pregnant mind

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life when you start heading towards rock bottom.

It seems like Daniel and I have been challenged so much in our life together. I thought it couldn't get any worse after going through a few lost pregnancies then a bankruptcy.

Those were very dark times.

I know, for a fact, that we could not have made it without the support of our families and a few great friends. Daniels family opened their door for us when we moved there. His sister gave me a spectacular job. Corbin gave us a fun adventure in his house when we wanted a bit more privacy. Then my parents literally came and picked us up and brought us back to Redding.

Daniel and I were hit with a ton of bricks today. We thought things were going pretty good, but it looks like our life in our little house is going to be short lived. On top of that, we are going to loose our vehicle (and my computer has a STD and is down for the count). I will admit I am beyond stressed out. There is nothing like being 7 months pregnant, on restricted activities, but have to pack up a house (I just unpacked) and find some other place to live. I would love nothing more to just settle in a nice place and live a life. We simply can not afford the accommodations we have now.

We sat across from each other at dinner tonight and just stared at one another. Trying to think of things to be thankful for. I must admit it was hard. Then I realized that just having Daniel in my life is a great blessing. I am extremely thankful for him. Which made me think of my little baby boy, who is healthy and kicking harder and harder ever day. I am very thankful for my son and the fact that God has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy.

Then my perspective changed. I looked down at my dinner and realized, we are not starving. We just had a filling dinner. We are not naked, we are wearing nice clothes. Daniel has a great job. We have medical insurance now... AND cheese, milk, peanut butter, juice, eggs and cereal thanks to WIC...

I then looked out the window and saw a man with no teeth. Then realized we are not completely unfortunate looking. This made me laugh inside... I am so shallow...

Its because I wear clean undies

So… Friday I left work early to head on up to Mercy… no it was nothing horribly serious. My back was killing me so early that day I called my doc. But he wasn't in the office so the nurse told me just to go to the hospital. I really didn't want to… it was just a back-ach… I was off work for two weeks because of my Sciatica nerve or what not… and so last week I went back to work and it just about killed me…

So… I was a loser and went to the hospital and got admitted so that my doctor would have to come see me… and he did… then he sent this ultra creepy bone guy to move my bones… and move the baby… and put my leg ball thing back in place (I didn't know it was not where it was suppose to be) … and he pulled my leg, which made me want to kick him … but then I felt super!

So now I am on maternity leave… and have… oh… just 100 days left… only 3 months… 3 months of insanity…

The best thing about maternity leave is the disability check you get every week… a whole $40... It is just super…

Who can survive off $40 a week??? Honestly???

So I went down to social services to see if we can get some sort of assistance… I figured we could get a little somethin somethin… We can't just live off one income, it just doesn't work out that way…

But apparently because we don't meet some sort of guideline (I was thinking that not enough money to pay all the bills would be enough) or because we have all of our teeth and a shoe on each foot, we can't even get a smile out of them.

I wasn't looking to be total white trash. I just wanted food in my fridge…

This is why people revert to criminal activities.

I know that God will provide all we need. I need to trust Him… but… I am just so frustrated. I could go back to work I suppose… but there is nothing worse that being in so much pain and having to smile and care for 15 toddlers. It gets to the point where you just want to tell them to go far away… leave me alone… go play…get out of my face…

Sigh… I am not that mean… honestly…

Long Overdue

Sometimes I wish we could still be friends.

You broke my heart but I can't even remember the hurt.

I just think of all the good times and sigh... and good times they were.

I know I was stupid, I had much to learn and I am sure you can say the same.

Things change, people change but pictures and memories stay the same... and I do have many pictures that show girls not being very tame.

I don't know why I threw it all away.

Life was crazy during those autumn days... under pressure, but it was only just a faze.

I say I have forgiven you, but I can't even remember what the forgiveness was for.

You were the more passionate one that gave much thought to things with your heart. I was hasty, irrational and always thought with my head, never my heart.

The built up tension that led us to be strangers was the result of silence. We needed to talk more. We both don't let people in.

Anyways... I still think of you often, more like every day. You were a piece of me that will always stay. The twin pea in my pod. My matching plaid sock.

Baby Journal #2

June 7,2008

Daddy and I are not sure what to name you. We each have a name, but can't seem to agree. I am just worried it won't be perfect for you. Your middle name will be Ray after your great grandpa Ray. Daddies grandpa. I never got to meet him, but I have heard he was a neat man.

Only 16 weeks left... not even 16 weeks!!! I feel a bit overwhelmed. I am stuck on "Things being pefect for you" I freak out when the house isn't clean or when dishes are in the sink. Right now it is the car... it is a mess... It makes me laugh inside a little. As if you were, right now, to walk into the house saying "geez ma this place is a pig pen" Being pregnat makes a person crazy. Alls your daddy can say is... "calm down"... I do feel bad for him.

It is getting harder to fall asleep and stay asleep. You tend to be a wiggle worm at night and you are growing so fast I feel it. And it hurts a great deal. I am pretty sure you are going to be a moose.

Baby Journal

I am keeping a written journal of the on goings on my pregnancy and thought perhaps I should myspace blog them as well... just for you my friends... As I write I am writting to the baby... FYI...

June 5, 2008

Last night I was laying on the couch watching T.V. Your daddy came over and layed his head on my stomach and said "hi Baby"... You kicked so hard I thought you were going to kick through me. You seem to be more active after daddy gets home. As if you are excited to hear his voice... I can image you yelling "Lets play daddy". You also get excited when you hear other children playing... I think your going to be a wild one. Grandma wants to feel you move or kick so she talks to you and pokes at my belly, but you won't move for her.