Limbo

Reader warning... the following may be more information than you would like to know about me.

Sitting in my OBGYN office yesterday... waiting for my doctor to come back in and tell me the results of a pregnancy test. I already "knew" the answer. I was smug. I had just weaned Ana 3 weeks ago. I got my first cycle four days after weaning. It was heavy... with clots ranging from pea size to kiwi size. That was the reason for my visit to my doctor. To stop the bleeding.

My doctor wanted to do a D&C, just to rid me of all the build up. I talked him into the progesterone pills... take for 21 days, come back in once a new cycle starts. He agreed as long as I take a pregnancy test.

So I wait for the results... laughing at the impossiblity of being pregnant. We have never had a pregnancy without several rounds of Clomid... and I JUST weaned Ana.

Doctor Perry walks in; "Well Sarah, your pregnancy test was positive. I am not sure what is going on. You are possibly miscarrying".

I sat there... thinking of Sarah in the Bible... I laughed at God. How foolish to think I could put God in a box... my God, who has countless times proved miracles do happen... to me...

I cried... not with joy, but with fear. We desperately want a baby... of course! We would love to love many more children. But--- do we get to love this baby? Or is this baby already gone?

That hit me hard... did this baby leave without being loved and cherished?

We leave the office with instructions to come back in the morning for a blood test, then back on Thursday for a follow up.

I am numb.

We get home and I tear off all of my clothes... they feel so weird on my body. I am hysterical.

I go in the bathroom and do my own pregnancy test. Thinking I just could not be pregnant... not wanting to think we are going through yet another pregnancy loss.

I dip the test in, and instantly got two pink lines. I lost all composure... reality was far from my grasp.

What happened in the two hours from the test, to when I woke up in bed... I don't know. Daniel was holding me close. My Mom had picked Eli up... Ana was napping. I felt sick... confused.... scared.

We laid there for a long time... talking and crying. The not knowing was really eating at me. Daniel talked me into going to the ER.

The triage nurse seemed annoyed. Asking me routine questions. I am sure they get countless scared pregnant women in every week. I told her I have two children. She says so this is your 3rd pregnancy. I say this is my 8th pregnancy. Her tone changed.

Nurse: Gravida?

Me: 8

Nurse: Para?

Me: 2... abortus 5, 4 miscarriage, one ectopic.

I felt relieved. She spoke to me in real terms... she didn't sugar coat anything. She didn't beat around the bush. For the 5 hours we were there, she would pop in and tell us what was going on. What doctor or specialist had my file.

At the end of the night we had learned that my HCG is about 730ish. The ultrasounds showed nothing except a large amount of blood loss coming from my cervix. They can not rule out miscarriage. They can not rule out ectopic even though nothing was found in my tubes or ovaries. They can not rule out a stable pregnancy.

We leave with instructions to follow up with my doctor on Thursday.

In limbo... once again...