Monday, October 31, 2005


In my line of work I see alot of garbage. I watch familys fall apart. Fathers who go to jail because they had molested their own children. Pregnant mothers come to pick up their children reeking of pot. Moms who bring their children to preschool but quickly leave because they are ashamed of the bruises on their face. Parents that are late picking up their kids cause they were out drinking and had to find a ride to preschool. Children talking about "what happens when daddy gets mad" I watch in pain everyday as parents chose their careers over their children. Parents who drop their children off at preschool at 7:30 am, hair uncombed, wearing the same dirty smelly clothes as the day before with a pop tart or twinky in hand, while mom or dad pulls away in their brand new SUV talking on their cell phone wearing beautiful clothes on their way to Starbucks, then the same parent will then come back still on their cell phone at 5:34 (we close at 5:30) they yell at their kids... "hurry up get your stuff and get in the car, i have a meeting to go to..." I really hate how parents refuse to discipline their kids... that really frustrates me. I meet hundreds of kids a year. The ones that are better behaved, and have more respect for themselves, adults and things are the children who receive discipline. But along with that they also receive positive reinforcement and attention, their has to be equal balance of both. I have meet alot of very depressed children also lately. For instance, I was babysitting 3 children ages 5, 9, and 12. The 12 year old was obsessed with "having a boyfriend" and how this other girl in her class has nicer clothes, and bigger boobs and two boyfriends at the same time, so in turn the 5 year old girl talks about the same thing. But the 9 year old boy just broke my heart. After I put them all to bed I went in and checked on them, he stoped me and tells me how he "wished mommy would play with him" and "love him like she loves Adam (her boyfriend)" then he wen ton to tell me he, "just wants to die because then mommy would notice something different about him and then she might wish he was their again." that just floored me... he is just a baby... its was so... heartbreaking... I dont know what the point of this blog is... I am just at a loss of what to do... I love my job! I love working with the kids, but so many of them are hurting, and I can do anything about it... I just wish I could change what goes on at home sometimes... I just dunno...

Friday, October 14, 2005

Jonah Jonah Jonah Jonah Jonah in the belly of a whale

this is the "lesson" I am giving this week at church... feedback would be nice... is it too boring or confussin... its for highschoolers... so let me know...

Many people discredit the book of Jonah because it describes a man surviving inside a fish for 3 days. To many, this simply seems impossible. So they raise all kinds of questions that have little to do with the central theme of the story. Was Jonah swallowed by a fish or a whale? Isn’t this story more of an allegory than a historical narrative? If Jonah wasn’t swallowed by a fish isn’t Gods word discredited? Many people would rather debate the story then learn from it; critique is rather than study it.

I happen to believe this story is historical fact. First, Jesus made reference to Jonah’s big adventure as an example of his own death and resurrection in Matthew 12:40. Second, there is documentation of someone else surviving a whale swallowing.

1891. A man named David Barltey was a crewman on board a English waling ship called, Star of the East. He was thrown overboard during a struggle to reel in a 70-foot sperm whale, and presumed dead. The next morning the men of the ship begin to clean up and gut a whale they caught the day before and discovered Bartley in its stomach. He was unconscious but alive, his skin bleached white from stomach acid. He eventually recovered and said that breathing was surprisingly easy, though the heat (104 degrees) was almost unbearable.

So it seems possible just by natural cause that a person could be swallowed by a whale and live to tell about it. And when we consider the awesome power of an omnipotent God, how can Jonah’s story be anything less than certain.

But the key to unlocking this book is not establishing the plausibility of the plot. Its recognizing the infinite compassion of God and the drastic measures he takes to express it.

We think of compassion and love as residing in out hearts, but in the Biblical mindset, compassion comes from one’s stomach or intestines. Compassion is gut-level concern for others; something you feel deep in your belly. That’s why the Bible sometimes speaks of “bowels of compassion.” God had it. Jonah did not. So God used the stomach of a “fish” to try to turn Jonah’s stomach back to Him and the lost people of Nineveh.

Sadly, even Jonah’s fish ordeal had only a temporary effect on him. He took Gods message to Nineveh, but grew bitter and resentful when God spared the city. In many ways Jonah is just like us. How many times has God stiffed us up to serve him, only to see us fizzle out a short time later? How many times have we grown jealous and resentful when an enemy is successful and seems to enjoy God’s favor? There are many lessons and warning we can take from this story, so as we review Jonah in the next few minutes look for the Holy Spirit to apply them in a variety of ways.

1) You can run, but you can’t hide. Jonah 1:1-17 goes on to read how God called Jonah to go to Nineveh, he refused and ends up swallowed alive, we all know the story. These verses show compassion in disciplining his people. Cause and effect. We learned this as child. When you told your parents “no” as a child you were punished. Same thing here. God will take drastic measures to keep his people in line. He had Jonah thrown overboard and swallowed by a fish. Ask yourself this: What will He do to you??? Whatever it takes to keep you in his care. Hebrews 12 tells us that only legitimate “loved” key word LOVED children receive discipline. Illegitimate kids run wild with no restraint. So, while some people might think God was mean to do what he did to Jonah, he really was just the opposite. Jonah did something extreme by sailing away. God matched that move by sending a storm and a fish to eat him alive.

2) You can always pray. Jonah 2:1-10 is a prayer from Jonah to God then God compassion in answering our prayers. If God were and ogre, he would have gotten a cheap thrill out of squashing Jonah mid-flight. Instead, the Bible says that God provided a great fish for Jonah (Jonah 1:17) And after Jonah prayed, God commanded the fish to vomit him onto dry land. (verse 2:10) Sometimes God needs to drive us to our knees. He wants us dependent and praying. Sometimes he will allow our situation to get so desperate that we have no other choice but to cry out to him.

3) You can never be too far gone. Jonah 3:1-10 gives details of when Jonah does go to Nineveh and Gods compassion in granting repentance. Nineveh was a city of evil people. They were barbarians who worshiped idols and often raided Israel and tortured its people .In spite of this, God was sending them help! That’s why Jonah did not want to go… from the beginning Jonah suspected that God intended to spare the city. Nineveh didn’t deserve God’s compassion, but they received it anyways. Jonah 3:10 says that Nineveh turned from evil and God had compassion on them. But understand this: It was not their change of heart that led to God’s compassion. God’s compassion came first. Compassion led to repentance; not the other way around. After all, if God had not sent Jonah, the people would have never changed. This story illustrates the power of Gods word. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says “All scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” By sending His word to Nineveh, God had compassion on them and gave them opportunity to change. And by granting a place like Nineveh repentance, God shows that we can never be too far gone. No matter where we’ve been or what we’ve done. God can save us.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Two Days after

I have been engaged for only two days now... and already I am feeling overwhelmed. Everyone telling me what I need to do, or things that need to happen or things I need to get. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round that is spinning out of control...ahhhh... and me and Daniel are kinda already arguing about how the wedding is going to be... I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock and hide till its all over..

Sunday, August 7, 2005

Mindles Mumbles

Geez... when it rains, it pours... why is that??? The last two weeks have literally been painful! The church where I work aint got no youth group, so I desided to fix that for them. This Saturday I am having a huge yard sale to raise money so the youth room can get fixed up and I can buy "fun" stuff for it. The next two weekends then will be dedicated to "creating" the room and plaining events. The 29th of this month I have planned a big "blow out" for the youth group. I searched myspace and found a kickbuttband to come and play fer it. They are commin all the way from Chico, just to play at our little church. It ROCKS! I am totally stressed about it though. Like what if the yard sale is a flop and I dont raise any money, then the event will be a flop and no kids will come to the youth group, and then everything will be a complete and udder lose. AHHHHH!!!! with that all goin on my family has divided over an ongoing fight that started 28 years ago. My moms sister (who I was living with untill the fight last week) has some issues with my parents. Things were fine, but sometimes something will trigger a fight... last sunday all Hell broke loose, and so I moved back home with my ma n pa. It sucks, but its free... so... Then the next day my cat died. I havent had time to really greeve yet, it sounds really horrible, but I have been too busy to be sad really... its just another brick to weigh me down i suppose... when things slow down I think I will cry. I havent made a credit card payment for any of my credit cards (which is over 7) in two months... lol... i am getting constant phone calls... People want me to help them or hang with them, or babysit for them, and I say yes... I have no idea why, or where I will find the time. Then... I I have too much to do then to worry about that. I hate going to work now (my aunt is also my boss) so things are very uncomfortable, and for some reason my bestest friend is being a grouch. I am so thankful to God for Daniel, even though my life is bullcrapright now, he is still holding my hand. I really need a weekend away or go on vacation or something... I dont know what the point of this blog is... im just ramballing on and on, probally boring y'all half to death... I am going to take some sleeping pills and pass out... LATER DAYS Y'ALL

Friday, August 5, 2005

Fun Facts about Sarah Colbert

Subject : FACTS
Posted Date: : Aug 5, 2005 6:19 PM

1) I love driving, especially on road trips.

2) I sleep too much, and everyone complains about it, and that pisses me off.

3) I am scurd of the dark.

4) I am a horrible speller

5) Even though I am a tuff broad, I am a sucker for a sappy romance movie.

6) Black liqorish is almost as good as chocolate to me, well, maybe not... but it is good and I love it, not as much as I love chocolate cause chocolate can make any hurt go away.

7) I bit my nails and dont plan on stopping

8) I consider my brother Zach one of my best friends.

9) I love pampering myself

10) I love being on meds, I feel I can conquor the world.

11) Jennifer Nicole Eller is the best friend I have ever had.

12) I hate school work, but I love every english class I have ever taken.

13) I like to go fishing

14) I hate talking about bodily functions

15) Yellow roses make me smile

16) I am addicted to spending money, and it is getting me in trouble

17) I hate most of the female race

18)I don't believe in people who are "psychic"... cause if they were really that psychic they would win the lottery every month, solve all the crimes in the world, find Osama Bin Laden, and they would come to my house and they would know how to fix all my problems, and they would also know that I want them to do that.

19) I love my family more then life itself

20) I love my job, even though I get paid less then the kids working at In-N-Out, and they get bennifts even and I dont, and I have spent thousands of dollars in schooling to have the job I have now.

21) I dont like scary movies or to be scurd in general

22) I hate parents who refuse to disapline their child, and I hate parents who spend more time in a line at starbucks ever morning then they spend with their kid. I think they should be slaped, by me...

23) I take most things to an extreme

24) I am VERY complusive

25) I can sence demonic spirts

26) I am the epitamy of an airheaded blonde, but have an understanding of logical thinking.

27) Big Burly trucks are hot

28) I like to feel needed

29) I have an appreciation of music as an art.

30) I used to be in the church and shcool chior

31) growen-ups were children first

32) I am addicted to myspace

33) I make the best mac and cheese ever

34) I cant swim, but I am a good dog paddler

35) I am going to marry Daniel

36) When I was a child I wanted to be a dog when I grew up

37) I like saying... "shes got dem moles...."

38)I know enough about the Bible theology stuff and personal relationships with Jesus Christ to be a pastor.

39) I love the winter cause snow looks magical to me

40) I really really really want to go Vegas

41) I could eat cereal and watch cartoons all day long

42) I love to dance

43) I believe in alians and Bigfood

44) I love the rain

45) I have three tattoos and plan on getting two more, and have have 7 piercings, but only have 5 now

46) I have moved more then 17 times, 15 times were in the Redding City limits. I lived in Paradise for 5 months, then Chico for 6 weeks when I was little

47) I can not stand people who are picky eaters

48) I am a very self centered person

49) I am easily entertained

50) I really appriciate that you read this... seriously... thanks! GO YOU!

Friday, July 8, 2005

Essay for a class

Little Red Stang Rider

By Sarah Colbert






Buckle Bunny Friend

Ma- Now where do you think your going?

Gal- Me and some buddies are going over to the rodeo Ma…

Ma- Well, you make sure you get your rear back in bed before the morning, and…

Narrator- Gal rolls her eyes and slams the screen door before her mother can finish. Gal ain’t usually rude like that to her Ma, but tonight Gal was in a rush and ain’t got no time to dilly dawdle and listen to her Ma be concerned bout her. Gal hops in her last years model red convertible Stang GT, turns up the custom Mach sound system, revs the engine, then is on her way to meet up with her friends at the rodeo.

Gal- Oh dang, I’m bout on empty. I gotta get me some gas for my car… shiznits… I am

Gonna be super late.

Narrator- Gal turns into the next gas station, pulls up to a pump, hops out of the car and struts into the store, making sure to smile and wink at the group of guys staring at her.

Gal- Hey pal… I’ll put then on…

Narrator- Gal couldn’t finish what she was telling the dude, she stood motionless, staring at the clerk.

Dude- Ten on?

Gal- (blinks a few times to shake herself out of the trance) Ten on pump four. Dang, you’re a looker. You know that right?

Dude- (snuffs a laugh) Thanks, here is your receipt.

Narrator- Gal moseys along back outside so oblivious to the world around her that you might think this tough broad believed in love at first sight.

Dude- (yells as Gal leaves the store) You ain’t bad yourself.

Narrator- Gal looks back and winks at Dude, then thinks… “hmm, did he just say ain’t? He looks like a city boy to me, but he said ain’t…” Gal finishes her task and is soon in the dirt parking lot at the rodeo grounds with her friends.

Buckle Bunny Friend- Woohoo! Dang girl look at you. Are them new boots?

Gal- Na, these ain’t new. You look cute too! Doin your usual prowl?

Buckle Bunny Friend- Of course. You gonna join me?

Gal- No way, I ain’t like that. I come to the rodeo for the show, unlike you… Anyways, lest go get us some seats.

Narrator -After a few hours of bulls, blood, dust, mud, boots, chaps, cowboy hats, Bronx, steers and cowboy cheers Gal was back in the dirt parking lot chit chatting with some people.

Buckle Bunny Friend- Oh my God…

Narrator - The ground rumbled as a powder blue 1990 Ford F-250 7.3 litter diesel pulled up, decked out with a 96’ Ford nose, roll bar, 5 KC lights and a “Git-R-Done” decal plastered on the front window, sitting on 44-inch Super Swamper Boggers. 6-inch Sky Jacker spring lift, 6-inch custom lift reverse shackle cross member in front. 6-inch springs with a custom made shackle flipped in the rear.

Gal- Dang, I gotta get me one of those…

Narrator- A tall and very handsome guys hoped down from the monstrous truck.

Gal- Hey there cowboy, that’s a nice rig you got there.

Dude- Yep, all the better to take you 4x4in in lady.

Gal- Nice hat you got too. I like it.

Dude- You like that? I knew you would so I thought to myself… All the better to get her attention.

Gal- Your smile got my attention, you got yourself a nice smile…

Dude- Golly… thanks… so if I smiled at you would you come with me to the honky-tonk for some close dancing?

Gal- (giggles) Ya know, when I first saw you working behind the counter at the gas station I thought you was a city boy. You sure showed me wrong. The Honky- tonk? Shoot-dang boy, if your gonna take me someplace in your rig, take me up to the swamp. I’ve got me some hillbilly friends that are throwin a shindig up there. We all circle up the trucks, fire up the brush, untuck our shirts and kick some dust… Ya interested?

Narrator- Dude grabs Gals hand, they climb up in the truck and are gone in a jiffy.


Glaring lights, spirit herd curses, frustration overpowering all of the senses. Fear is the result of an unspoken language. A language simple enough, but not an option in one life. Rejection crosses the mind and hides in the conscious thoughts of this mortal. The open mind is blocked at all exits by the hope of acceptance in this walk of the now. Why... is the prodding question, the question unspoken. Your thoughts are hidden behind the red of my actions. My actions are minimized by the red of your thoughts. Compromise is a talk of the weak. Both are strong and as a result truce is a laugh to think...

Promise to Hate

Hidden rage boils inside this soft spoken soul. The true heart is wrapped with layers of pretense love and cheer. Fearful hate accompanied by murderous thoughts consumes her whole being. The one true love she knew seems to have gone away, or perhaps He too has been consumed by her pure hate. Living life as a lie exhausts the light in these eyes. A dull, mindless stare replaces her genuine smile. He promised He would never leave, He promised He would never forget, He promised to always love her, but now she is completely alone.

Drowning in Hate.

Soul Deep Scars

Without you I walk this path in my life. You have predestined me to fail, so in succeeding I fail you. Our friendship, I thought was genuine in love, but it is only as fake as you. When was it that you realized I couldn't be you. The life you live would suffocate me with your love so untrue. Your eyes that shine, I thought once with pride only smile with my failure. Why is it that you bring me to tears of shame, though I am blameless. As I grew and began to realize my life is my own, not yours, you had to hide me from members of your world. I am not what you wanted me to be. Your so called social life did not include me. I only bring embarrassment and attract gaudy stares. I love my life, even more now that your are not a part of it. Time will pass, my heart might miss you. Even thought I can't right now, but maybe someday I might remember why I love you.

Fading Soul

A burning desire to live life has me tangled inside a web of lies. The unconditional love of loved ones pours shame and dishonor, the life they chose for me to live will only lead to my suicide. My life is now lived apart from my past and is keeping me from my future. Suicidal death would cease the fight against myself, but my hellish eternity would commence. Fearing the consequences of spoken truth in this "sinful" life has me paralyzed even in sleep. I feel so confused, my unhappy heart screams death, but this is the life I chose to life. Now I must live my life.

Just Because

Too many hours spent alone dreaming of ways to make you proud. Countless tears shed due to the fact that I am not perfect. What to do now? The perfect daughter you prayed for ended up flawed. My whole life spent in the shadow of disapproval. Crying out to a God unseen, and clinging to His embrace, I fall... Did He let go? No one to turn to. I have been embraced by the "only if love" of my family, and I am loved only when... only when I am not me. Only when I wear the mask to hide my scars. Only when I completely die to myself... Fist clinched tight, my palms start to bleed. The blood runs down my forearm and puddles on the ground. The pain eases the rage of hate in my soul. I close my eyes. My body collapses to the floor. Fully conscious I pretend I am sleeping and I pretend I am dreaming of dieing.

Broken Again

Relentlessly Ive been searching for you. For some reason thinking you have taken an earthy form. Wanting the relationship I had with you as I did when I was a child. Knowing without thinking and believing without question that you are with me and you love me for just who I am. I searched for years with eyes open wide. Crying out thinking you have left. It wasn't until I stopped running, closed my eyes, looked inside myself, and found you. Broken before you now Lord I ask you take my life and me, imperfect as they are, and mold me to be the person you would have me to be. My desire is to forgive with every fault. Love in every action and word spoke.

Past Life

Completely careless but ever so careful to keep it secret she lived many lives. Different faces for different places. A lie to every single one of you. She chained herself, her own soul and tried to drown it with liquid shame and doubt. Familiar to all, but a stranger to herself she lived her life at a standstill. Going insane with every lie, she wanted to die. Achieving that goal one shot at a time, things were starting to go her way. Everything was so dark, she thought she turned blind. Life raced past, time had no value anymore. So alone she screams, crying out in pain. Her life is being ripped apart. This is the end, nothing more. Closing her eyes she knows she is going to wake up dead in Hell. No saving grace will do. There is no tolerance for killing your own soul.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

What If

Would life be better if I got everything I wanted? Would life be better if I was richer or prettier, or more well liked? Would life seem richer if I was able to wake up with the sun to my own clean house and the smell of coffee brewing, feeling refressed and excited about the day and not the have stresses that I have. Would life be more exciting if I had a sports car or a killer body? Would my job be more rewarding if I was a doctor or would it be more exciting if I was a top notch fashion desinger? How did my life come to the point of mediocer? Quiet life in a quiet town. Simple girl, simple job, just simple... Did I settel? What happend to the great things I wanted in high school? I was suppose to change the world... I am not famous, I have a few close friends that know my name. My life is just where I want it. Stresses excluded. Funny how I have changed. No regrets. I love this crazy tragic, almost magic, awful beautiful life...

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Thank You guys! your awesome!

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition... I am so so so bored... blah... Today I realized what true friendship is... a true friend will admit what they really do in the shower... and Jennifer... your secret is safe with me... I have had a buttonload of friends in my short life... Some have become closer then others. A good true friend will tell you like it is and keep you in reality, but will take the time to dream with you too. A good true friend will be offended with you when guys treat you as nothing more then a sex toy. A good true friend will hop in her car with you and drive around town listening to obnoxious music while cat calling ugly guys (hey... it boost their selfestem). A good true friend will hold you when you cry and sing a simple sweet song in your ear, then make a compleate goof of himself just to see you smile. I have really and truly been blessed with a coulple of great friends that are truly awesome people with beautiful souls.

Friday, May 27, 2005

just want to go away

Easter has never been the same since my gramie sold her farm. I never have liked it since. In fact I kinda dread it. I dont like change and when change does happen it takes awhile for me to get used to it. Really lame, I know. This Easter I spent time with my family (like I have done ever year of my life) cept this time I brought my boyfriend and best gal friend with me. (I needed backup incase my mom went bipolar again) We all went to church then to my aunt marcies house... I thought it was gonna be alot worse then it really was. (no one in the family really likes haning out with the people that hosted Easter dinner this year). I would have rathered stayed home then go to Easter dinner this year. Thats really sad I know, but I feel like I have growen apart from my family. The kinda life I have chosen to live doesnt exactly fit in with the kinda life they see as acceptable. I am not a horrible person. They would have told me so otherwise, but I feel like I am constantly being judged and will never meet the standerds they have set for me. A few weeks ago my parents found my old 'myspace' page. It was full of things that I used to do and by reading it one would think that I was a very angry person that I was living a life full of sin and shame. (as my mother would put it). Kinda odd for me to be attracted to a life of parties and boys and "unholy" things. Growing up I was a very Godly woman, always going to church trying to convert unchurched people to Christ. I was very adamit about Jesus and his Ministry and making it my ministry. I was always in church, going to every event they had. At one point in high school I even wanted to be a Missionary in Japan. Choising that life made me an outcast in Jr. High and High School. I was the one that everyone made fun of. The more I spoke of God and Church, the more vulger the boys would act around me, just to make me turn red. I was like the girl on "A Walk to Remember" cept 10x WORSE! neways... I hated it... After I moved out of my parents house I decided it was time for a makeover... I threw away all my church upbringing and disapline. I got a hot car (2001 red convertable mustang with leather and killer sound system), sexy cothes, bad temper, saliors mouth, and no regard for anyone else. I wanted to be the girl all guys wanted and the girl all other girls hated. Thats what I became... I commanded any room I walked into, I could drink any guy under the table, I could get any guy I wanted. It was really an easy transformation... I guess I always had that girl inside me somewhere... then things started going down hill... I became a dream girl... I guess... but dreams dont last long... I got really sick from not eating, now I cant go without eating for more then a few hours. I had to sell my car, I couldnt afford to keep getting it fixed. I cant drink... it makes me sick (thats not a bad thing though...) But most importantly... I lost the respect and trust of my family... thats the whole point of this blog I guess... I know a person can outgrow their friends... but can a person outgrow a family? It breaks my heart thinking of it, and I cant help but cry. These last few weeks have been very very emotional. I can tell my parents I am not that girl anymore, Ive changed... really and truly I have. I am not that crazy party girl anymore (cant belive I am going to admit this... but...)I love going to church, infact I really desire it (not the church they go to though, but like I said... I dont like change and dont wanna go to any other church)... I could tell them, but they wouldnt really belive me. They would always have a doubt. When I look at my mom I see heartbreak in her eyes, I broke my moms heart, and the sad thing is... I dont have any regrets with any choice I have made in my life... Is that horrible? Sometimes I want to just move away... I know I will never "fit in" the same way I used to with my family. It would be alot easier to live my own life if I didnt have the people I love most juding me on every move I make. I know they love and they say the want the best for me, but what they want and what I want are two different things. So ya... Ya'all probally are like... OMG... this girl has issues, but oh well... ya'all are the one that wasted your time in reading it... so... blah...

Heartbreak (nothing more)

Heartbreak (nothing more)
I am so foolish to think that you actually loved me. Another presence is all you desired. Nothing more. My spirit so humble and willing, you found I was easy to break and become addicted to you. I became jealous of you. Jealous of your assurance. Yet your assurance was feed from your fear. Your fear of rejection. You hide that fear with a false sense of love. Since that love was just a lie, emotional anguish moved you day to day. You cried out in pain and begged me to pull you out from the pit you dug for yourself. I reached for you, but you pulled me in and watched with a smile as I fell. I fell down to the death of myself. Now with eyes open wide I live a dead life. Nothing more. I carry on as my dead spirit rots its way from the inside out. I dream about the life I once lived. The life when we were friends. How can we have been friends, you hated me. You hated every breath I took. Each word you spoke to me was saturated with despise. Yet I clung to your pretense love and friendship. Now its gone and I don't want to play pretend anymore. You and I will never be friends again. A demonic force breaths in your soul and is drawing you to your death. The difference between your death and mine is that I died emotionally and the creator of emotion will give me life again, but your death is is eternal. My heart should break for you, but your so called love shattered my heart and now Ive become numb. Numb to all emotion. Emotionless, spiritless... you killed me.

Monday, April 25, 2005


OH MY GOD! I watched Donnie Darko last night... that movie is messed up! seriouse style... it freaked me out! so ya... and I was thinking that grandmas do the wierdest things... like my grandma gives all her hamidown clothes... mostly shirts that are 3x and bra that would fit watermellons with strapes the size of rhode island... that really bugs me... i hate that... and i hate frank.... anwyas i got to go shopping...

Friday, April 15, 2005

Don't look at me! I will eat you alive!

Have you ever just had one of those days when you wake up exhausted, take a shower that doesnt get warm, get dressed and your jeans feel tight cause you just took em out of the dryer. Try to do your make up and your skin is all dry and flaky so your cover up dont blend. Your hair ends up frizzy, ya get to work and everyone comments on how crappy your look. And your convinced the whole world is out to annoy you today? Ya... so thats how I feel so far today...

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Paper or Pastic

I wish life had an instruction manual or course guide or something. That would be so nice... I am a bit overwhelmed and compleatly lost in what to do at this moment. Okay so here is the sitch... I have been in the childcare business sence before I can remember. My mom is a teacher at her home preschool and the mother of 5. My aunt (whom I currently live with and is one of my best friends) is at director of her preschool, a professor who teaches the subject "Early Childhood Education", a high school teacher who teaches "R.O.P Careers with Children", she is the Cubbies Director for the children at her church, and she also is the president of KIDS Unlimited. SO... teaching runs through my veins. Its like my first nature. When I was little I wanted to be a teacher, I also wanted to be a ballarine (okay okay y'all can stop laughing now...) but that dream went down the crapper in the ladies undergarment department in the Wallmart Store... NEWAYS... Sence I was 14 I have been employeed working with children. My senior year of highschool I started studing and testing to achieve my goal of teaching early on. As of now I hold over 31 credits in ECE alone, and by the end of summer with be Accredited. I have spent thousands of dollards to achieve the teaching position I currently hold, and I am gonna brag a bit now... (I am only 21 and already have an accomplished career...) NEWAYS... I love my job, to an extent though. I love the children. I love teaching them and being goofy with them. I love finger painting and water coloring. I love guiding them and preparing their minds and shapping them to be well rounded people. I guess I am a bit bored though. Don't get me wrong. Instructing a class of 9 two years olds IS stressful and at the end of the day I just want to sleep for an eternity, but I guess I don't feel challenged or something. I have only been working at the school I am now for 3 years and I am already head teacher. The next step up would be assistant director, I could be the director of my own preschool if I wanted or have my own home preschool, and that would be FREAKIN SWEET! but I kinda just want to be 21 and not have so many responsibilities... so with that state of mind I applied to work in retail in different stores and currently have an interview at Costco for tomarow. I am excited for the chance of change, but I don't want to go. I don't like change all that much and this would be a very big change for me. I really do injoy my job so much (some days alot less then others, but...) I would miss not being with the kids so much. Then I think about maybe God does want me to get a different job, like maybe I am not where I am suppose to be thats why He is giving me the restlessness at work. Then I think well, if He really didn't want me teaching why did He give me such a big heart for this field of work. But then I think, well maybe its not so much that God gave me the heart for teaching, but it comes so easy to me that maybe I am being lazy and really are affraid of the change. But then I think about all the work I have put into this career and... AHHHH!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do. I am really leaning towards not going to the interview, but I really do want to try something else. I would be making more money with the change, and I really really REALLY need the extra income. I really don't want to leave my class though... I just don't know what to do...

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

While on the Clock

Today I realized I am no longer playing checkers, im playing chess. Let me explain... A couple years ago, in a not so sober state of of mind, I gave my good friend, Amy, some advice on life. "Amy," I said, "why are you so uptight? you are young so be a bit reckless. Right now your life is a game of checkerds, not chess." She looked at me crazy like, so I continued..."In checkerds you can get pieces back and it is not that seriouse of a game. Just like your life right now. When you mess up, you can fix it cause your young." For months that was her favoirte quote... "Lifes a game of checkerds not chess." But when does life get to the point when it is no longer checkerds, and what makes it chess? My life has become so complicated its unreal, I think that is why I like to sleep so much. My brain gets a break from all the thoughts that I keep running thought it... I dunno... I was thinking that Hermits are very smart people. They leave the busy life of social climbers to live in the deep woods by themselves... I think I would very much like that. Cept I would miss my boyfriend Daniel, so I would want to bring him with me. And I would miss my best gal friend Jennifer, so I would hafta bring her too. And I would go insane without my computer and internest so I would want to bring those too. I would need my cell incase some of my "weekend only" friends call to go out. I think my social life would defiet the purpose of being a hermit. Oh well... yawn...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

so, its been awhile

I havent posted a new blog for months... wow... I suck!!! I have a good excuse... I have been busy planning my wedding and getting married... so ya... it was amazing! I cried all day long, even walking down the isle. people said I was shaking when I was standing their saying my vows... I dunno... I was so happy, but a bit sad, its kinda like one more step away from the innocence of being a child. I love being married, I love Daniel...He makes me smile when I dont want to. He makes me glow on my gloomiest days. When my world is upside down he gives his to me and makes me feel better. He makes me feel more beautiful then every girl, even when I look like crap. He makes me feel appreciated. He makes fun of me, but in a good way. I just love how he loves me, and I love how I can love him back. He is one of a kind, never to be replaced. He has gorgeouse eyes (he hates when I say that), a smile I melt over, and a heart of gold. Hearing his voice makes me sigh with content. My everything. His kisses are sweet, and his hugs are addicting, and I get high off his scent. He is the reason I get up in the mornings. Reason I strive to stay alive. He holds my heart. He makes my tears die away. He knows who I am front inside and back. His touch is soothing and makes my knees weak. My first and only love. I am excited to see what married life is like. We both know that the passion fades away for a bit, and some days the friendship is more like two boats passing eachother in the night. We have a very open relationship, (everyone keeps asking that I have no idea why...) so ya... I feel so wired being this in love... its not me... but for some reason this tuff broad is compleatly lost in love....