Angel Baby

I fully understand that talking about miscarriage is taboo. I know most people don't want to hear about it...however... as a woman that has had several, I wish more people did talk about it. Talking about it helps the healing process. I want to tell everyone about the few short weeks I was pregnant. I want to tell everyone how much we loved that baby. I want to tell everyone the dreams we had as a family. I know other parents of pregnancy loss want to do the same. This is a child that is still loved, very much... even at only a few weeks old. We will love this baby, and think about this baby daily.

Today Daniel and I were told that our baby love has gone to heaven. Kinda don't know what else to say to that fact. It hurts, my heart hurts...

I had to have a D&C early tonight, it was quick and painless. Being in the room that I had first meet my son not even 2 years early was probably the hardest part. Knowing I won't get to hold my baby, see that little lip quiver, nurse my baby, change that little bum... thinking all those things I got to do with Elijah just broke my heart. I honestly didn't think I could do it. I started screaming in the room... I am sure the nurses thought I was crazy.

Mercy really needs to have a place for D&C patients that is NOT the Maternity Ward... not the same exact room where I had my son. The admitting lady, when we first arrived, gloated at the "little lullaby" that plays every time a baby is born. It was playing while she was filling out our insurance forms. Daniel and I just sat there... that hurt.

I feel better now that it is over, no more waiting in limbo... wondering what is going on. Having an answer helps.

I know that without God, I couldn't have done this. Honestly I probably would gone mad or something. I kept thinking about that song "Power of Your Love". It kept playing over and over in my head.

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I'll rise up like an eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
By the Power of Your love

I am not sure what God's purpose is in this heartache... or why he chooses me to endure the test of my strength over and over again. I know He has a plan and I feel blessed to be a part of it.

Waiting on God

I am curious to understand why God is constantly putting me through periods of waiting... I do feel like I am a patient person. I wait on God knowing he will give me my hearts desire.

This last week I spent with my stomach in knots. Is this baby surviving? Thursday morning was spent in the Emergency room, some unexpected (and painless) developments had my entire family on their knees. This moment was why Daniel and I choose to spread the good news so early. We couldn't possibly endure heartache alone. The constant support of our family is the only thing keeping us sane.

The Emergency room doctor gave us a report of gloom and doom after only doing a basic ultrasound... "there is nothing you can do, sometimes these things just happen"... To which I wanted to slap him! Yes, these things happen... maybe once in a woman's life... NOT FOUR TIMES! Don't be such a pompous prick Dr. Curly Fro... geez I hate Mercy Medical Center!

My OB, Dr. Perry, once again went above and beyond in examining every detail then explaining it to me. He then showed me that not all is lost... showed me the positives and remind me that God is in control. I went in today to have more blood work done then tomorrow I go see Perry to discuss it... to find out the outcome... but for today... I wait on God.

I have never been more scared in my life. Never have I been more exhausted. The emotional drain these last few days have left very little left of me to be a mommy. I feel like a Zombie...

Big Fat Positive

Nearly two weeks ago I thought I would pee on a stick... hoping for two little pink lines... My wishes were granted when that second line showed up... though very faint.

I tested the next two days as well getting more double pink lines... I made an appointment with my OB for the very next day.... Tuesday... I had butterflies that whole night!

Tuesdays appointment produced a BIG FAT NEGATIVE... so they took some blood... I was so confused that night. I feel pregnant. I felt pregnant even before I got the two faint lines on all three of the earlier tests. I ran out and got a digital test.







I got a call from my OB the next night saying "yes you are pregnant, however just barely... and your progesterone is dangerously low. I called in a prescription for you... go pick it up asap and start it" My heart sank!

Four days have past... I am in a state of constant worry. Trying to enjoy this... Trying to be happy. I know that fear is not of God. This fear and worry that lays heavy on my heart is from the Devil.

Daniel and I told my family yesterday at our Mothers Day BBQ. Though I am only 6 weeks along, we figured that the support of family would make our hearts not so heavy. I knew that their positive love would lift my spirits... It did!

I just have to keep positive, I believe that moods have an effect on health... soooo I just have to keep taking the meds and keep my spirits high... "Baby love... you have already brought me such joy. We love you. There are so many people out here that want to just love on you. You need to keep growing so you can play with your big brother! He really wants to play Toy Story with you!"

Just keep thinking sticky baby thoughts... oh that sounds odd!

My baby big boy

Two days ago I let my baby go by buying him a big boy bed.

Yesterday we said "bye bye" to all his baba's.

Today he went pee-pee in the toilet like a big boy.

Where has my baby gone?
I am so anxious for Eli to reach the next stag in his development. To celebrate these milestones! At the same time my heart is just a little big sad that he is growing up.

I see the frustration he is going through as he fights for his independence and my heart breaks when he realizes he still is too little for certain things. He wants to grow up too fast... I want to cheer him on, but I want to swaddle him tight and never let him go.Watching my baby big boy grow up is so bitter sweet!

Domesticated?

In the spirit of sharing like stories (like Erin's)... I thought I too shall post my messy kitchen.

I have come to terms that I am no bake sale mom... I hate cleaning, I have no plans on making dinner on a daily basis, we, as a family, hardly spend meal times together anyways. I have ironed twice in my whole life, I always have a wet load of clothes in the washer that smell like mildew. I have a jungle of a lawn in the front of my house and a pile of dirty dishes in my sink.

I am dreading the day my son joins little league and such because I will be the mom that shows up in pj's and brings McDonald's dollar hamburgers for the day I am suppose to bring snack for the whole team. I can picture Eli running down the field in wrinkly shorts and mixed matched socks...

Yesterday I bought a "child leash" for Elijah. I figure I would rather other people comment on how horrible the leash is than comment how horrible a mother I am for loosing my child in a store.

Soooo... Here I am... standing firm in my undomesticated ways...