Monday, May 31, 2010
What is this increasing pain. Why are my HCG levels STILL rising? Why won't God take this away from me. I want closure. I want to move on. I want my body to be able to heal so I can think about being pregnant again someday.
I have beg, pleaded, screamed and wept for God to let my body heal. I feel like I am fighting a hurricane. My body is still pregnant... even though there is absolutely no baby inside... anywhere.
WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! What is the point here God? What lesson to be learned? Do I really need to be this strong? What good can come from this? I am lost! So confused! I am terrified...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I thought my latest miscarriage experience was near an end, physically that is. Of course I will forever be emotionally haunted. Forever missing my babies. Today I went in for a post D&C check up. Hoping to get an "all clear"... really thinking things were going to get better. I felt fine, I felt awesome... I felt my heart healing.
My HCG count jumped to 2400 last night... it was only 900 the day of my D&C(over a week ago). They did an ultrasound and found nothing... nothing at all... nothing ANYWHERE... what the heck!
My OB sent me to Mercy to get the Chemo Methotrexate injection. They took more blood and had a rush done on the HCG count. It went up to 2860, just in 13 hours. I am so confused. The OB is certain it is an Ectopic, even though he can't see anything in the tubes, or anywhere else. The injection is making me so tired. My head hurts... it feels like it will explode.
If the HCG levels do not go down in a week I will have one more injection. If they are still not going down in 2 weeks then I will have to have the surgery. I am terrified! What if that is it for us. What if we can't get pregnant again!?
I feel like a failure. I can't even grow a baby. Something so natural, something so evolutionary. I have to endure pills, hormones, waiting, more pills, charting, truck loads of emotions that come out of the blue... This should be a happy experience. Why do I have to be terrified when those two pink lines appear. It is like my heart and mind are just use to the worst scenario. It took so long for good news, and now we are crushed.
I just want this to be over with. I am a mess... My heart hurts so bad. I understand this is just a short time in my life... a low valley for Daniel and I... but I can't see past the hurt.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
From this experience I have learned that miracles do happen, but I would have rather had to endure more waiting than to experience this feeling.
It seems life moves on even in the mist of my world shaking. Not that I want the world to know or need some sort of attention… I am having trouble just speaking to familiar faces and consoling in friends… It would be nice if time could pause without me… just so I could breath.
I feel defensive. I keep picking fights with people in my mind… Like maybe if they say the wrong thing I could lash out and belittle them with my words so that they can hurt too… because physical violence is just un-lady like.
I am angry… So many questions for God. So many people having babies right now… I need a vacation in a retirement community or something. Someplace without glowing bellies, someplace without Face Book sonogram updates, someplace without happy moms to be. Deep down it's not how I really feel, I know that... it's just not fair... and I am heartbroken.
Angry Blog… I want to kick and scream and I just need to be angry for a little bit…
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
There are so many things I don't want to do as a mother in raising my children! So many things I want to be able to promise and be responsible FOR doing! Being a preschool teacher I see all the in-justices parents do to their children... I always found myself saying "I WILL NEVER DO THAT!"
I don't want to be one of the moms that directs all the conversations and attention to my own child.
I will not leave my child with a babysitter or in childcare even though I have the day off and would like alone time (once in awhile is fine, sometimes moms just need a break)
I don't want to be one of those moms that brings her kid sick to play dates and child care just to "get a break from that sickly whiny kid"
I don't want to be one of those moms that makes games fair for everyone... if he doesn't make the team then it is a good lesson to try harder.
I want to instill good manors into my son. So many young children have a tenancy to talk back and question directions. It is rude.
I want my son to be able to appreciate all forms of art.
I want my son to be feel free to get muddy and messy. The best kind of fun is when your covered head to toe in muck!
So many things I have already said "forget it" with...
I promised I wouldn't allow my child to watch more than 30 minutes of TV a day... but without the DVD player I would not be able to pee, do the dishes or have a conversation with my husband.
I never wanted my son to eat junk food or have a bottle STILL at 19 months... I figure it is better than him screaming at me for 2 hours straight because he wants Mac n Cheese... so I compromise... make mac n cheese but hide carrots and squash puree in it.
I will NEVER co-sleep with my child... but after 9 days of no sleep... sleep deprivation causes ill rational choices that leave lasting bad habits! 19 months later a few nights a week I find myself crowded out of a bed.
I will NEVER put my son on a leash... I bought one at Walmart for $6... I figured I would rather other parents comment on how horrible of a mother I am for putting a child on a leash, rather than other parents comment on how horrible a mother I am for loosing my child...
I suppose that being a mother means you have to be flexible... Not being able to commit to these things doesn't mean I am a horrible person... I find moms don't give themselves enough credit. There are worse things you could be doing to your child.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Today Daniel and I were told that our baby love has gone to heaven. Kinda don't know what else to say to that fact. It hurts, my heart hurts...
I had to have a D&C early tonight, it was quick and painless. Being in the room that I had first meet my son not even 2 years early was probably the hardest part. Knowing I won't get to hold my baby, see that little lip quiver, nurse my baby, change that little bum... thinking all those things I got to do with Elijah just broke my heart. I honestly didn't think I could do it. I started screaming in the room... I am sure the nurses thought I was crazy.
Mercy really needs to have a place for D&C patients that is NOT the Maternity Ward... not the same exact room where I had my son. The admitting lady, when we first arrived, gloated at the "little lullaby" that plays every time a baby is born. It was playing while she was filling out our insurance forms. Daniel and I just sat there... that hurt.
I feel better now that it is over, no more waiting in limbo... wondering what is going on. Having an answer helps.
I know that without God, I couldn't have done this. Honestly I probably would gone mad or something. I kept thinking about that song "Power of Your Love". It kept playing over and over in my head.
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I'll rise up like an eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
By the Power of Your love
I am not sure what God's purpose is in this heartache... or why he chooses me to endure the test of my strength over and over again. I know He has a plan and I feel blessed to be a part of it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
This last week I spent with my stomach in knots. Is this baby surviving? Thursday morning was spent in the Emergency room, some unexpected (and painless) developments had my entire family on their knees. This moment was why Daniel and I choose to spread the good news so early. We couldn't possibly endure heartache alone. The constant support of our family is the only thing keeping us sane.
The Emergency room doctor gave us a report of gloom and doom after only doing a basic ultrasound... "there is nothing you can do, sometimes these things just happen"... To which I wanted to slap him! Yes, these things happen... maybe once in a woman's life... NOT FOUR TIMES! Don't be such a pompous prick Dr. Curly Fro... geez I hate Mercy Medical Center!
My OB, Dr. Perry, once again went above and beyond in examining every detail then explaining it to me. He then showed me that not all is lost... showed me the positives and remind me that God is in control. I went in today to have more blood work done then tomorrow I go see Perry to discuss it... to find out the outcome... but for today... I wait on God.
I have never been more scared in my life. Never have I been more exhausted. The emotional drain these last few days have left very little left of me to be a mommy. I feel like a Zombie...
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Nearly two weeks ago I thought I would pee on a stick... hoping for two little pink lines... My wishes were granted when that second line showed up... though very faint.
I tested the next two days as well getting more double pink lines... I made an appointment with my OB for the very next day.... Tuesday... I had butterflies that whole night!
Tuesdays appointment produced a BIG FAT NEGATIVE... so they took some blood... I was so confused that night. I feel pregnant. I felt pregnant even before I got the two faint lines on all three of the earlier tests. I ran out and got a digital test.
I got a call from my OB the next night saying "yes you are pregnant, however just barely... and your progesterone is dangerously low. I called in a prescription for you... go pick it up asap and start it" My heart sank!
Four days have past... I am in a state of constant worry. Trying to enjoy this... Trying to be happy. I know that fear is not of God. This fear and worry that lays heavy on my heart is from the Devil.
Daniel and I told my family yesterday at our Mothers Day BBQ. Though I am only 6 weeks along, we figured that the support of family would make our hearts not so heavy. I knew that their positive love would lift my spirits... It did!
I just have to keep positive, I believe that moods have an effect on health... soooo I just have to keep taking the meds and keep my spirits high... "Baby love... you have already brought me such joy. We love you. There are so many people out here that want to just love on you. You need to keep growing so you can play with your big brother! He really wants to play Toy Story with you!"
Just keep thinking sticky baby thoughts... oh that sounds odd!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Two days ago I let my baby go by buying him a big boy bed.
Yesterday we said "bye bye" to all his baba's.
Today he went pee-pee in the toilet like a big boy.
Where has my baby gone?
I am so anxious for Eli to reach the next stag in his development. To celebrate these milestones! At the same time my heart is just a little big sad that he is growing up.
I see the frustration he is going through as he fights for his independence and my heart breaks when he realizes he still is too little for certain things. He wants to grow up too fast... I want to cheer him on, but I want to swaddle him tight and never let him go.Watching my baby big boy grow up is so bitter sweet!