Ready for Awkward

Its been about fourteen years sense my last blog. Stop pestering me… I blog when I feel like it… I just haven't felt like it lately. Its not that my life hasn't been interesting. Life with a baby makes everyday blog worthy.

My baby… my hearts song… my love!

I don't like bothering people with the negative aspects of my life. I am a problem solver. I fix things for people. Its hard for me to let people into my heart. I keep things bottled in… deep down under all the other stuff going on in my life. I do however, on occasion, just start blurting out the heaviness of my soul to a select few. I do feel bad… It seems these days all I do is pile on the complaints.

It is just hard to be happy. You know the expression, "when it rains it pours"… well I have a new one… "my soul has been replaces with tar and I am sinking in shit."

Why is talking about depression taboo? Especially in the Christian community. Someone admits to have fallen into depression and suddenly they have fellow church members saying annoying things like… "its cause your living in sin" "turn your life back to Jesus" "you need to live in the word" "You need to be born again" "Get plugged into a small group"

But you see… I love my Jesus, I talk to Him and He talks to me.

Well…

My name is Sarah

I am depressed.

Now what? Its just complicated…

I am too tired to try to please everyone else.

I wish I could rewind his heart to the man he was 3 years ago and press play

Rent money

Lack of Sleep

Lack of fun

He is just un interested in general.

The dynamics of us have changed but he hates change

… my heart is made up…

….I don't want to talk about it anymore…

SO….

I had an appointment at Lake College… I am going into Nursing… yea me!!!! I am excited!!!

Roll Over Eli

After much anticipation my ALMOST 3 month old rolls over for the very first time!
He has been working on it for a few days now and just about had it last night… but this morning he mastered it! I am so proud!!!

Gone Picking Wild Flowers

Four years ago today I meet an amazing person. I had no idea that we would end up in Happily Ever After. I feel extremely blessed to have meet him! He has given me more than I could ever have wanted! He is such a good person with a big heart! I love you Sugar Pie!

D.W+ S.W = Freaking AMAZING LOVE!

A craving not fullfilled

I found eight dollars in my purse.

I got so excited because I have been craving pizza for days now. I call up papa Murphy's and order a large pepperoni then go pick it up.

I wait patiently for the oven to preheat then cook the pizza. The time passes soooo slowly as I wait.

My mouth waters and I can almost taste the pizza. The timer goes off and I rush to the over and take the pizza out. I then realize I already packed the pizza cutter... so I rummage through a few boxes till I find it.

I pick the pizza up and put it on a cut able surface, but as I set it down I have a contraction (not the real kind... the "pretend kind" that have been anguishing me for days now) and drop the pizza to the ground. It lands face down on my kitchen floor.

My first thought is... "Is it still eatable"... followed by "no... Gross... this floor is so dirty and full of germs"... then the tears flood my eyes. I so wanted some of that pizza. I am sooo hungry and we are soooo broke.

It is depressing...

My baby story

SO...

September 18th I woke up at 4am so excited to see my baby! I layed in bed till 6am then got up and headed up to the hospital.

The epidural was scary and numbed me from the arms down... it was like being on an alien spaceship. Not being able to move and staring up at bright lights. It was scary until they let Daniel in the room.

I couldn't move or see what they were doing so I just stared at Daniel... less than 5 minutes later Daniel stands up and I see his eyes get HUGE... then I hear a little gurgle and a cry. Daniel rushes over to the table next to mine. I can't see what's going on, I just hear this beautiful crying... then Daniel brings me over my baby... Elijah Ray...

He is perfect! I feel so blessed to be given such a gift!

We are blessed

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever"

Psalm 146

I got a call this morning telling us we have been approved for an apartment! It is perfect for our needs right now. Close to Daniels work and my parents. God is truly good!

Start of a crackhead career

So Daniel and I went apartment hunting today

The pickings are slim to none.

The first apartment we looked at was over by Enterprise High... We were excited because it was "move in ready" and we only have 11 days left to find a place. The curb appeal was nothing to gawk over. It didn't look too promising, but wasn't bad either. Upon entering the unit we cringed at the brown carpet that was splattered with pink and green paint. We then noticed the walls which had no paint what-so-ever... just a nice shade of primer. The kitchen was the first "room" we checked out. The linoleum once could have been nice, but it was hard to tell with all the dents, dirt and grime build up in the corners. There was nice counter space and plenty of cupboard room. The oven and the fridge looked farley new on the outside. I almost lost my lunch when I opened the fridge though... blood... everywhere... all over the inside of the fridge. We proceeded down the hall where we saw the remains of a heater unit... I think it exploded. The wall around it was charred brown and black. We then came to a door... err... plywood separator with a door-knob... I pushed open the make-shift door and find more blood all over the "newish" linoleum that had been laved but not cut to fit. Where the baseboard was suppose to meet the floor to the wall was missing and the linoleum was heading up the walls. The tub was fine... it actually looked clean. As well as the sink... We left the bathroom and went across the hall to a bedroom. This room had a make-shift door as well... The room looked fine. A nice window and standard size closet all complemented by nail polish glittering the brown carpet. There were no outlet coverings on the walls or light cover for the bulb sticking out of the ceiling. Down the hall was the "mater bedroom". It also had the charming nail polish carpet, absent light fixtures and door, as well as a community of cob webs in the corner.

We then left this charming duplex.... I should have brought a camera; it would have been more amusing.

Next time... maybe

Why is it so difficult to trust that God has everything under control and that he does honestly want the best for us?

I just spent the last two hours in 'Labor and Delivery' up at Mercy Medical Center. I hadn't felt the baby move sense about 4pm the day before. I tried not to think about it, trying to trust God that everything is just fine, but in the back of my mind I have this constant worry.

My mom was there with me listening to the baby monitor and she was reassuring me that I have every right to worry. That is only human and I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't have these worries. She told me how my dad and her were at a constant worry carrying the twins after her pregnancy loss before.

It is just this nasty nagging emotion that won't disappear. The heartache is so fresh those hours spent in the hospital are so vivid in my memory. As the last two due dates came and past I couldn't help but stop and wonder what kind of baby they would have been. And now this time with this beautiful pregnancy and this wonderfully healthy baby boy I can't help but hold my breath with each twinge and poke… wondering when it will turn south.

It is horrible to think!!! I hate these thoughts… I just wish I had enough courage to say "here God… I trust you… completely…."

When the nurse put the baby monitor on my belly and smiled then said "can you hear it? His heart rate is at 142, it is perfect"… I felt so completely relived and a gush of tears came flooding… and at the same time I felt so foolish… almost ashamed…

I know God is holding my baby boy so carefully and His hand is at work in my pregnancy, but why can't I trust Him?

pregnant mind

Sometimes it's hard to see the positive aspects of life when you start heading towards rock bottom.

It seems like Daniel and I have been challenged so much in our life together. I thought it couldn't get any worse after going through a few lost pregnancies then a bankruptcy.

Those were very dark times.

I know, for a fact, that we could not have made it without the support of our families and a few great friends. Daniels family opened their door for us when we moved there. His sister gave me a spectacular job. Corbin gave us a fun adventure in his house when we wanted a bit more privacy. Then my parents literally came and picked us up and brought us back to Redding.

Daniel and I were hit with a ton of bricks today. We thought things were going pretty good, but it looks like our life in our little house is going to be short lived. On top of that, we are going to loose our vehicle (and my computer has a STD and is down for the count). I will admit I am beyond stressed out. There is nothing like being 7 months pregnant, on restricted activities, but have to pack up a house (I just unpacked) and find some other place to live. I would love nothing more to just settle in a nice place and live a life. We simply can not afford the accommodations we have now.

We sat across from each other at dinner tonight and just stared at one another. Trying to think of things to be thankful for. I must admit it was hard. Then I realized that just having Daniel in my life is a great blessing. I am extremely thankful for him. Which made me think of my little baby boy, who is healthy and kicking harder and harder ever day. I am very thankful for my son and the fact that God has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy.

Then my perspective changed. I looked down at my dinner and realized, we are not starving. We just had a filling dinner. We are not naked, we are wearing nice clothes. Daniel has a great job. We have medical insurance now... AND cheese, milk, peanut butter, juice, eggs and cereal thanks to WIC...

I then looked out the window and saw a man with no teeth. Then realized we are not completely unfortunate looking. This made me laugh inside... I am so shallow...

Its because I wear clean undies

So… Friday I left work early to head on up to Mercy… no it was nothing horribly serious. My back was killing me so early that day I called my doc. But he wasn't in the office so the nurse told me just to go to the hospital. I really didn't want to… it was just a back-ach… I was off work for two weeks because of my Sciatica nerve or what not… and so last week I went back to work and it just about killed me…

So… I was a loser and went to the hospital and got admitted so that my doctor would have to come see me… and he did… then he sent this ultra creepy bone guy to move my bones… and move the baby… and put my leg ball thing back in place (I didn't know it was not where it was suppose to be) … and he pulled my leg, which made me want to kick him … but then I felt super!

So now I am on maternity leave… and have… oh… just 100 days left… only 3 months… 3 months of insanity…

The best thing about maternity leave is the disability check you get every week… a whole $40... It is just super…

Who can survive off $40 a week??? Honestly???

So I went down to social services to see if we can get some sort of assistance… I figured we could get a little somethin somethin… We can't just live off one income, it just doesn't work out that way…

But apparently because we don't meet some sort of guideline (I was thinking that not enough money to pay all the bills would be enough) or because we have all of our teeth and a shoe on each foot, we can't even get a smile out of them.

I wasn't looking to be total white trash. I just wanted food in my fridge…

This is why people revert to criminal activities.

I know that God will provide all we need. I need to trust Him… but… I am just so frustrated. I could go back to work I suppose… but there is nothing worse that being in so much pain and having to smile and care for 15 toddlers. It gets to the point where you just want to tell them to go far away… leave me alone… go play…get out of my face…

Sigh… I am not that mean… honestly…

Long Overdue

Sometimes I wish we could still be friends.

You broke my heart but I can't even remember the hurt.

I just think of all the good times and sigh... and good times they were.

I know I was stupid, I had much to learn and I am sure you can say the same.

Things change, people change but pictures and memories stay the same... and I do have many pictures that show girls not being very tame.

I don't know why I threw it all away.

Life was crazy during those autumn days... under pressure, but it was only just a faze.

I say I have forgiven you, but I can't even remember what the forgiveness was for.

You were the more passionate one that gave much thought to things with your heart. I was hasty, irrational and always thought with my head, never my heart.

The built up tension that led us to be strangers was the result of silence. We needed to talk more. We both don't let people in.

Anyways... I still think of you often, more like every day. You were a piece of me that will always stay. The twin pea in my pod. My matching plaid sock.

Baby Journal #2

June 7,2008

Daddy and I are not sure what to name you. We each have a name, but can't seem to agree. I am just worried it won't be perfect for you. Your middle name will be Ray after your great grandpa Ray. Daddies grandpa. I never got to meet him, but I have heard he was a neat man.

Only 16 weeks left... not even 16 weeks!!! I feel a bit overwhelmed. I am stuck on "Things being pefect for you" I freak out when the house isn't clean or when dishes are in the sink. Right now it is the car... it is a mess... It makes me laugh inside a little. As if you were, right now, to walk into the house saying "geez ma this place is a pig pen" Being pregnat makes a person crazy. Alls your daddy can say is... "calm down"... I do feel bad for him.

It is getting harder to fall asleep and stay asleep. You tend to be a wiggle worm at night and you are growing so fast I feel it. And it hurts a great deal. I am pretty sure you are going to be a moose.

Baby Journal

I am keeping a written journal of the on goings on my pregnancy and thought perhaps I should myspace blog them as well... just for you my friends... As I write I am writting to the baby... FYI...

June 5, 2008

Last night I was laying on the couch watching T.V. Your daddy came over and layed his head on my stomach and said "hi Baby"... You kicked so hard I thought you were going to kick through me. You seem to be more active after daddy gets home. As if you are excited to hear his voice... I can image you yelling "Lets play daddy". You also get excited when you hear other children playing... I think your going to be a wild one. Grandma wants to feel you move or kick so she talks to you and pokes at my belly, but you won't move for her.

Pregzilla

I am exhausted… that just about sums up my life right now. 5am comes early after waiting up for Daniel to get off work just to spend five whole minutes with him. The time I do spend with him is mostly spent being crazy. I have turned into a nut case. I feel like a giant Kraken from the sea. Pregzilla!!!!!!!!

I honestly don't ask for much in life… but when alls I want is a blue slurpie, by golly you would think I was asking for a pineapple flavored pretzel or calorie free cheesecake… seriously! We drive all over town with no success… sigh… this was a few days ago, and I still really really want a blue slurpie.

SO------ I am 17 weeks, that is just over 4 months. I feel it has been a lifetime so far!!! I do feel the baby move and wiggle, but not often. I am hoping that means it will be a laid back kind of kid. Like Daniel… not wild and obnoxious like me. They say at 17 weeks the baby is as big as your hand stretched out or a big pinecone… I say its that big with a giant bowling ball for a head. And it gets worse they tell me… super…

I have been to the baby doctor at least once a week for the last 3 months. I am not a hypochondriac... I swear. It just seems like every thing in the "What to expect when your expecting" book applies to me. You know the statistic "one in a million"… I am that 1... Woooooo…. My doctor gave me vicodein to deal with the pain. That just seems wrong to me. But a few people have told me their doc gave them the same… so…

Oh my gosh!!!! So my mom took me shopping in Chico for my birthday last week… We had lunch at the BK lounge (Burger King) and about an hour later I was a huge!!! Like the girl from Willy Wonka!!!! So… no more eating out like a Fatty McFat Fat… I guess its better that way. Not like I was a fast food junkie. I haven't even gained that much in the last four months… really! Only 8 pounds… crazy I know! I feel like its more. Its not cause I've been pukie either… I have only prayed to the porcelain gods a few times, mostly because of migraines…

I still want a blue slurpie……………………………

We need to move… darn Gypsy soul… I think if I had my own space I would be less crazy. Which would be a good thing… I get so frustrated when I feel like I am being un reasonable, which in turn makes me even more nuts… when will it end………………

No, I do not know what the baby is yet. I think it is a boy… I will find out next month

So that is all for now…

my Butterfly

So I was in bed just staring at the ceiling when all of a sudden I felt this tiny little flutter... almost like a tickle on the inside of my belly...

Of course I cried a little.

This is how things are

So this is how things have been… and are currently.

Daniel and I moved back to Redding the day after Thanksgiving. My parents drove from Cali to Arizona to help us move. My family spent Thanksgiving with Daniels family. It was fun… and interesting… lol… The drive back wasn't nearly as bad as when we moved the first time. No 20 hour car ride with a crying cat, or flying dead rabbits. It went quickly, mostly because (I think) I missed my family and was more than ready for the move. I didn't even get choked up or give it a second thought. I was loosing my mind and part of my soul everyday I was away. I need my sisters, I need my mom, I need my cousins, my brothers, my aunts and uncles. I need them all. They are a big part of me and my life and I don't feel myself when I am away. So… we moved…

We are living with my parents… and ALL of my siblings (My parents, 2 brothers, 2 sisters, 4 dogs, 4 cats, a lizard… and then Daniel and myself). It has been interesting and I love it. I don't mind all the chaos or chores… its nice. I feel relaxed and even happy, even with all the recent heartache and being depressed because of our loses. I feel at ease. I know this is where God wants us.

Daniel and I each found a job the first week back. He is working at Luigies Pizza, delivering pizza. I am teaching at West Redding Preschool (UGH!)… again… I know its not the best of environments, but I honestly feel like there is more to do there than get a pay check… like God has a job for me to do there… so I tie my shoes everyday with a sigh and a grunt, curse under my breath and put on a smile and head to work for another day of cleaning up spilt milk and wiping snot. I love the kids, but there is just too many in the class, and the lack of compassion amongst the staff is so sad. I'm working an UBER AWESOME gal. She makes it bearable!!!!

I miss my friends in Arizona… so so so much! I miss having fun with you all. The wild and crazy car rides to the mall or to Wendy's. Ordering 20 zillion chicken nuggets and the cowboys at Elyse's. Sarah, I miss your giant beast of a car and having lunch with you! Alura, I miss your boy drama and just hanging with you!! Robbie, I miss the random get togethers and your awesome shoes!!! Corbin, I miss your stinkin face!!!! Austin I miss your kind words and your nig--- beater!!!!! Sigh… I wish I could keep you guys in my pocket so I can pull you out and be with you whenever I feel like it.

I have no car.

I need to hang out with someone and have fun… seriously… I always forget to call you guys to hangout, so call me! OR TEXT ME! Something… I am real horrible about calling… I know I know…. Lame!

The End