcies house... I thought it was gonna be alot worse then it really was. (no one in the family really likes haning out with the people that hosted Easter dinner this year). I would have rathered stayed home then go to Easter dinner this year. Thats really sad I know, but I feel like I have growen apart from my family. The kinda life I have chosen to live doesnt exactly fit in with the kinda life they see as acceptable. I am not a horrible person. They would have told me so otherwise, but I feel like I am constantly being judged and will never meet the standerds they have set for me. A few weeks ago my parents found my old 'myspace' page. It was full of things that I used to do and by reading it one would think that I was a very angry person that I was living a life full of sin and shame. (as my mother would put it). Kinda odd for me to be attracted to a life of parties and boys and "unholy" things. Growing up I was a very Godly woman, always going to church trying to convert unchurched people to Christ. I was very adamit about Jesus and his Ministry and making it my ministry. I was always in church, going to every event they had. At one point in high school I even wanted to be a Missionary in Japan. Choising that life made me an outcast in Jr. High and High School. I was the one that everyone made fun of. The more I spoke of God and Church, the more vulger the boys would act around me, just to make me turn red. I was like the girl on "A Walk to Remember" cept 10x WORSE! neways... I hated it... After I moved out of my parents house I decided it was time for a makeover... I threw away all my church upbringing and disapline. I got a hot car (2001 red convertable mustang with leather and killer sound system), sexy cothes, bad temper, saliors mouth, and no regard for anyone else. I wanted to be the girl all guys wanted and the girl all other girls hated. Thats what I became... I commanded any room I walked into, I could drink any guy under the table, I could get any guy I wanted. It was really an easy transformation... I guess I always had that girl inside me somewhere... then things started going down hill... I became a dream girl... I guess... but dreams dont last long... I got really sick from not eating, now I cant go without eating for more then a few hours. I had to sell my car, I couldnt afford to keep getting it fixed. I cant drink... it makes me sick (thats not a bad thing though...) But most importantly... I lost the respect and trust of my family... thats the whole point of this blog I guess... I know a person can outgrow their friends... but can a person outgrow a family? It breaks my heart thinking of it, and I cant help but cry. These last few weeks have been very very emotional. I can tell my parents I am not that girl anymore, Ive changed... really and truly I have. I am not that crazy party girl anymore (cant belive I am going to admit this... but...)I love going to church, infact I really desire it (not the church they go to though, but like I said... I dont like change and dont wanna go to any other church)... I could tell them, but they wouldnt really belive me. They would always have a doubt. When I look at my mom I see heartbreak in her eyes, I broke my moms heart, and the sad thing is... I dont have any regrets with any choice I have made in my life... Is that horrible? Sometimes I want to just move away... I know I will never "fit in" the same way I used to with my family. It would be alot easier to live my own life if I didnt have the people I love most juding me on every move I make. I know they love and they say the want the best for me, but what they want and what I want are two different things. So ya... Ya'all probally are like... OMG... this girl has issues, but oh well... ya'all are the one that wasted your time in reading it... so... blah...

Heartbreak (nothing more)

Heartbreak (nothing more)
I am so foolish to think that you actually loved me. Another presence is all you desired. Nothing more. My spirit so humble and willing, you found I was easy to break and become addicted to you. I became jealous of you. Jealous of your assurance. Yet your assurance was feed from your fear. Your fear of rejection. You hide that fear with a false sense of love. Since that love was just a lie, emotional anguish moved you day to day. You cried out in pain and begged me to pull you out from the pit you dug for yourself. I reached for you, but you pulled me in and watched with a smile as I fell. I fell down to the death of myself. Now with eyes open wide I live a dead life. Nothing more. I carry on as my dead spirit rots its way from the inside out. I dream about the life I once lived. The life when we were friends. How can we have been friends, you hated me. You hated every breath I took. Each word you spoke to me was saturated with despise. Yet I clung to your pretense love and friendship. Now its gone and I don't want to play pretend anymore. You and I will never be friends again. A demonic force breaths in your soul and is drawing you to your death. The difference between your death and mine is that I died emotionally and the creator of emotion will give me life again, but your death is is eternal. My heart should break for you, but your so called love shattered my heart and now Ive become numb. Numb to all emotion. Emotionless, spiritless... you killed me.