My baby story

SO...

September 18th I woke up at 4am so excited to see my baby! I layed in bed till 6am then got up and headed up to the hospital.

The epidural was scary and numbed me from the arms down... it was like being on an alien spaceship. Not being able to move and staring up at bright lights. It was scary until they let Daniel in the room.

I couldn't move or see what they were doing so I just stared at Daniel... less than 5 minutes later Daniel stands up and I see his eyes get HUGE... then I hear a little gurgle and a cry. Daniel rushes over to the table next to mine. I can't see what's going on, I just hear this beautiful crying... then Daniel brings me over my baby... Elijah Ray...

He is perfect! I feel so blessed to be given such a gift!

We are blessed

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever"

Psalm 146

I got a call this morning telling us we have been approved for an apartment! It is perfect for our needs right now. Close to Daniels work and my parents. God is truly good!

Start of a crackhead career

So Daniel and I went apartment hunting today

The pickings are slim to none.

The first apartment we looked at was over by Enterprise High... We were excited because it was "move in ready" and we only have 11 days left to find a place. The curb appeal was nothing to gawk over. It didn't look too promising, but wasn't bad either. Upon entering the unit we cringed at the brown carpet that was splattered with pink and green paint. We then noticed the walls which had no paint what-so-ever... just a nice shade of primer. The kitchen was the first "room" we checked out. The linoleum once could have been nice, but it was hard to tell with all the dents, dirt and grime build up in the corners. There was nice counter space and plenty of cupboard room. The oven and the fridge looked farley new on the outside. I almost lost my lunch when I opened the fridge though... blood... everywhere... all over the inside of the fridge. We proceeded down the hall where we saw the remains of a heater unit... I think it exploded. The wall around it was charred brown and black. We then came to a door... err... plywood separator with a door-knob... I pushed open the make-shift door and find more blood all over the "newish" linoleum that had been laved but not cut to fit. Where the baseboard was suppose to meet the floor to the wall was missing and the linoleum was heading up the walls. The tub was fine... it actually looked clean. As well as the sink... We left the bathroom and went across the hall to a bedroom. This room had a make-shift door as well... The room looked fine. A nice window and standard size closet all complemented by nail polish glittering the brown carpet. There were no outlet coverings on the walls or light cover for the bulb sticking out of the ceiling. Down the hall was the "mater bedroom". It also had the charming nail polish carpet, absent light fixtures and door, as well as a community of cob webs in the corner.

We then left this charming duplex.... I should have brought a camera; it would have been more amusing.

Next time... maybe

Why is it so difficult to trust that God has everything under control and that he does honestly want the best for us?

I just spent the last two hours in 'Labor and Delivery' up at Mercy Medical Center. I hadn't felt the baby move sense about 4pm the day before. I tried not to think about it, trying to trust God that everything is just fine, but in the back of my mind I have this constant worry.

My mom was there with me listening to the baby monitor and she was reassuring me that I have every right to worry. That is only human and I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't have these worries. She told me how my dad and her were at a constant worry carrying the twins after her pregnancy loss before.

It is just this nasty nagging emotion that won't disappear. The heartache is so fresh those hours spent in the hospital are so vivid in my memory. As the last two due dates came and past I couldn't help but stop and wonder what kind of baby they would have been. And now this time with this beautiful pregnancy and this wonderfully healthy baby boy I can't help but hold my breath with each twinge and poke… wondering when it will turn south.

It is horrible to think!!! I hate these thoughts… I just wish I had enough courage to say "here God… I trust you… completely…."

When the nurse put the baby monitor on my belly and smiled then said "can you hear it? His heart rate is at 142, it is perfect"… I felt so completely relived and a gush of tears came flooding… and at the same time I felt so foolish… almost ashamed…

I know God is holding my baby boy so carefully and His hand is at work in my pregnancy, but why can't I trust Him?

pregnant mind

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life when you start heading towards rock bottom.

It seems like Daniel and I have been challenged so much in our life together. I thought it couldn't get any worse after going through a few lost pregnancies then a bankruptcy.

Those were very dark times.

I know, for a fact, that we could not have made it without the support of our families and a few great friends. Daniels family opened their door for us when we moved there. His sister gave me a spectacular job. Corbin gave us a fun adventure in his house when we wanted a bit more privacy. Then my parents literally came and picked us up and brought us back to Redding.

Daniel and I were hit with a ton of bricks today. We thought things were going pretty good, but it looks like our life in our little house is going to be short lived. On top of that, we are going to loose our vehicle (and my computer has a STD and is down for the count). I will admit I am beyond stressed out. There is nothing like being 7 months pregnant, on restricted activities, but have to pack up a house (I just unpacked) and find some other place to live. I would love nothing more to just settle in a nice place and live a life. We simply can not afford the accommodations we have now.

We sat across from each other at dinner tonight and just stared at one another. Trying to think of things to be thankful for. I must admit it was hard. Then I realized that just having Daniel in my life is a great blessing. I am extremely thankful for him. Which made me think of my little baby boy, who is healthy and kicking harder and harder ever day. I am very thankful for my son and the fact that God has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy.

Then my perspective changed. I looked down at my dinner and realized, we are not starving. We just had a filling dinner. We are not naked, we are wearing nice clothes. Daniel has a great job. We have medical insurance now... AND cheese, milk, peanut butter, juice, eggs and cereal thanks to WIC...

I then looked out the window and saw a man with no teeth. Then realized we are not completely unfortunate looking. This made me laugh inside... I am so shallow...