Plastic or Paper

so today i start my new job... i am a little uneasy about this... i have no idea what i will be doing. alls i know is to show up at one pm in my uniform... its scary being the little guy on the totum pole... at preschool i was it, the bomb yo... people came to me and asked me questions, and i knew what to say... i had all the answers, i did whatever i wanted... it was nice... but now... i have to answer to high authorities (of sorts) ... this bothers me... i hate not knowing what will happen... this job is good for me, and daniel... i wont be craby and emotionaly exhausted at the end of the day... I HATE CHANGES... argh... i need to sleep, but my mind is wandering... i so want some OJ... and french toast... yum...

Impossible Reality

Fear of your thoughts holds me speechless. The love you have for this stranger capsizes normal emotion and is drowning me with your dreams. Tears of "what if" fall down my face, I close my eyes and try to sleep the worry away. You can't love me... Terrified...I want to run away, you just can't love me. Emotions I found impossible to expose have taken form. I don't understand, you don't know me, or do you? So lost in this web of us...

doubting Tomas

The love and acceptance you show me surpass the understanding of my phynite mind. Why do you, God, creator of the earth, the galaxies, and all eternity want to love me? What have I done to deserve the love you give? A doubting demonic spirit has preoccupied my thoughts with fear of rejection. Thinking you have left I start searching. Have you taken and earthly form? Eyes open wide, blindly I call out to you. My cry's so loud I swear the heavens have to hear. Months pass. I fall to my knees and decided you have abandoned me. I close my eyes and look inside myself for the reason of abandonment, searching deep inside myself. Past every action and moment. I find you. Tears fall down my cheek. You have done just as you promised, but why did I forget? I know you will never leave, I know you will always love me. The imperfection of my faith boils the rage of hate against myself. Why cant I know without thinking and believe without question that the love you have for me is unfaltering?

I would kick my butt

If the me from high school meet the me of now, it would try and pray the demons out. Funny how I ended up being all the things I hated. I have thought it over, analyzed it through and through, why... why did I change.


Jennifer asked "Do you think that you were the way you were because you felt you had to be that way?"

hmmm.... ya... I think so....

People expected me to be a Bible Thumper. They Expected to see me at Church Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. I was expected to be in the Christian Club at school and I hoped to "See you at the pole." I was good at being the Jesus Freak and loved the title. Every day was a mission... "win lost souls for Christ..." or so I thought... it was more of an obsession...

It took a LONG time for me to realize.... I HATED WHO I WAS... So much anger was built up, I was holding back from living for so long. I feel I wasted so much time being someone else.

I am not complaining or saying my parents stuffed religion down my throat. I believe the Bible is the true word of God. Jesus died for our sins on the cross. He was buried and rose the 3rd day, he ascended into heaven and is coming back. The only way to heaven is threw him, and he welcomes everyone...

I am not sure of the point of this blog... I am moving this week, so I have been packing all my stuff, and I happened upon my journal from high school. I was reading it and was amazed at how much of a angry person I was a bitch, I hated everyone. And yes, I can say that cause Jesus hella loves me!

But I really think I have changed, I have learned to love the sinner, but hate the sin. That was something I didn't know how to do in high school...

Don't look at me when I cry

How is it that two people, who shared countless days full of fun and laughter, end up being strangers... Which one desided to let the other one go? Maybe we wern't that great of friends... I guess that I made it out to be more than it really was... I just don't understand... she taught me so much about life and friendship and to "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold..." then she disapears... god I am so stupid... hanging on to this, she has been gone for almost 4 years now, but it hurts just as bad as the day she left... I have issues...