The Story of my 'ectomy

This isn't going to sound very poetic... may not even make much sense... Hospitals give some pretty intense pain killers.

Monday night I woke up with some pretty intense pain on my lower left side... more then just cramping... the pain was something fierce... not normal.

Tuesday Daniel and I went in to my OBGYN office to get the results of the blood test I had done the previous day.

We were praying my HCG level went down. The reason for the blood test, even though I my Doctor said we had miscarried, was to make sure the HCG levels were going down... if they were not going down, there was going to be concern of another ectopic pregnancy. (read here for previous ectopic experience)

We were told that my HCG level rose to 825, from 760 before the weekend. In a normal pregnancy, the HCG should have more then doubled over the weekend. So even though the hormone level was rising, the pregnancy was not normal or healthy. I tell the doctor about the pain. He gets concerned.

We wait for over an hour in the room... waiting for my doctor to get a few other opinions on what to do... Not sure if a laparoscopy should happen... or a dose of methotrexate (which is what we did for the previous ectopic). I was thinking that maybe we would do the methotrexate... maybe... if we were to do anything at all.

We start with another ultrasound... where nothing was found... again. I don't know why, but I just had this hope when we were walking to the ultrasound room. I imagined the ultrasound tech saying "and there is your baby right there" and Doctor Perry saying "a miracle".

We leave with admitting orders to the hospital. D&C at 8pm... laparoscopy with possible laparectomy after that.

I didn't really have time to process. I had to get home and get the kids packed... get myself packed and showered. I had to run to the grocery store and get Ana formula... my mind was total chaos.

We get to the hospital and even though I had admitting orders... I had NO BED... they tried to put me in the pediatric department. At first I thought "ok, no biggy"... but when I got there, my heart felt so heavy. Why would they give a women going though a pregnancy loss, a room surrounded by children and babies? Terribly cruel.

Daniel got them to give me a different room... that I shared with another women... who had an obsession with sucking on KFC chicken bones. It was disgusting.... anyways...

My Mommy comes up to wait with us while we are in the room before surgery. The waiting seems to take a lifetime.

I get an IV, some compression stockings to prevent a DVT, a hair net... some bright orange socks with rubber on the bottom... I felt like a Transformer or something.

Finally I give hugs and kisses and go into surgery. Only a few seconds seem to pass and then I am awake in a different room. For some reason I am screaming and crying... then I realize I am in horrendous pain... this is the worst pain I have ever been in... I start to vomit... I hear some guy talking to me. Trying to tell me something... it is important, but I can't hear him. I pray "Dear Jesus make it stop"... a nurse comes over and shoots some magic drugs in my IV. Almost instantly reality comes back. The crazy leaves... the pain subsides.

The guy starts talking again. "Sarah, your surgery went well. Your left tube was removed because the baby had punctured it. The baby seemed to be 6-8 weeks old. I am so sorry".

Numb... I start asking for Daniel... they keep telling me I have to wait.

Finally I get rolled back to my room, and I FINALLY get to be with Daniel. He only has time to tell me what the doctor told him. I share with him how much pain I am in. Then he has to leave because it is past visiting hours.

I felt so alone. I am so tired but I can't sleep. I tried to process the information I was given." The baby was with me all this time. They took it tonight. They took my tube tonight. I have one tube left. My baby was with me all this time. I have only one tube now. My baby was with me but is now gone. One tube." My thoughts are interrupted by the room-mate flipping the TV channels.

I try to sleep. but the room-mate is loud and obnoxious. I give up on sleep once the sun starts to come up... I watch some Downton Abbey on my Kindle... I surprise myself at how un-emotional I am. I attribute it to the pain killers. Everything is just so numb. When they wear off the pain is un-bearable... but I find myself sad... able to sort out these emotions.

I was discharged around noon. Daniel took me home... he hadn't slept all night either. We share a few moments. We cried and just were silent together for a long time. We are tired on so many levels.

This was a long and dull blog... its the pain killers.

We could really use prayer... and encouraging words... positive thoughts.

What is Savingstar?

SavingStar is the first national, fully digital, grocery eCoupon service, available for free at www.savingstar.com and on iPhone and Android mobile apps. There's nothing to clip, nothing to print.

Providing exclusive eCoupons redeemable at over 24,000 grocery and drug stores throughout the country, SavingStar’s eCoupons are linked to customers’ loyalty cards and offer a more convenient and eco-friendly way to save on groceries than paper coupons. SavingStar automatically adds the value of each eCoupon redeemed into users' SavingStar accounts, enabling them to pick their payout from cash to gift cards to charity donations. (info from Savingstar.com)

If you're an old pro at couponing but have steered clear of digital coupons, now is a great time to try them out on SavingStar.com.

The national e-coupon site just added several new offers that I've never seen on SavingStar before, including two coupons for Cheerios and one for Pillsbury rolls.

I like SavingStar for several reasons:

• The site is easy to use. Once you click on the coupons you want, they're good at any of the supermarkets and drugstores that use loyalty cards to track customers' purchases. (You can only use each coupon once, however.) You can ad several cards from the same store. I have 3 CVS cards attached to my savingstar account.
• You're done in seconds. No clipping or filing required.
• It's eco-friendly. If you don't end up using the coupons, you haven't wasted any paper or ink.
• You can stack these coupons with paper coupons and store-specific digital coupons to save even more.
• Your savings are easy to track. When you log in, you'll see your savings tally in the top right corner.
• Can't remember what coupons you selected? There's a free app for that. Download it to your smartphone and review your coupons or add new ones while you're in the store.

At the store register, SavingStar coupons are NOT automatically deducted from your grocery order. Instead, the savings accrue in your SavingStar account. Once you've saved $5, you can have the cash deposited directly into your bank or PayPal account. Or you can choose an Amazon gift card or donate the money to charity.

Read more here: http://blogs.newsobserver.com/centsiblesaver/new-savingstar-coupons-on-cheerios-pillsbury-rolls-more#storylink=cpy

A Baby... Our Baby... Lost and Loved

Read here for earlier this weeks blog

My heart is so torn... I feel hollow and defeated. I still do not understand pregnancy loss... what is the point? I trust God has a purpose... a plan... all things to work together for the greatest good. It still hurts... my heart and soul hurt.

The thought that hurts the worst is that this baby was gone before I knew about it. I hate that I didn't get to love it when it was alive... "It"... seems so wrong to call a baby "it". A baby so wanted...

We never gave names to our other children who had passed. I gave charge to the Angels in naming our children... saying "give them beautiful Hebrew names, surprise me when I meet them."

This baby... I have a need to name... this baby we want to know is very much loved... cherished... and missed.

This baby we named Kellen Lee Whipple. An Irish name meaning 'powerful'... this baby, so small, was with us --then left us without us noticing... but was so powerful in our lives!

My Dearest Kellen,

You were a surprise to us Love. A welcomed miracle into our lives! I pray you know how much your Daddy and I do love you! We cherish your memory and our hearts are forever yours.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

I really am not comfortable talking about Kellen or the loss in general. Just a heads up for future conversations.

Limbo

Reader warning... the following may be more information than you would like to know about me.

Sitting in my OBGYN office yesterday... waiting for my doctor to come back in and tell me the results of a pregnancy test. I already "knew" the answer. I was smug. I had just weaned Ana 3 weeks ago. I got my first cycle four days after weaning. It was heavy... with clots ranging from pea size to kiwi size. That was the reason for my visit to my doctor. To stop the bleeding.

My doctor wanted to do a D&C, just to rid me of all the build up. I talked him into the progesterone pills... take for 21 days, come back in once a new cycle starts. He agreed as long as I take a pregnancy test.

So I wait for the results... laughing at the impossiblity of being pregnant. We have never had a pregnancy without several rounds of Clomid... and I JUST weaned Ana.

Doctor Perry walks in; "Well Sarah, your pregnancy test was positive. I am not sure what is going on. You are possibly miscarrying".

I sat there... thinking of Sarah in the Bible... I laughed at God. How foolish to think I could put God in a box... my God, who has countless times proved miracles do happen... to me...

I cried... not with joy, but with fear. We desperately want a baby... of course! We would love to love many more children. But--- do we get to love this baby? Or is this baby already gone?

That hit me hard... did this baby leave without being loved and cherished?

We leave the office with instructions to come back in the morning for a blood test, then back on Thursday for a follow up.

I am numb.

We get home and I tear off all of my clothes... they feel so weird on my body. I am hysterical.

I go in the bathroom and do my own pregnancy test. Thinking I just could not be pregnant... not wanting to think we are going through yet another pregnancy loss.

I dip the test in, and instantly got two pink lines. I lost all composure... reality was far from my grasp.

What happened in the two hours from the test, to when I woke up in bed... I don't know. Daniel was holding me close. My Mom had picked Eli up... Ana was napping. I felt sick... confused.... scared.

We laid there for a long time... talking and crying. The not knowing was really eating at me. Daniel talked me into going to the ER.

The triage nurse seemed annoyed. Asking me routine questions. I am sure they get countless scared pregnant women in every week. I told her I have two children. She says so this is your 3rd pregnancy. I say this is my 8th pregnancy. Her tone changed.

Nurse: Gravida?

Me: 8

Nurse: Para?

Me: 2... abortus 5, 4 miscarriage, one ectopic.

I felt relieved. She spoke to me in real terms... she didn't sugar coat anything. She didn't beat around the bush. For the 5 hours we were there, she would pop in and tell us what was going on. What doctor or specialist had my file.

At the end of the night we had learned that my HCG is about 730ish. The ultrasounds showed nothing except a large amount of blood loss coming from my cervix. They can not rule out miscarriage. They can not rule out ectopic even though nothing was found in my tubes or ovaries. They can not rule out a stable pregnancy.

We leave with instructions to follow up with my doctor on Thursday.

In limbo... once again...

Swagbucks Made Simple

Swagbucks is an easy way to stretch your buck! Use your swagbuck earnings to treat yourself to things you wouldn't normally buy like a Starbucks gift card, concert tickets. OR be extra frugal and use your swagbucks to purchase Amazon gift cards and get your diapers or dish soap for free! Or save those Amazon cards for Christmas/ Birthday shopping!

I personally have used Swagbucks for over a year now. Using my swagbucks to purchase arena tickets, Amazon gift cards (which I have used to help with Christmas shopping, buying baby necessities, and a few HBO/ SHOWTIME tv series on DVD). I have even used my swagbucks to buy a gift card to an online clothing store.

How to sign up for Swagbucks?

It’s super easy! Just go to Swagbucks and fill out your information. You'll receive 30 points just for registering to get you started. After you've registered, read on to maximize your earnings potential.

How to maximize your swagbucks!

Once you've registered with Swag Bucks, earning SB is easy. Just follow the instructions below to earn!

Perform these tasks every day:

1. Install the Swagbucks toolbar. You'll earn points every day when you first open your browser just for having it installed!
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3. Take the Swagbucks daily poll to earn Swagbucks.
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Doing these things everyday for one year will earn you at least 1460 Swagbucks! That is enough for 3 Amazon gift cards! Easiest money you will ever make!

Mega Swagbucks Friday:

Be sure to do a few internet searchs on Fridays for the opportunity to win Swagbucks in larger-the-usual amounts. Win in amounts of 10, 20, 50 or even 100 Swagbucks!

Other ways to earn:

• Follow Swagbucks on Twitter, Facebook, and the Swagbucks blog. They regularly offer limited-time only Swag Codes on each of these sites.
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• Invite your friends to join Swagbucks. When they use your personal referral link, You'll earn every time they search and win too! So use my link here so I get the credit for referring you!
• Recycle cell phones, MP3 players, video games, and gaming consoles.
• Shop through Swagbucks and earn SB on each purchase.
• Send photos or videos of prizes redeemed through Swagbucks and earn up to 20 SB.
• Contribute ideas for the daily poll and receive 100 SB if your poll is featured.
• Coupons! Each coupon that you print from the Swagbucks site and is redeemed at a store will earn you 10 swagbucks. This is how i earn the most of my swagbucks! I use several different computers to print the coupons so that I have more then 2 of each... but if I am printing coupons anyways from a site like coupons.com, why not use the Swagbucks site and earn even MORE?!?! Just 45 coupons redeemed will earn me a Amazon gift card. I average 3-4 Amazon cards a month just from coupon redemption!

It really is easy to earn swagbucks... I hardly put any effort into it at all... I don't have that much free time... really, but I make it work in my favor!

If you are still unsure about Swagbucks, read some of my other post here about it :)