Ectopic Confessions

Meet, Kellen Lee Whipple

The day after my surgery, my doctor had told me he had gotten a few pictures of the baby. I waited anxiously for two weeks to receive the pictures. I had no clue what I was going to see... In my mind I pictured a small baby... with arms and legs. At 8 weeks, the baby would be moving his/her arms and legs... he/she would have taste buds as well as every major organ. There is nothing precious or sweet about this picture... but in this picture is a very small person... this is my baby! 

I debated whether or not to share this photo... it is so personal... and raw. I was anxious to see the picture... I was scared about how I was going to feel. So I searched online for pictures of ectopic pregnancies... and found few... I wish their had been more. I don't like surprises at all... I wish I would have had an idea of what I was going to see... thus helping me decided to share this. This is my ectopic pregnancy and left tube removal at 8 weeks, after D&C and laparoscopy... (helping Google sort and list this blog) 

I have been dealing with grief insomnia for weeks now. In the quiet of the night my mind wanders... what-ifs and guilt plague my thoughts. 

What really gets me... what really just pains my soul, is being apart from my babies. I am so head over heals in love with my children... all of them. My heart beats for them... and to have to spend a life-time without them takes my breath away... it is literally hard to breath. 

This is nothing new... after each loss, I experience a tremendous amount of anxiety... but in time, I find myself functioning more and more... being able to see friends and spend time in non baby related thoughts. However, with each loss I would find myself deeper in this dark place... naturally mourning every single loss over again. 

Daniel and I have been relying heavily on each other as well as God for comfort. He is our refuge and our strength. In the nights I would lay awake with the darkness of my soul,  I would close my eyes and picture myself resting in the arms of God. I felt His presence... and my breathing would slow... every anxiety would leave... I would slowly drift off to sleep. A friend of mine had commented on my last blog... and what she said brought me tears of joy... and relief. She told me how God was holding my precious baby... something I had thought of before... you always imagine your angel baby being loved on by God. But thinking of God holding my baby... my babies... and God holding me as well. In the quiet of the night, when I am resting in the arms of my Lord and Savior, I am close to my babies too. 

Late Night Thoughts

For the last week I have laid in bed and watched each minute turn into hour after hour. My body is exhausted but sleep just doesn't happen.

SO I lay in bed with my Kindle... and I Googled.

Google says "Grief Insomnia"...

ok... so I lay in bed annoyed at grief insomnia.

I think about my baby... my babies... all of them. I don't have any memories of my youngest baby... who we named Kellen. I don't know if my baby is a girl or a boy. I have no good memories at all. No joy of finding out we were pregnant. No excitement as we told our friends and family. Just total devastation... grief.

I replay the whole experience over and over again in my head. It is the only memory I have of my baby... a terrible memory... but I can't help but think about it... I need that connection.

I think about how different a hospital stay is when you had surgery to remove a baby from a fallopian tube versus delivering a term baby.

• When you are in the hospital to deliver a baby (in my experience with 2 cesarean sections)---nurses check on you very often... before and after the baby arrives.
• When you have a baby removed from your tubes--- your nurses don't visit as often... and you certainly don't get that tasty cranberry 7-up cocktail they so freely give in the OB ward.

• When you are in the hospital to deliver a baby--- you get a private room... which is constantly full of nurses all hours of the night, hospital staff and visitors... you are never alone... and all you want is peace and quiet!
• When your baby is removed simply because it grew in the wrong spot--- you get a noisy room, with flimsy drapes... and a room neighbor who snores, eats fried chicken, and walks around with their gown open in the back. You have no visitors... and despite your husband being there when he is allowed, you feel so very alone... and it hurts.

• When you are in the hospital to deliver a baby that you get to take home and love on--- a lactation consultant comes to your room... and despite your best effort to shoo her away, she stays and makes sure you are fully aware of the changes your breast will endure.
• When you are in the hospital to remove the growing baby from your tube because it is going to kill you--- no lactation consultant visits you... probably because the baby was not even 8 weeks gestation.... but two days later I got a painful reminder that I do not have a baby to nurse, when my milk came in.

• When you are in the hospital to deliver a baby---you leave with that baby... you go home and kiss on that baby, and make sure that baby is safe from every bad thing imaginable... you make sure that baby knows it is loved and cherished.
• When you are in the hospital to have a baby removed--- you go home with a pamphlet on 'Miscarriage', which ends up on the floor of your car... because you can't image holding on to anything that isn't your baby... and you pray that your baby, who is dead, somehow just KNOWS it is loved and cherished.

Despite the mood I am currently in, I am coping. I am healing. I have joy in my life. I laugh daily... often. That doesn't mean I am "over it" or "moving on". I don't know what the term is. I just -am-... and I -AM- a Mom... a Mother to many, on Earth and in Heaven. My babies here, need me to be ok... and to laugh and play with them. They know that "Mommy is sad"right now... it is good for them to know that. I am only human... God gave me emotions and it is ok to use them all.

The Story of my 'ectomy

This isn't going to sound very poetic... may not even make much sense... Hospitals give some pretty intense pain killers.

Monday night I woke up with some pretty intense pain on my lower left side... more then just cramping... the pain was something fierce... not normal.

Tuesday Daniel and I went in to my OBGYN office to get the results of the blood test I had done the previous day.

We were praying my HCG level went down. The reason for the blood test, even though I my Doctor said we had miscarried, was to make sure the HCG levels were going down... if they were not going down, there was going to be concern of another ectopic pregnancy. (read here for previous ectopic experience)

We were told that my HCG level rose to 825, from 760 before the weekend. In a normal pregnancy, the HCG should have more then doubled over the weekend. So even though the hormone level was rising, the pregnancy was not normal or healthy. I tell the doctor about the pain. He gets concerned.

We wait for over an hour in the room... waiting for my doctor to get a few other opinions on what to do... Not sure if a laparoscopy should happen... or a dose of methotrexate (which is what we did for the previous ectopic). I was thinking that maybe we would do the methotrexate... maybe... if we were to do anything at all.

We start with another ultrasound... where nothing was found... again. I don't know why, but I just had this hope when we were walking to the ultrasound room. I imagined the ultrasound tech saying "and there is your baby right there" and Doctor Perry saying "a miracle".

We leave with admitting orders to the hospital. D&C at 8pm... laparoscopy with possible laparectomy after that.

I didn't really have time to process. I had to get home and get the kids packed... get myself packed and showered. I had to run to the grocery store and get Ana formula... my mind was total chaos.

We get to the hospital and even though I had admitting orders... I had NO BED... they tried to put me in the pediatric department. At first I thought "ok, no biggy"... but when I got there, my heart felt so heavy. Why would they give a women going though a pregnancy loss, a room surrounded by children and babies? Terribly cruel.

Daniel got them to give me a different room... that I shared with another women... who had an obsession with sucking on KFC chicken bones. It was disgusting.... anyways...

My Mommy comes up to wait with us while we are in the room before surgery. The waiting seems to take a lifetime.

I get an IV, some compression stockings to prevent a DVT, a hair net... some bright orange socks with rubber on the bottom... I felt like a Transformer or something.

Finally I give hugs and kisses and go into surgery. Only a few seconds seem to pass and then I am awake in a different room. For some reason I am screaming and crying... then I realize I am in horrendous pain... this is the worst pain I have ever been in... I start to vomit... I hear some guy talking to me. Trying to tell me something... it is important, but I can't hear him. I pray "Dear Jesus make it stop"... a nurse comes over and shoots some magic drugs in my IV. Almost instantly reality comes back. The crazy leaves... the pain subsides.

The guy starts talking again. "Sarah, your surgery went well. Your left tube was removed because the baby had punctured it. The baby seemed to be 6-8 weeks old. I am so sorry".

Numb... I start asking for Daniel... they keep telling me I have to wait.

Finally I get rolled back to my room, and I FINALLY get to be with Daniel. He only has time to tell me what the doctor told him. I share with him how much pain I am in. Then he has to leave because it is past visiting hours.

I felt so alone. I am so tired but I can't sleep. I tried to process the information I was given." The baby was with me all this time. They took it tonight. They took my tube tonight. I have one tube left. My baby was with me all this time. I have only one tube now. My baby was with me but is now gone. One tube." My thoughts are interrupted by the room-mate flipping the TV channels.

I try to sleep. but the room-mate is loud and obnoxious. I give up on sleep once the sun starts to come up... I watch some Downton Abbey on my Kindle... I surprise myself at how un-emotional I am. I attribute it to the pain killers. Everything is just so numb. When they wear off the pain is un-bearable... but I find myself sad... able to sort out these emotions.

I was discharged around noon. Daniel took me home... he hadn't slept all night either. We share a few moments. We cried and just were silent together for a long time. We are tired on so many levels.

This was a long and dull blog... its the pain killers.

We could really use prayer... and encouraging words... positive thoughts.

A Baby... Our Baby... Lost and Loved

Read here for earlier this weeks blog

My heart is so torn... I feel hollow and defeated. I still do not understand pregnancy loss... what is the point? I trust God has a purpose... a plan... all things to work together for the greatest good. It still hurts... my heart and soul hurt.

The thought that hurts the worst is that this baby was gone before I knew about it. I hate that I didn't get to love it when it was alive... "It"... seems so wrong to call a baby "it". A baby so wanted...

We never gave names to our other children who had passed. I gave charge to the Angels in naming our children... saying "give them beautiful Hebrew names, surprise me when I meet them."

This baby... I have a need to name... this baby we want to know is very much loved... cherished... and missed.

This baby we named Kellen Lee Whipple. An Irish name meaning 'powerful'... this baby, so small, was with us --then left us without us noticing... but was so powerful in our lives!

My Dearest Kellen,

You were a surprise to us Love. A welcomed miracle into our lives! I pray you know how much your Daddy and I do love you! We cherish your memory and our hearts are forever yours.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

I really am not comfortable talking about Kellen or the loss in general. Just a heads up for future conversations.

Limbo

Reader warning... the following may be more information than you would like to know about me.

Sitting in my OBGYN office yesterday... waiting for my doctor to come back in and tell me the results of a pregnancy test. I already "knew" the answer. I was smug. I had just weaned Ana 3 weeks ago. I got my first cycle four days after weaning. It was heavy... with clots ranging from pea size to kiwi size. That was the reason for my visit to my doctor. To stop the bleeding.

My doctor wanted to do a D&C, just to rid me of all the build up. I talked him into the progesterone pills... take for 21 days, come back in once a new cycle starts. He agreed as long as I take a pregnancy test.

So I wait for the results... laughing at the impossiblity of being pregnant. We have never had a pregnancy without several rounds of Clomid... and I JUST weaned Ana.

Doctor Perry walks in; "Well Sarah, your pregnancy test was positive. I am not sure what is going on. You are possibly miscarrying".

I sat there... thinking of Sarah in the Bible... I laughed at God. How foolish to think I could put God in a box... my God, who has countless times proved miracles do happen... to me...

I cried... not with joy, but with fear. We desperately want a baby... of course! We would love to love many more children. But--- do we get to love this baby? Or is this baby already gone?

That hit me hard... did this baby leave without being loved and cherished?

We leave the office with instructions to come back in the morning for a blood test, then back on Thursday for a follow up.

I am numb.

We get home and I tear off all of my clothes... they feel so weird on my body. I am hysterical.

I go in the bathroom and do my own pregnancy test. Thinking I just could not be pregnant... not wanting to think we are going through yet another pregnancy loss.

I dip the test in, and instantly got two pink lines. I lost all composure... reality was far from my grasp.

What happened in the two hours from the test, to when I woke up in bed... I don't know. Daniel was holding me close. My Mom had picked Eli up... Ana was napping. I felt sick... confused.... scared.

We laid there for a long time... talking and crying. The not knowing was really eating at me. Daniel talked me into going to the ER.

The triage nurse seemed annoyed. Asking me routine questions. I am sure they get countless scared pregnant women in every week. I told her I have two children. She says so this is your 3rd pregnancy. I say this is my 8th pregnancy. Her tone changed.

Nurse: Gravida?

Me: 8

Nurse: Para?

Me: 2... abortus 5, 4 miscarriage, one ectopic.

I felt relieved. She spoke to me in real terms... she didn't sugar coat anything. She didn't beat around the bush. For the 5 hours we were there, she would pop in and tell us what was going on. What doctor or specialist had my file.

At the end of the night we had learned that my HCG is about 730ish. The ultrasounds showed nothing except a large amount of blood loss coming from my cervix. They can not rule out miscarriage. They can not rule out ectopic even though nothing was found in my tubes or ovaries. They can not rule out a stable pregnancy.

We leave with instructions to follow up with my doctor on Thursday.

In limbo... once again...

A Pink Christmas

Before Motherhood I had day dreamed about what it would be like to share Christmas with my children. Curious if it would be the same feeling I had when I was a child... curious if that wonder and excitement would return.

Then I had Elijah... and Christmas was a new sort of exciting. Taking part in traditions Daniel and I grew up with... and sharing with each other in this new tradition of having a family.

Being a parent during Christmas is... magical!

There is nothing you love more in the world than you children... and to see them so enchanted... it is a whole new kind of fun!

Then I had Anamarie... and the Christmas season is once again approaching. My Mother and I went to JC Penny's and picked out Ana's Christmas dress... talking about matching red shoes and a big red hair bow. Finding matching Christmas pajamas for both Eli and Ana. Then walking the toy isles... thinking about buying my baby girl dolls and Barbies... but realizing she is not even six months old.

Then, while in Walgreens, getting the weeks coupon deals... I picked up some wrapping paper. I found some cute snowman paper for all of Eli's gifts... then I picked up some pink snowflake paper for Ana. I looked at the pink wrapping paper... holding it for a long moment... I cried.

I have a daughter. A daughter to buy fluffy dresses for. A daughter that needs matching shoes and bows... ... and pink wrapping paper to keep secret the dollies and Barbies Santa is going to bring her.

Last year at this time I held my growing belly... putting every ounce of faith into God... hearing Him tell me that everything is GOOD... and now... I am buying pink wrapping paper.

"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5

A Shower of Love

The shower was a garden theme with lots of purple and greens. Ashley made some fantastic food and there was a never ending supply of sweets, candy and cupcakes. I have been sitting at the computer for about an hour, thinking of how to express how I feel now compared to how I felt last year at this time (when we were announcing our last pregnancy and the a few days later mourning our loss). I don't know if I am just so exhausted I can't think straight, or in my heart I feel God knows how thankful I am and I just need to leave it at that.
I just feel so incredibly blessed today. God has put some amazing women in my life... in Anamaries life! To know that so many people care for her already makes my heart happy! She is a very lucky girl!Amy (Clarkson) Charles came all the way from Fresno to celebrate with us! Love this woman! Love that she is still in my life. Love that every person that came to celebrate with me has been in my life for many years! I know that not everyone could be there today and I want them all to know how thankful I am for them. Daniel's family all lives out of town and I know they would have loved to come. I know that my baby girl has some strong, confident, intelligent and beautiful women to look up to and I am thankful you are in our life!

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another" John 1:16

Another Pregnancy Loss Confession

I have learned this last weekend that attending a baby shower, post pregnancy loss, doesn’t have to hurt.

One might think that just because my last pregnancy loss was almost a year ago now… and I am currently seven months pregnant, that it seems like I am beating a dead horse… Why do I keep returning to this?

Fact- It doesn’t always hurt, but the memories of that pain are still so fresh. It has been years sense our first pregnancy loss and I remember the pain so vividly--- it makes my soul ache.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel during the baby shower. I didn’t know if I was going to feel jealous, hurt, scared… annoyed…. The night before the shower I was having massive anxiety. Feeling nauseous and sick… crying uncontrollably. I felt selfish! The circumstances regarding the baby and mother did make me feel jealous. I kept thinking “Why should this teenager get to have a beautiful baby when there are so many married adult women left without a baby in their arms?” … Evil thoughts… Then I remembered- “Jesus was born to a teenage –unwed mother.” God gave Mary, who was a young teenager… His son!

The circumstances regarding how each child comes to be… no matter what kind of parent or life a child is born to/into, the child is still a blessing. God has plans for each baby that are amazing! I am excited to see how God uses this small person!

The shower was held at a Church, and the Pastors wife gave a small devotional after the games. The focus of the devotional was Hannah from the Bible. Hannah was a woman of God who struggled with infertility. Odd devotional for a baby shower given to a teen mom.

I am well familiar with the story of Hannah… as well as Elizabeth, Rachel, Sarah and the other Barren Biblical women. What struck me most about this devotional were the verses

12 As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
15 "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." (1 Samuel 1:10-16)

My favorite part "I have been praying here out my great anguish and grief"... I LOVE LOVE LOVE how she went to God with her sorrow. "Great anguish and grief". This woman, who lived thousands of years ago knew the same pain I do. Just another reason why I believe without a shadow of a doubt that the Bible is the word of God. No way those words were made up by a man.

Hannah’s honesty with her feelings led to a connection with her Priest. Who, in turn led Samuel (Hannah’s son) to be the great man of God he was.

Validating a woman’s grief during infertility and/or after miscarriage won’t take away her pain, but it will make her feel less crazy and far more understood. Through connection comes awareness. Through awareness comes a stronger voice. Through a stronger voice come the masses saying: Infertility is far more common that people think. Fact is, 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Miscarriage is a very real loss and needs to be treated as such. This is a person who didn’t even get a chance to dream… breath… live. Women who have experienced infertility at any time in our life or have miscarried need your help, support, understanding and validation of our pain.

A huge blessing with living in the era of the World Wide Web--- Infertility and miscarriage websites! Without such, I would feel very alone. I have met beautiful souls via the Web. Both Daniel and I have connected to other parents who have been were we are at. Sanity comes with connection. I have learned that it is perfectly acceptable to cry, kick and scream. That crying out my soul does make me feel better. I have learned that sometimes God does not answer our prayers with what what we want, but he DOES give us our hearts desire… we just sometimes don’t quiet understand what our hearts desires are or in getting our hearts desire we are to learn patience.

Connecting to these women has made me more aware of my own health conditions. It has brought me to learn ways to keep myself healthy and even about new treatments for my conditions. Belonging to a group of people who experience the same emotions, pills, treatments, desires, daily struggles, selfishness and doctor visits as you do leads to a closeness that is rather odd because you never really meet these people. But having that anonymity online makes you feel safe. Like you can spill your guts… reveal embarrassing details about your life without the consequences of feeling horrible. This anonymity brings a new honesty to yourself… and what is more surprising is that you learn that even your darkest thoughts are shared. There is a darkness that comes with infertility and miscarriage. Belonging to a group of women who struggle with these feelings keeps you from giving in to this darkness. You realize that these women were placed online by God… to learn from each other and support each other.

The down-side to belonging to an online support system is online stalking or harassment. Yes, even in a group of grieving women you will find people who take it upon themselves to bring you even more down. Also, every online site has trolls. People who will try to provoke you… or post false medical information. Just be smart about whom you respond to and the things you say. Also, every online site has spammers. Don't click on any link that looks "fishy", if someone post anything about making thousands of dollars by doing nothing, don't click... remember, if it sounds too good to be true... it is just that... not true! Something else to consider is that ANYONE can read your conversations. Even people who are in your everyday life… The thing is, because they have never encountered the thoughts, feelings and struggles you have, they might feel like the rest of your family/friends need to be aware of the things you say. It isn’t any different than someone recording you in an AA meeting and playing it for your family/friends to see. If this does happen, realize that sometimes the drama isn’t worth it continuing with online support. They might try to put a wedge between you and your family. The few people I have mentioned above are selfish and the only thing you can do is pray for them... even the spammers. It is sad that there are people out there like that. They are immature and need to grow up… or maybe they are lonely and need attention... I image the trolls are the most lonely. I think we need a "National befriend a troll day". Being online would be a better experience for everyone if there was just one less lonely troll in the world.

Just be cautious about who you connect with… but connect with someone. The road of infertility can be very long and exhausting in every way possible. Life after miscarriage can bring years of new struggles. The emotions that come after your baby goes to heaven make you feel crazy… there is no other way to put it. I still feel very jealous of pregnant friends. It is a demon I am aware of and fight daily… and it has been years. Every person has their own darkness to defeat. I trust God to help me make right choices and to heal my heart… having the support of women who know exactly how I feel makes me feel less crazy. I encourage anyone who is dealing with infertility or life post pregnancy loss to find an online support system.

Bitter Grace

Tuesday December 1, 2010... today I should have been 9 months pregnant, but my baby got lost on the way and is now in heaven.

Instead, I am 12 weeks pregnant today. God is notorious for turning ashes to beauty, but I can't help feeling depressed. I was suppose to be meeting my baby at the end of December... maybe even before Christmas! With that positive pregnancy test I daydreamed about buying Christmas presents for two children and spending New Years with our new miracle...

Daniel and I are ecstatic to be pregnant again... it is not that we wish to have the previous pregnancy over this pregnancy... in our dream world we wish we could have both! Reality, however, is being thankful for each day as it comes and taking nothing for granted.

Two months have past sense we found out we are pregnant again... and now I am 12 weeks already! I am so joyful... ... ... and

... I think I might punch the next person who lets me know "The scary part is over now"...

Pregnancies that are high risk due to clotting disorders become more "tricky" after 13 weeks. As the placenta takes over there is a higher risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. Clots in the placenta prevent oxygen and nutrients from getting to baby... and then their is a risk for premature labor due to pre-eclampsia... a risk of low weight babies because of the early labor or restricted oxygen during pregnancy... OR... there is the risk of GIANT babies because the anti-coagulant delivered too much oxygen and nutrients through the placenta. Blessed part about that is- More ultrasounds! At 18 weeks I will more than likely need one every other week to make sure baby IS getting enough but not too much nutrients and growing like he/she should.

For now I am focused on being 12 weeks...

At 12 weeks Baby Whipple is about the size of a plumb! About 2 inches long and weighs half an ounce! Baby is learning to open and close a fist... and to curl his/her toes.


We have been talking about the baby to Elijah, who continues to search my belly for him/her. He pokes my belly button and stares intently into it... obviously thinking the baby must be inside it. He is becoming more aware of babies around him and on T.V. I am thinking of getting him a baby doll for Christmas!

I find myself giving into daydreaming about having another baby. I have kept my heart so guarded till this point... not even really wanting to think of names. To which we have pretty much become settled on... but mums the word, for now at least!

Bitter Truth

Pregnancy after loss confession.

Even though I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby I find myself incredibly jealous of some women's other pregnancies. It could be a complete stranger or a friend... and it isn't with every one I hear about... The adult I am knows that the pregnancy is right and deserved and logical; the child in me still feels jealous. I am not sure if it stems from the multiple pregnancy losses, fighting so hard to keep this current pregnancy healthy or from trying to get pregnant for so long.

I just have a hard time being happy for someone when we are fighting body mind and soul for our own. It is selfish I know... and even with such selfish thinking I naturally feel wrong and evil.

Too many dang pregnancy hormones

Daniel and I have become much for aware of our own emotions with this last pregnancy loss. We have turned not only to each other but to God... accepting support from family and friends but really having a guarded heart. Things we do, say and ways we react from now on are in correlation with our past experiences. With so much hurt you either become jaded or grow from it. It is a learning experience, God will continue to teach us from our losses until the day we meet him.

There is so much pain that comes with pregnancy loss and the last thing a couple needs is negativity and unsolicited advice. A quick Google search can lead someone looking to support a loved one during a pregnancy loss to websites hosting lovely, caring and supportive ways to help. A normal person understands that if you have never experienced a pregnancy loss you can not possibly relate. Daniel and I experienced not one, but several bullies during our last pregnancy loss... even from someone that has been such a support my whole life. Something I have learned to be common among the pregnancy loss community. I learned much about family bullying by serial bullies from this website. I was shocked and appauled by how many women get horrible, selfish and negative comments after the hell of pregnancy loss.

No Angel mommy wants to hear "you will only have one baby so don't bother trying again". "I can relate... "for any "reason" unless your baby died you can't possible relate. "the baby must have been sick". "you are better off, you can't support another one right now." "At least you have one already". We had received many more... but these can't even compare to the horror some women received that I have spoken to.

The fact is... I can't forgive my body for killing my babies. A shocking evil truth. I blame and hate myself...

Most women of pregnancy loss feel the same... so how can someone who has not experienced it relate to me? I look in the mirror and see a a dark hole... a villain that has stolen my baby.

The counter-side to the darkness is knowing that God will take this feeling away from me... I just need to let him. He has brought us through this dark valley so that we can experience the brilliant Grace He has laid ahead for us. We are still learning... we are humble enough to understand that we don't have the answers but we trust that God does.

The gift of morning sickness

Pregnancy after loss is such a blessing. Living God's promise for Daniel and I is something that just can't be put into words...

Our Glory baby.


However, having faith in a full term pregnancy is something I am struggling with. I feel I have been robbed from pregnancy bliss. Most pregnant women day dream about names and a baby nursery. I live between bathroom breaks... and find myself crying praises while peeing "Thank you Jesus... no blood!"

Even though I am only 8 weeks pregnant, I bought myself some maternity pants. I don't need them yet, but wearing them makes this pregnancy more of a reality for me... and they are the cutest pair of jeans I have ever owned and sooooo comfortable! I am weird... I know.

Being 8 weeks pregnant, my baby is about the size of a kidney bean... or a raspberry! Funny fact- baby has a fully formed nose and elbows at this point.

Nausea has been such a blessing during the last week. My OB is feeling extra confidant in this pregnancy and doesn't want to see me for a few weeks... which makes me nervous. So, I am extremely grateful for nausea and food aversions... that means things are working like they should and this baby is growing!

An angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby's birth, then quietly closed it whispering, ’Too beautiful for earth.’

Dear God,


Today I really miss my babies. Please give them extra kisses for me.


-Sarah

Antiphospho.....what?!

I am not alone? Really??? There are more people out there with this issue?
In high school I really didn't think that 10 years later a stupid acne medication would leave me with life long heart ache.

Thank you, makers of Minocycline... not only did you ruin my High School experience, but you have caused the miscarriage of several of my babies.

Let me explain. One, very small and overlooked side effect of Minocycline is a "Lupus like reaction"... or "drug induced Lupus".

Pretty much everyone knows that Lupus is an autoimmune disease where the body's immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. This results in symptoms such as inflammation, swelling, and damage to joints, skin, kidneys, blood, the heart, and lungs… ok, so they might not know all that… but they do know it is no fun.

Drug induced lupus is most known for joint pain and fatigue.

I started taking Minocycline when I was 15 or 16… I can’t remember for sure. Shortly after I felt like an 80 year old women.
In high school I got lunch and various school essential items thrown at my head in the hallways because I was the "slow girl"... I couldn't walk without wanting to vomit from the pain. I should have invested in a Rascal scooter. I couldn't sit on the toilet to pee without tears flooding my eyes because my knee joints hurt so bad. I couldn't take notes in class because my fingers couldn't hold a pen... to be honest, much of this experience must be blocked... I can't remember... and if you ask anyone, I have an impeccable memory.
Countless blood test, pain management, but mostly God Himself healed my body from that pain of a “Lupus like reaction to the drug Minocycline”... it's not Lupus... but it is. I still don't understand and who would have thought that a pill for vanity sakes could cause so much grief.

Fast forward to 2007... several pregnancy losses... I was living in Arizona. My OB ran countless tests and decided he wanted to put me on birth control "you must loose weight if you want to sustain a viable pregnancy."

No gracies Senior OB... Fat girls get pregnant, have a boring uneventful pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby every day... I will forgo the birth control and loose weight the normal way. The OB didn’t address my PCOS or Hypothyroidism… but this blog is not about either of those… so I will leave them out.

We ended up moving back to Redding. Fast forward... January 21, 2008... 5am... Happy Anniversary Daniel... double pink lines!

Hola Dr. Perry "I think I might be pregnant"... He ran the.same.exact.tests. as the Arizona OB. "Sarah, you need to be put on blood thinners. You have Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. Here... I made you a copy from my medical dictionary book telling you what it is". (I should call that Arizona OB and thank him for trying to murder me... birth control is very widely known for creating blood clots... something I only NOW know APS does in excess in my body). I have to say that Dr. Perry DID address my other health issues, but they are very mild and under management so are a non-issue.

There are two main classifications of the antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. If the patient has an underlying autoimmune disorder, such as systemic lupus erythematosus, the patient is said to have secondary antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. If the patient has no known underlying autoimmune disorder, it is termed primary antiphospholipid antibody syndrome…. AHHHH LUPUS!!! Which brings me back to high school and that stupid vanity pill…

81mg a day of low dose aspirin gave me the opportunity to carry a pregnancy to term...Resulting in my healthy baby boy. I am very lucky that I did not need a more extensive anticoagulant therapy. I have read about women who have to give themselves daily blood thinner injections.

For years now I have googled the shiz-nit out of Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome... every time I Google it I find and learn so much more. It started out with one or two medical journals with information I didn't understand... I posted my experience in yahoo answers, hoping to find someone with similar experiences. A year or so later I got an IM from a mom in Nevada telling me about her “Lupus like reaction… and need of blood thinners”… today I found a whole website WITH A YOU TUBE CHANNEL!

You all must think I am so lame... but thinking you are one of two medical journal entries leaves you feeling very much a freak... 1 in 3,348,627,020! But today I found a You Tube channel... I have to tell you... I cried... like a nerd! A You Tube channel people… I can’t say it enough times!

Today

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

3 The LORD has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,

like streams in the Negev.

5 Those who sow in tears

will reap with songs of joy.

6 He who goes out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

-Psalm 126, New International Version

Yesterday brought some peace to my heart... Today this peace has continued. Thank you God for bringing peace. I know it is a long journey, but I am thankful for the comfort right now.

Elijah is playing with his friends at my Mom's daycare today. Even though I enjoy the quiet I miss his crazy little bum! I think I am going to go pick him up early...

Lets pour some salt in that wound

The past two months have brought into my life more trials and tribulations than most people face in a life-time. Daniel and I have waited on God... body, mind and soul for healing and comfort. Praise God for physical healing, just this last week I got a positive ending to the madness.

I am thankful to friends and my awesome family who have prayed and cried with us these last few months. Thank you for helping us with this emotional burden. God has blessed us with you!

During this healing process Daniel and I have been called "selfish"... I don't think some people realizes the severity of events that took place. This isn't to "brag" about how awful things have been. I am going to write in plain and simple terms and by no means do I want to gloat about the following. This is painful, but if I don't share, how can I expect people to understand?

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Daniel and I had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months. I had to take piles of hormones that cost a pretty penny in order to get that positive pregnancy test in May. Shortly after the positive pregnancy test I had to take chemotherapy injections, twice, to kill the baby we tried so hard to create. It took 8 weeks to finally not be pregnant anymore. Now I don't even know when I will be emotionally ready to even think about getting pregnant again. I am terrified!!! I found out last week after a trip to the ER, that our insurance in canceled. We won't be able to afford anymore Dr. trips, so I am thankful that the chemo is over!

During our first family vacation (after being married almost 5 years) in June, Daniel was involved in a car accident. Del, Daniels dad, was driving. The car drove off the road, rolled a bunch of times and flipped head of tail several times. The cars roof was smashed to the floor board. There is no way they should have survived. Not knowing if my husband was alive was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Even now, thinking about that phone call makes my heart ache.

We were renting a house from a family friend. The first of June we got a notice saying the house was being auctioned at the end of the month. I ask our landlord... who is a life long family friend. She tells us that she had taken care of it and the house wasn't being auctioned. We spent the 4th of July weekend packing, trying to find a place to live and moving. Turns out friends lie. Daniel, Elijah and I are sharing a room in my Aunts house... Even though the room is a converted garage with no air conditioning, I am thankful to not be homeless.

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I was watching that new movie "Remember Me"... all my friends told me how good of a movie it was. They told me how they just cried and cried at the ending. When I got done watching it I didn't cry... but then not crying made me cry. I felt robed of emotions. Like I am numb to empathy. That is not like me... I always felt like God gifted me with empathy towards others, even stupid sappy movies and Hallmark commercials... but now I feel like I have none.

Many of my friends have become pregnant and some even had their babies during this healing process. I am very embarrassed to admit this, but... my happiness level for each friend is based on a jealousy rating... How long they were trying to get pregnant, how many kids they already have... I feel secure in the fact that I know I am not alone in this evil jealousy rut. I hate this jealous feeling... I pray and ask God to take it away... I don't know how to just not be jealous. Someone please tell me!!! I crazy with this emotion! Like I need to go to some Jealousy Addiction Anonymous or something... Hi, my name is Sarah. I am a christian with a relationship with Christ. I am here because I am addicted to jealousy.

I can I not be jealous though... I feel like Daniel and I have to fight for every good thing in our lives. I feel like we can't enjoy anything... I feel like I have to fight for sanity every single morning. To make a effort to be thankful... If I don't praise God for the little things like a/c in the car or a ice cold Dr. Pepper or Elijah's addiction to Toy Story (without it I would not have a moment to myself)... my day would get very sad.


I feel like this blog is tacky... Like I am being gaudy and trashy or something. I am not the kind of person that likes to draw attention. I used to be... now I kinda just like to blend.... I would rather be ignored ya know... but when people I love tell me I am selfish after being in so much pain... it just hurts... and then it makes you think about all the bad things going on... and then those things hurts again. It is 3:30 in the morning, just in case you were wondering why this is sounding like a bunch of pity party ramblings.

What an odd God

Today I logged into facebook, only to be meet with new information two additional friends who are now expecting... Sure I am happy for them... At least I think I am... hmph... My heart is bitter and my attitude is no better. I spent over an hour waiting in the waiting room at my OB seeing other giant belly's walk in and out of the door.

I can't help but cry. I feel like I can't be honestly happy. Like I will forever feel anger an bitterness while others are happy for their new baby. I want these ugly emotions to disappear... I keep thinking "Just do it... just smile and then you will feel better and be happy"... So I try... but doesn't work that way. Tell me someone... how can I change the attitude of my heart?

My HCG levels are at a 94 as of last Wednesday... good news! Pain is still constant... but a inner ultrasound showed there is nothing there, more good news!

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Took a bathroom break and had a good cry... came back, checked my email before finishing blogging, well actually I was just going to delete it... it was too sad and mopey... on my home page was a random horoscope. I don't follow my horoscope at all. I don't believe in it... I NEVER read it... however, I felt drawn to it... so I read it

"You need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. It's way too easy to get caught up in a never-ending cycle of worrying about what could have been, so make sure that you don't start that kind of thinking in the first place. Faith in yourself is the critical element to making sure that this situation comes out just right, so keep your spirits up!"

Geez God! You are so tricky... God speaking to me online in my horoscope... funny! It is all very honest... and true to how I feel... I feel like I am in a spiral of negativity. I feel like I can't control my emotions... God has faith in me... why don't I?

I still want to delete this... but I feel I should leave it. A testimony to God and his humor, trickiness, love, and devotion to us even in our ugliest state of heart.

Many thoughts

Last night I was driving home with Elijah in the back seat. It was a real quiet night, he had fallen asleep so when I got home I just sat in the car and watched him sleep for awhile. Eli is a very active child, so rarely do I just get to look at him. He was just so beautiful there sleeping. It made me think about what my other babies would have looked like. Which made me think about how old they would be. Who would be almost out of a car seat and needing a booster seat. Who would have Daniels curly hair. I sat there for a few minutes and imagined them in the car with me. Spilling juice and making crumbs in the backseat... yelling "mom lets get out of the car we are home."

Then I thought about how I wouldn't have Elijah if I had my other babies too. This thought does comfort me... it doesn't make me love or miss them any less though. It does make me feel very grateful that I do have Eli. He is our miracle. This process has made me so much more appreciative of Gods grace, love, patience... and more appreciative of my Eli.

I do think that this process of grieving has been more emotional than normal for me because my body is still pregnant. I still have lots of pregnancy hormone going on in there. I cry about everything, I want to barf when I see someone eating chicken, I am tired, I have to pee every half hour... I feel like I am part of a sick joke... "your pregnant, but there is no baby"...

Grieving is normal though. I got many emails in addition to the comments posted on my last blog. People who don't grieve... people who don't take the time to cry... people who focus on others instead of themselves, are missing out on what God is doing in them. God created emotions. He celebrates when we call out to Him in sorrow because we are calling on Him. God doesn't love that we are sad... His heart breaks when we cry, but He loves when we bring the pain to Him... and how can we bring the pain to Him if we are always focusing on celebrating others?

I understand there is a time for everything... If you are constantly sad and feeling the need to grieve, then perhaps it would be best to seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with that. Christians are allowed to be depressed. Christians do have emotions, Christians get sad, Christians get mad... you Christian are normal for feeling! These are emotions God created.

I trust that God will heal my heart. I trust that God has more miracles in store for our life. I understand that there is more going on in life than me, and my broken heart. I see Gods grace, love, and mercy in my loss. I see God working miracles in the people around me... If I put on a happy face for others because it is the right thing to do, I would have missed out on the opportunity to get closer to God. My heart still hurts... I am still sad... I am still a little angry. That is the condition of my heart at the moment. I do know that God will heal me completely.

Update- second round of Chemo last Wednesday. HCG numbers are still rising. I see my OB this next Wednesday... pray that the HCG levels WILL DROP!

In the end... good news!

Boy it sure is hard to have a spirit of praise when life just stinks.

These last few weeks have left Daniel and I numb… and feeling alone despite our fantastic family. There is a sense of abandonment in pregnancy loss. When your doctor has no clue what is going on, then you kind of feel neglected. Like for some reason God forgot about you. The stages of grief and mourning randomly leave you paralyzed at the most incontinent times. Friends kind of become MIA. Online communities of other sad Mommies become your favorite websites.

Wallowing in the hardship is dangerous. I have to make a conscious effort every morning to get out of bed, to remember to smile, to remember that 99.9% of people have no idea the condition of my heart. And a few people (soul suckers) who do know, don’t care… I have to make a conscious effort NOT to punch other pregnant women in the face. To smile when they share their joys and blah blah blah. I have to make a conscious effort to smile and be excited when everyone talks about my niece who is almost here. I am hoping it gets easier and doesn’t take so much effort to be honestly happy. My mom says that this will all just be a sad memory. I am mad that I just can’t be happy. Why shouldn’t these other pregnant moms be happy and share their joy? Why do I have to be the soul sucker from the group?

Good news. HCG levels have dropped 7% and are now 3400ish. They need to go down an additional 8% by tomorrow late afternoon or I have to get another Chemo injection. I am happy, but fearful. "What if’s "are plaguing my thoughts…

What is the point?

Five hours in the ER last night left me with only more questions.

What is this increasing pain. Why are my HCG levels STILL rising? Why won't God take this away from me. I want closure. I want to move on. I want my body to be able to heal so I can think about being pregnant again someday.

I have beg, pleaded, screamed and wept for God to let my body heal. I feel like I am fighting a hurricane. My body is still pregnant... even though there is absolutely no baby inside... anywhere.

WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! What is the point here God? What lesson to be learned? Do I really need to be this strong? What good can come from this? I am lost! So confused! I am terrified...

Update on Taboo

I don't think I can take much more

I thought my latest miscarriage experience was near an end, physically that is. Of course I will forever be emotionally haunted. Forever missing my babies. Today I went in for a post D&C check up. Hoping to get an "all clear"... really thinking things were going to get better. I felt fine, I felt awesome... I felt my heart healing.

My HCG count jumped to 2400 last night... it was only 900 the day of my D&C(over a week ago). They did an ultrasound and found nothing... nothing at all... nothing ANYWHERE... what the heck!
My OB sent me to Mercy to get the Chemo Methotrexate injection. They took more blood and had a rush done on the HCG count. It went up to 2860, just in 13 hours. I am so confused. The OB is certain it is an Ectopic, even though he can't see anything in the tubes, or anywhere else. The injection is making me so tired. My head hurts... it feels like it will explode.

If the HCG levels do not go down in a week I will have one more injection. If they are still not going down in 2 weeks then I will have to have the surgery. I am terrified! What if that is it for us. What if we can't get pregnant again!?

I feel like a failure. I can't even grow a baby. Something so natural, something so evolutionary. I have to endure pills, hormones, waiting, more pills, charting, truck loads of emotions that come out of the blue... This should be a happy experience. Why do I have to be terrified when those two pink lines appear. It is like my heart and mind are just use to the worst scenario. It took so long for good news, and now we are crushed.

I just want this to be over with. I am a mess... My heart hurts so bad. I understand this is just a short time in my life... a low valley for Daniel and I... but I can't see past the hurt.