Sunday, December 19, 2010
The past year has brought many trials and triumphs to my life... and despite the hard times I feel that I have been a good girl and would appreciate if you took my "good choices" into consideration as you visit our house Christmas Eve. I have compiled a short list of items not necessarily wanted... but needed. I could ask for a new car, to win the lottery or to have a new Mac book under the Christmas tree... but what I really need is the following:
*An additional pair of maternity pants... one pair is just not cutting it.
*A full time job for Daniel, sufficient to cover our monthly bills; including enough to cover rent on a perspective home so that we can move out.
*An "easy" button for potty training Elijah. He uses his little potty chair only if he is naked from the waist down... but that will not work in real life, he needs to wear britches!
*The Sandman to leave enough sleepy sand for me to sleep more than four hours a night. I can't function on countless nights of only four hours of sleep.
*A date night with my husband that does not include a restaurant with sticky menus and/or "chicken baskets".
I look forward to Christmas every year Santa... and will have a cookie plate waiting for you again!
Wednesday of this week will be 15 weeks (it is also Daniels birthday...)
At 15 weeks old, Baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee (yes PEE!), and suck on fingers. Baby is about 4 inches long and weights about 2 and a half ounces. I am curious to see if the next ultrasound shows baby bigger than he/she should be. At my last ultrasound baby was already 3 inches... a whole inch bigger than should be for gestational age. Doesn't mean that baby is older than we think because of intense charting and fertility medications my Doctor had me follow. Just means BIG baby, possibly due to increased blood flow because of the Lovenox. We won't have an ultrasound for a few more weeks... so we wait.
According to many baby websites, at 15 weeks old our baby is about the size of an Orange! Which Elijah and I have been eating like crazy this last week! Yum!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday December 1, 2010... today I should have been 9 months pregnant, but my baby got lost on the way and is now in heaven.
Instead, I am 12 weeks pregnant today. God is notorious for turning ashes to beauty, but I can't help feeling depressed. I was suppose to be meeting my baby at the end of December... maybe even before Christmas! With that positive pregnancy test I daydreamed about buying Christmas presents for two children and spending New Years with our new miracle...
Daniel and I are ecstatic to be pregnant again... it is not that we wish to have the previous pregnancy over this pregnancy... in our dream world we wish we could have both! Reality, however, is being thankful for each day as it comes and taking nothing for granted.
Two months have past sense we found out we are pregnant again... and now I am 12 weeks already! I am so joyful... ... ... and
... I think I might punch the next person who lets me know "The scary part is over now"...
Pregnancies that are high risk due to clotting disorders become more "tricky" after 13 weeks. As the placenta takes over there is a higher risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. Clots in the placenta prevent oxygen and nutrients from getting to baby... and then their is a risk for premature labor due to pre-eclampsia... a risk of low weight babies because of the early labor or restricted oxygen during pregnancy... OR... there is the risk of GIANT babies because the anti-coagulant delivered too much oxygen and nutrients through the placenta. Blessed part about that is- More ultrasounds! At 18 weeks I will more than likely need one every other week to make sure baby IS getting enough but not too much nutrients and growing like he/she should.
For now I am focused on being 12 weeks...
At 12 weeks Baby Whipple is about the size of a plumb! About 2 inches long and weighs half an ounce! Baby is learning to open and close a fist... and to curl his/her toes.
We have been talking about the baby to Elijah, who continues to search my belly for him/her. He pokes my belly button and stares intently into it... obviously thinking the baby must be inside it. He is becoming more aware of babies around him and on T.V. I am thinking of getting him a baby doll for Christmas!
I find myself giving into daydreaming about having another baby. I have kept my heart so guarded till this point... not even really wanting to think of names. To which we have pretty much become settled on... but mums the word, for now at least!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Woke up today to find reddish purple spotting
Called my OB... who is on Vacation, so was told to go to the ER.
I have been to the ER more times than I want to admit, so I knew that it was going to be a VERY long wait. I understand how they triage based on pain and severity of visit... but they really need to take into consideration emotional stress as well. Though I had no pain I was shaking so bad they couldn't get a accurate pulse and my blood pressure was sky high.
We sat and sat and sat in the waiting room... two hours of watching people come in and get taken back. While waiting I was able to get blood taken and peed in a cup for all the lab work they needed to do.
We watched as a crazy lady literally climbed the wall in attempts to avoid the hospital security. We watched a very pregnant woman waddle in, screaming obscenities, in labor. The ER is very entertaining!
We waited... THEN finally they called my name. We were put in the only room with a closing door. As soon as I sat my purse down the Dr. came in with a incredibly small ultrasound machine.
"Your labs are perfect so let me do an ultrasound".
I lifted my shirt and he put the scanner thingy on my belly. I couldn't see the screen... or Daniels face, so I was watching the Dr. Hoping to see some sort of relief or ANY emotion from him. For what seemed to be an eternity he Dr. said nothing. I could see Daniel in my peripheral vision trying to look over the Dr.'s shoulder then I hear Daniel scream
"It is moving! I see the baby moving, I see the heartbeat"
I burst into sobbing tears!
The Dr. growls "Stop doing that you are messing it up"
So I hold my breath but can't stop shaking.
The Dr. says everything looks great. He did a pelvic exam and said my cervix is closed up nice and tight. So they send me home.
Worst day of my life.............. but praise God for great results!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
At 11 weeks baby Whipple is the size of a lime and weighs a quarter of an ounce! Hair follicles, tooth buds, and nail beds are forming and baby is busy being an acrobat!
Morning... or all day sickness seems to still be hanging around. I have been obsessing over Mexican food for the last few days. Only a pregnant woman can spend half an hour vomiting in the bathroom then the next second eat a plate of nachos. I woke Daniel up around 5am to go get some Taco Bell the other morning... he said no... le sigh! I am having trouble with clothing items. All my maternity clothes are in the back of our storage unit... behind boxes, the washer and dryer, table and chairs, couches and our bed. Being plus size I don't think anyone but me notices my 'B' belly rounding out. I can't suck in my fat... it just sticks out there... taunting me to hold it. I can't wait to feel baby move!
We have been working really hard to get Elijah potty trained. He seems to like the idea of using his little toilet... and really enjoys the praise for actually using it correctly. If Eli is wearing underwear or pants he tends to just pee anywhere... but if he is nakie he always runs to his little toilet when he has to "go"... so for the last few weeks we have had a half naked two year old running about the house! I have faith that he will be completely potty trained BEFORE baby arrives late May. I have been talking to him about the baby in Mommies tummy. I don't think he quite understands. He lifts my shirt up at random times and growls "bebe" and starts poking my stomach with force. He has been carrying his Woody doll around like a baby, feeding him a bottle and making Woody pretend cry for attention. Whenever we leave the house Elijah puts his Woody doll to bed, covers him up and says "nigh nigh". Elijah is going to be a good big brother!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
1) Go to the store and buy a red cabbage
2) after you get home, cut up the red cabbage
3) add boiling water to the cabbage and let sit for 10 mins (or more)
*On other websites step three said to boil the cabbage for 10 mins. So I tried BOTH methods.
4) remove cabbage from water SAVE THE WATER
5) add urine to the cabbage water. Using equal parts urine and water.
6) if it goes a red or pink color you are having a boy, if it goes a purple color you are having a girl
Non boiled Cabbage water and boiled Cabbage Water
Boiled cabbage water results... Dark purple
Non boiled cabbage water results... fuchsia, but still not as pink as other boy results I have found online.
So according the the red cabbage gender test, baby should be a girl... we shall wait and see!
EDIT: Baby is a girl! Red Cabbage Gender test was correct!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Yesterday we went in for baby appointment number four. The nurse couldn't get a heartbeat on the Doppler... naturally we started to worry. They left us waiting in the room alone... waiting for the ultrasound room to become available. That was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Once the ultrasound scanner found my kumquat baby we saw a perfect heartbeat... a perfect baby love for 10 weeks! I keep saying this... but being a high risk pregnancy has its perks! Most women do not see their OB till after 10 weeks... and do not get an ultrasound till after 20 weeks! I feel blessed. I have had four appointments and 3 ultrasounds... love the reassurance!
Dr. Williams made fun of my Lovenox bruised belly but commended me on my discipline of daily injections... I am proud of my battle wounds.
I can't stop looking at the ultrasound. I am so in love with this tiny blob!
Even though I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby I find myself incredibly jealous of some women's other pregnancies. It could be a complete stranger or a friend... and it isn't with every one I hear about... The adult I am knows that the pregnancy is right and deserved and logical; the child in me still feels jealous. I am not sure if it stems from the multiple pregnancy losses, fighting so hard to keep this current pregnancy healthy or from trying to get pregnant for so long.
I just have a hard time being happy for someone when we are fighting body mind and soul for our own. It is selfish I know... and even with such selfish thinking I naturally feel wrong and evil.
Too many dang pregnancy hormones
Daniel and I have become much for aware of our own emotions with this last pregnancy loss. We have turned not only to each other but to God... accepting support from family and friends but really having a guarded heart. Things we do, say and ways we react from now on are in correlation with our past experiences. With so much hurt you either become jaded or grow from it. It is a learning experience, God will continue to teach us from our losses until the day we meet him.
There is so much pain that comes with pregnancy loss and the last thing a couple needs is negativity and unsolicited advice. A quick Google search can lead someone looking to support a loved one during a pregnancy loss to websites hosting lovely, caring and supportive ways to help. A normal person understands that if you have never experienced a pregnancy loss you can not possibly relate. Daniel and I experienced not one, but several bullies during our last pregnancy loss... even from someone that has been such a support my whole life. Something I have learned to be common among the pregnancy loss community. I learned much about family bullying by serial bullies from this website. I was shocked and appauled by how many women get horrible, selfish and negative comments after the hell of pregnancy loss.
No Angel mommy wants to hear "you will only have one baby so don't bother trying again". "I can relate... "for any "reason" unless your baby died you can't possible relate. "the baby must have been sick". "you are better off, you can't support another one right now." "At least you have one already". We had received many more... but these can't even compare to the horror some women received that I have spoken to.
The fact is... I can't forgive my body for killing my babies. A shocking evil truth. I blame and hate myself...
Most women of pregnancy loss feel the same... so how can someone who has not experienced it relate to me? I look in the mirror and see a a dark hole... a villain that has stolen my baby.
The counter-side to the darkness is knowing that God will take this feeling away from me... I just need to let him. He has brought us through this dark valley so that we can experience the brilliant Grace He has laid ahead for us. We are still learning... we are humble enough to understand that we don't have the answers but we trust that God does.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
At 9 weeks our baby is the size of grape and has tiny earlobes... how precious is that! Most of my day is spent being nauseous. Trying everything to ease the barfy feeling... but I really do love it! Some days I can barley get out of bed just to make it to the couch because I am just physically exhausted. My plus size 'B' belly is looking more like the letter 'D' instead. I am finding that I am growing faster with this pregnancy than I did with Elijah.
Daniel and I have found a girl name we like and we are still looking at lots of boy names... not sure if we are going to share or not... you will all just have to wait and see...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I am on the low dose of one 40mg injection daily. Enoxaparin Sodium is a low molecular weight heparin, prescribed to prevent deep vein thrombosis or pulmonary embolism during pregnancy. At 12 weeks my OB wants me to go on twice daily injections.
I have to give a shout out to State Medi-Cal insurance. I am not too proud to say that my family and I receive full benefits Medi-Cal... and we are very blessed to do so!
My insurance saved me $659.99... that was just for eight injections. I have to take one every day... that is over $82.00 an injection... Praise God for being poor and qualifying for state insurance!
I have found via Babycenter.com, many other moms-to-be, who are on Lovenox, generic, or Heperin. There is a piece of mind that comes with knowing you are not the only person stabbing their growing belly daily. At first I really thought I wasn't going to be able to do the injections. I have no problem drawing blood or doing vaccines on other people... but something about injecting yourself is very scary.
The first couple weeks were a learning process. The actual injections hurt, the medication entering my body stung, the after effect hurt and the bruises lasted over a week. The bruises start off small... pin point in size... then blow up and look like purple baseballs.
Eventually I learned that if you pinch the fat where the injection is going, it doesn't sting as bad. If you don't rub the injection site and you place a ice cube on the injection site, bruises tend to be smaller and heal faster.
Amazingly... the whole process does not gross me out... Motherly instinct, you will do anything to keep your children safe...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Our Glory baby.
However, having faith in a full term pregnancy is something I am struggling with. I feel I have been robbed from pregnancy bliss. Most pregnant women day dream about names and a baby nursery. I live between bathroom breaks... and find myself crying praises while peeing "Thank you Jesus... no blood!"
Even though I am only 8 weeks pregnant, I bought myself some maternity pants. I don't need them yet, but wearing them makes this pregnancy more of a reality for me... and they are the cutest pair of jeans I have ever owned and sooooo comfortable! I am weird... I know.
Being 8 weeks pregnant, my baby is about the size of a kidney bean... or a raspberry! Funny fact- baby has a fully formed nose and elbows at this point.
Nausea has been such a blessing during the last week. My OB is feeling extra confidant in this pregnancy and doesn't want to see me for a few weeks... which makes me nervous. So, I am extremely grateful for nausea and food aversions... that means things are working like they should and this baby is growing!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Yesterday we had our second ultrasound... baby is growing just like he/she should. Heartbeat was 160 beats per minute... perfect!
At 7 weeks baby is about the size of a blueberry
My baby is the size of a blueberry... it makes me giggle inside because it reminds me of Madame Blueberry from Veggie Tales
I have not been ailing from morning (or all day) sickness... however... I have to trick myself into drinking water. Making it extremely cold, or adding lemon juice, if I drink it just plain I get super nauseous. More than anything, I am just tired... I could sleep all day...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Baby is about the size of a single pea...
Thinking about that makes me want some pea soup...
I am exhausted... and starving... and spending more time peeing than doing anything else.
I feel incredibly happy... and blessed
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Statistics, ratio's, medical journals, and percentages all state that I should not be staring at my positive pregnancy test right now.
What kind of chance does a women with hypothyroidism, poly-cystic overies, obesity, anti-phosphil lipid anti-bodies, previous miscarriages, amenorrhea, anovulation cycles, and an past ectopic pregnancy have in getting pregnant? I should have a better chance at winning the lottery than getting pregnant AND caring a pregnancy to term.
Statistics must not have met my God.
My God has promised me a healthy pregnancy... Whether or not His promise is this current pregnancy... I will have to wait and see.
"Shouldn't you wait and see how this progresses before you tell everyone? What if you loose this baby too?"
Getting pregnant is a huge blessing for Daniel and I... a miracle... This baby is wanted... loved and I praise God for this big fat positive.
God has not given us a spirit of fear... but Daniel and I wouldn't be human if we were not terrified. So we wait and put our trust in God.
Today I had my first OB appointment. Dr. Perry is such a God send... I truly believe God uses doctors to perform modern day miracles... Perry put me on Progesterone... again... I apologizes in advance for the spontaneous demonstrations of emotions that accompany the Progesterone medication. I serisouly become a crazy person when I am on them.
I had vial after vial of blood drawn... super fun...
Next week I go in for a sonogram... and Perry will determine whether or not I will need injectable blood thinners... more specifically, Lovenox. I do not want to have to stab my belly every day... but I will ya know.
36 weeks to go!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
He is the joy of my life... my purpose... my baby... my heart's song walking around with a sippy cup... my son.
I am so honored that God found me perfect to be Elijah's mommy...
and today that blessing is two years old.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The nine months Daniel has worked part time and has done various odd jobs to make ends meat. He has been an amazing full time Dad and full time husband... all while being a full time student.
He is a great provider for our little family and I am so thankful for him.
Friday, September 10, 2010
An angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby's birth, then quietly closed it whispering, ’Too beautiful for earth.’
Today I really miss my babies. Please give them extra kisses for me.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I am not alone? Really??? There are more people out there with this issue?
In high school I really didn't think that 10 years later a stupid acne medication would leave me with life long heart ache.
Thank you, makers of Minocycline... not only did you ruin my High School experience, but you have caused the miscarriage of several of my babies.
Let me explain. One, very small and overlooked side effect of Minocycline is a "Lupus like reaction"... or "drug induced Lupus".
Pretty much everyone knows that Lupus is an autoimmune disease where the body's immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. This results in symptoms such as inflammation, swelling, and damage to joints, skin, kidneys, blood, the heart, and lungs… ok, so they might not know all that… but they do know it is no fun.
Drug induced lupus is most known for joint pain and fatigue.
I started taking Minocycline when I was 15 or 16… I can’t remember for sure. Shortly after I felt like an 80 year old women.
In high school I got lunch and various school essential items thrown at my head in the hallways because I was the "slow girl"... I couldn't walk without wanting to vomit from the pain. I should have invested in a Rascal scooter. I couldn't sit on the toilet to pee without tears flooding my eyes because my knee joints hurt so bad. I couldn't take notes in class because my fingers couldn't hold a pen... to be honest, much of this experience must be blocked... I can't remember... and if you ask anyone, I have an impeccable memory.
Countless blood test, pain management, but mostly God Himself healed my body from that pain of a “Lupus like reaction to the drug Minocycline”... it's not Lupus... but it is. I still don't understand and who would have thought that a pill for vanity sakes could cause so much grief.
Fast forward to 2007... several pregnancy losses... I was living in Arizona. My OB ran countless tests and decided he wanted to put me on birth control "you must loose weight if you want to sustain a viable pregnancy."
No gracies Senior OB... Fat girls get pregnant, have a boring uneventful pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby every day... I will forgo the birth control and loose weight the normal way. The OB didn’t address my PCOS or Hypothyroidism… but this blog is not about either of those… so I will leave them out.
We ended up moving back to Redding. Fast forward... January 21, 2008... 5am... Happy Anniversary Daniel... double pink lines!
Hola Dr. Perry "I think I might be pregnant"... He ran the.same.exact.tests. as the Arizona OB. "Sarah, you need to be put on blood thinners. You have Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. Here... I made you a copy from my medical dictionary book telling you what it is". (I should call that Arizona OB and thank him for trying to murder me... birth control is very widely known for creating blood clots... something I only NOW know APS does in excess in my body). I have to say that Dr. Perry DID address my other health issues, but they are very mild and under management so are a non-issue.
There are two main classifications of the antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. If the patient has an underlying autoimmune disorder, such as systemic lupus erythematosus, the patient is said to have secondary antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. If the patient has no known underlying autoimmune disorder, it is termed primary antiphospholipid antibody syndrome…. AHHHH LUPUS!!! Which brings me back to high school and that stupid vanity pill…
81mg a day of low dose aspirin gave me the opportunity to carry a pregnancy to term...Resulting in my healthy baby boy. I am very lucky that I did not need a more extensive anticoagulant therapy. I have read about women who have to give themselves daily blood thinner injections.
For years now I have googled the shiz-nit out of Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome... every time I Google it I find and learn so much more. It started out with one or two medical journals with information I didn't understand... I posted my experience in yahoo answers, hoping to find someone with similar experiences. A year or so later I got an IM from a mom in Nevada telling me about her “Lupus like reaction… and need of blood thinners”… today I found a whole website WITH A YOU TUBE CHANNEL!
You all must think I am so lame... but thinking you are one of two medical journal entries leaves you feeling very much a freak... 1 in 3,348,627,020! But today I found a You Tube channel... I have to tell you... I cried... like a nerd! A You Tube channel people… I can’t say it enough times!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sure I was bummed, I was looking forward to having a Kitchen Aide mixer... but didn't dwell on it ya know... I put it out of my mind...
Today my Grandma calls me and says she has a prize for me. I thought it was one of Elijah's toys he left at her house the day before... so I drive over there and she has this waiting for me
My very own...brand new... Kitchen Aide mixer! I cried... I was so surprised... I think that is the nicest thing anyone has done for me... and my husband who is excited for all the yummy things this mixer will help me make!
I went home and put it together...
Thank You Grandma...
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I would like to upgrade this giant broken body for the 2.0 version. If an upgrade is not available, I would like to exchange it for something similar, smaller, and that has less flaws. Thank You. Love Sarah
I gave you a larger size because I like you more. Have fun! , Love God
Friday, July 23, 2010
There are so many blogs blowing up about the new ACOG VBAC guidelines right now...
So many opinions... I just have to say that I am excited about another option. I should be allowed to try to avoid surgery if I want. I agree that the number one concern during child birth is safety of the Mother and Child... But I feel that Cesarean is offered to quickly. I completely understand that c-section is very necessary on many occasions, and to the option and knowledge of the cesarean, I am very thankful.
I was induced 3 weeks early... I honestly feel that if Dr. Skipitis (who was NOT my OB)had NOT taken me off the meds, (so he could sleep that night)that I would have progressed. I had to start the induction over twice. Being 3 weeks early I feel I needed more than 12 hours at a time to progress to active labor... I knew that I was going to have to have a c-section after he took me off the meds. I was sent home after 3 days of in-active labor. Labored at home for a week... then had a c-section. I was thrilled to have my son, so I didn't care how he arrived. I just was ecstatic to have a healthy pregnancy resulting in a very healthy baby.
Looking back, I used to wish I would have pitched a massive hormonal pregnant fit that night Skipitis took me off the meds... but now... now that TOLAC is available... I am more than excited to experience the awfulness of child birth! LOL! I just want to try... if I don't progress again... then so be it. I just want the opportunity!
I am curious as to if Mercy Medical Center is going to willingly offer the TOLAC... I know that if you drive down to Red Bluff that they do VBAC... but having such high risk pregnancies, I was seeing my OB weekly... I would not enjoy being giantly pregnant and having to drive to Red Bluff every week.
Now... I just have to wait and see when God gives me those two pink lines... waiting on God.......................
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Craziest dream by far....
I was working in a hospital as a MA, when this crazed Maniac was brought in. He looked similar to Manson, except oddly short. He was escorted by a police force because he had just murdered several people. He was handcuffed and... uh... footcuffed. He was brought in for a serious of flu vaccines. So an other MA and and myself were setting up vaccine trays when this crazed murderer grasped the other MA's undies and pulled them over her head... and when that happens in dream land, your head falls off. The crazy guy continues to chop off all the police peoples head with their undies... but I escape!
I RUN! The hospitals alarms are going off and all the doors were being quarantined. Then all of a sudden the crazed murderer was a zombie... and it was the end of the world... I am running, begging people to open a door so I can get away from the quarantined rooms and the zombies... I finally find a pharmacist who is escaping the quarantined rooms via trash shoot. He lets me escape with him. We are out of the quarantined area... only to be meet with chaos in the ER waiting room.
Everyone is afraid of the zombie flu so they are wanting the Zombie vaccine. I am terrified for my life so I try just walk out of the hospital. A cop stops me because I had yellow Zombie blood on my shoes. The cop was trying to bring me back in the hospital yelling... "you have to save us all! Give these people the vaccine!" ....
I was fighting the cop, trying to run away... when a Zombie on a tricycle road up and knocked over an old lady and started to eat her brain.
That is when I woke myself up... AH!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.
-Psalm 126, New International Version
Yesterday brought some peace to my heart... Today this peace has continued. Thank you God for bringing peace. I know it is a long journey, but I am thankful for the comfort right now.
Elijah is playing with his friends at my Mom's daycare today. Even though I enjoy the quiet I miss his crazy little bum! I think I am going to go pick him up early...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The past two months have brought into my life more trials and tribulations than most people face in a life-time. Daniel and I have waited on God... body, mind and soul for healing and comfort. Praise God for physical healing, just this last week I got a positive ending to the madness.
I am thankful to friends and my awesome family who have prayed and cried with us these last few months. Thank you for helping us with this emotional burden. God has blessed us with you!
During this healing process Daniel and I have been called "selfish"... I don't think some people realizes the severity of events that took place. This isn't to "brag" about how awful things have been. I am going to write in plain and simple terms and by no means do I want to gloat about the following. This is painful, but if I don't share, how can I expect people to understand?
Daniel and I had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months. I had to take piles of hormones that cost a pretty penny in order to get that positive pregnancy test in May. Shortly after the positive pregnancy test I had to take chemotherapy injections, twice, to kill the baby we tried so hard to create. It took 8 weeks to finally not be pregnant anymore. Now I don't even know when I will be emotionally ready to even think about getting pregnant again. I am terrified!!! I found out last week after a trip to the ER, that our insurance in canceled. We won't be able to afford anymore Dr. trips, so I am thankful that the chemo is over!
During our first family vacation (after being married almost 5 years) in June, Daniel was involved in a car accident. Del, Daniels dad, was driving. The car drove off the road, rolled a bunch of times and flipped head of tail several times. The cars roof was smashed to the floor board. There is no way they should have survived. Not knowing if my husband was alive was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Even now, thinking about that phone call makes my heart ache.
We were renting a house from a family friend. The first of June we got a notice saying the house was being auctioned at the end of the month. I ask our landlord... who is a life long family friend. She tells us that she had taken care of it and the house wasn't being auctioned. We spent the 4th of July weekend packing, trying to find a place to live and moving. Turns out friends lie. Daniel, Elijah and I are sharing a room in my Aunts house... Even though the room is a converted garage with no air conditioning, I am thankful to not be homeless.
I was watching that new movie "Remember Me"... all my friends told me how good of a movie it was. They told me how they just cried and cried at the ending. When I got done watching it I didn't cry... but then not crying made me cry. I felt robed of emotions. Like I am numb to empathy. That is not like me... I always felt like God gifted me with empathy towards others, even stupid sappy movies and Hallmark commercials... but now I feel like I have none.
Many of my friends have become pregnant and some even had their babies during this healing process. I am very embarrassed to admit this, but... my happiness level for each friend is based on a jealousy rating... How long they were trying to get pregnant, how many kids they already have... I feel secure in the fact that I know I am not alone in this evil jealousy rut. I hate this jealous feeling... I pray and ask God to take it away... I don't know how to just not be jealous. Someone please tell me!!! I crazy with this emotion! Like I need to go to some Jealousy Addiction Anonymous or something... Hi, my name is Sarah. I am a christian with a relationship with Christ. I am here because I am addicted to jealousy.
I can I not be jealous though... I feel like Daniel and I have to fight for every good thing in our lives. I feel like we can't enjoy anything... I feel like I have to fight for sanity every single morning. To make a effort to be thankful... If I don't praise God for the little things like a/c in the car or a ice cold Dr. Pepper or Elijah's addiction to Toy Story (without it I would not have a moment to myself)... my day would get very sad.
I feel like this blog is tacky... Like I am being gaudy and trashy or something. I am not the kind of person that likes to draw attention. I used to be... now I kinda just like to blend.... I would rather be ignored ya know... but when people I love tell me I am selfish after being in so much pain... it just hurts... and then it makes you think about all the bad things going on... and then those things hurts again. It is 3:30 in the morning, just in case you were wondering why this is sounding like a bunch of pity party ramblings.
Monday, June 28, 2010
I can't help but cry. I feel like I can't be honestly happy. Like I will forever feel anger an bitterness while others are happy for their new baby. I want these ugly emotions to disappear... I keep thinking "Just do it... just smile and then you will feel better and be happy"... So I try... but doesn't work that way. Tell me someone... how can I change the attitude of my heart?
My HCG levels are at a 94 as of last Wednesday... good news! Pain is still constant... but a inner ultrasound showed there is nothing there, more good news!
Took a bathroom break and had a good cry... came back, checked my email before finishing blogging, well actually I was just going to delete it... it was too sad and mopey... on my home page was a random horoscope. I don't follow my horoscope at all. I don't believe in it... I NEVER read it... however, I felt drawn to it... so I read it
"You need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. It's way too easy to get caught up in a never-ending cycle of worrying about what could have been, so make sure that you don't start that kind of thinking in the first place. Faith in yourself is the critical element to making sure that this situation comes out just right, so keep your spirits up!"
Geez God! You are so tricky... God speaking to me online in my horoscope... funny! It is all very honest... and true to how I feel... I feel like I am in a spiral of negativity. I feel like I can't control my emotions... God has faith in me... why don't I?
I still want to delete this... but I feel I should leave it. A testimony to God and his humor, trickiness, love, and devotion to us even in our ugliest state of heart.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
1) Elijah has two Grandpas and two Grandmas who love him unconditionally.
2) I married into a wonderful family that loves me
3) Joy has been brought into my families life in the form of a pink baby girl
4) Daniel is almost done with school, and is doing awesome with his class work
5) We have a working car that brings us to where we need to go
6) Elijah is a very healthy kid
7) We live in a great home that has a huge backyard... and we get to have pets!
8) My family is the first people I think about when I want to do something fun. I have such a good relationship with my parents and siblings.
9) Even though all the bills are due and their is never enough money to pay them all, we are happy.
10) I have a great husband that supports me in every way. He is a good Dad, and Elijah loves him so much!
For over 6 years now I have known I love Daniel. I knew he would make a good husband. I knew he would be a even better Daddy. He has surprised me time and time again with just how far he would go to show me his love for Elijah and me. I can't thank God enough for bringing him into my life.
It is so easy to forget why you chose your spouse. To get lost in the daily routine. To feel alone in trials of life. Last week God showed me just how much I did love Daniel. How much he meant to Elijah and me.
It happened so fast, that phone call should have been so much worse. Both Del and Daniel walked away with a little scratch each. Only needing a band aide! God is amazing! Eli and I need both those guys in our lives. Thank You God!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Then I thought about how I wouldn't have Elijah if I had my other babies too. This thought does comfort me... it doesn't make me love or miss them any less though. It does make me feel very grateful that I do have Eli. He is our miracle. This process has made me so much more appreciative of Gods grace, love, patience... and more appreciative of my Eli.
I do think that this process of grieving has been more emotional than normal for me because my body is still pregnant. I still have lots of pregnancy hormone going on in there. I cry about everything, I want to barf when I see someone eating chicken, I am tired, I have to pee every half hour... I feel like I am part of a sick joke... "your pregnant, but there is no baby"...
Grieving is normal though. I got many emails in addition to the comments posted on my last blog. People who don't grieve... people who don't take the time to cry... people who focus on others instead of themselves, are missing out on what God is doing in them. God created emotions. He celebrates when we call out to Him in sorrow because we are calling on Him. God doesn't love that we are sad... His heart breaks when we cry, but He loves when we bring the pain to Him... and how can we bring the pain to Him if we are always focusing on celebrating others?
I understand there is a time for everything... If you are constantly sad and feeling the need to grieve, then perhaps it would be best to seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with that. Christians are allowed to be depressed. Christians do have emotions, Christians get sad, Christians get mad... you Christian are normal for feeling! These are emotions God created.
I trust that God will heal my heart. I trust that God has more miracles in store for our life. I understand that there is more going on in life than me, and my broken heart. I see Gods grace, love, and mercy in my loss. I see God working miracles in the people around me... If I put on a happy face for others because it is the right thing to do, I would have missed out on the opportunity to get closer to God. My heart still hurts... I am still sad... I am still a little angry. That is the condition of my heart at the moment. I do know that God will heal me completely.
Update- second round of Chemo last Wednesday. HCG numbers are still rising. I see my OB this next Wednesday... pray that the HCG levels WILL DROP!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Boy it sure is hard to have a spirit of praise when life just stinks.
These last few weeks have left Daniel and I numb… and feeling alone despite our fantastic family. There is a sense of abandonment in pregnancy loss. When your doctor has no clue what is going on, then you kind of feel neglected. Like for some reason God forgot about you. The stages of grief and mourning randomly leave you paralyzed at the most incontinent times. Friends kind of become MIA. Online communities of other sad Mommies become your favorite websites.
Wallowing in the hardship is dangerous. I have to make a conscious effort every morning to get out of bed, to remember to smile, to remember that 99.9% of people have no idea the condition of my heart. And a few people (soul suckers) who do know, don’t care… I have to make a conscious effort NOT to punch other pregnant women in the face. To smile when they share their joys and blah blah blah. I have to make a conscious effort to smile and be excited when everyone talks about my niece who is almost here. I am hoping it gets easier and doesn’t take so much effort to be honestly happy. My mom says that this will all just be a sad memory. I am mad that I just can’t be happy. Why shouldn’t these other pregnant moms be happy and share their joy? Why do I have to be the soul sucker from the group?
Good news. HCG levels have dropped 7% and are now 3400ish. They need to go down an additional 8% by tomorrow late afternoon or I have to get another Chemo injection. I am happy, but fearful. "What if’s "are plaguing my thoughts…
Monday, May 31, 2010
What is this increasing pain. Why are my HCG levels STILL rising? Why won't God take this away from me. I want closure. I want to move on. I want my body to be able to heal so I can think about being pregnant again someday.
I have beg, pleaded, screamed and wept for God to let my body heal. I feel like I am fighting a hurricane. My body is still pregnant... even though there is absolutely no baby inside... anywhere.
WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! What is the point here God? What lesson to be learned? Do I really need to be this strong? What good can come from this? I am lost! So confused! I am terrified...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I thought my latest miscarriage experience was near an end, physically that is. Of course I will forever be emotionally haunted. Forever missing my babies. Today I went in for a post D&C check up. Hoping to get an "all clear"... really thinking things were going to get better. I felt fine, I felt awesome... I felt my heart healing.
My HCG count jumped to 2400 last night... it was only 900 the day of my D&C(over a week ago). They did an ultrasound and found nothing... nothing at all... nothing ANYWHERE... what the heck!
My OB sent me to Mercy to get the Chemo Methotrexate injection. They took more blood and had a rush done on the HCG count. It went up to 2860, just in 13 hours. I am so confused. The OB is certain it is an Ectopic, even though he can't see anything in the tubes, or anywhere else. The injection is making me so tired. My head hurts... it feels like it will explode.
If the HCG levels do not go down in a week I will have one more injection. If they are still not going down in 2 weeks then I will have to have the surgery. I am terrified! What if that is it for us. What if we can't get pregnant again!?
I feel like a failure. I can't even grow a baby. Something so natural, something so evolutionary. I have to endure pills, hormones, waiting, more pills, charting, truck loads of emotions that come out of the blue... This should be a happy experience. Why do I have to be terrified when those two pink lines appear. It is like my heart and mind are just use to the worst scenario. It took so long for good news, and now we are crushed.
I just want this to be over with. I am a mess... My heart hurts so bad. I understand this is just a short time in my life... a low valley for Daniel and I... but I can't see past the hurt.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
From this experience I have learned that miracles do happen, but I would have rather had to endure more waiting than to experience this feeling.
It seems life moves on even in the mist of my world shaking. Not that I want the world to know or need some sort of attention… I am having trouble just speaking to familiar faces and consoling in friends… It would be nice if time could pause without me… just so I could breath.
I feel defensive. I keep picking fights with people in my mind… Like maybe if they say the wrong thing I could lash out and belittle them with my words so that they can hurt too… because physical violence is just un-lady like.
I am angry… So many questions for God. So many people having babies right now… I need a vacation in a retirement community or something. Someplace without glowing bellies, someplace without Face Book sonogram updates, someplace without happy moms to be. Deep down it's not how I really feel, I know that... it's just not fair... and I am heartbroken.
Angry Blog… I want to kick and scream and I just need to be angry for a little bit…
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
There are so many things I don't want to do as a mother in raising my children! So many things I want to be able to promise and be responsible FOR doing! Being a preschool teacher I see all the in-justices parents do to their children... I always found myself saying "I WILL NEVER DO THAT!"
I don't want to be one of the moms that directs all the conversations and attention to my own child.
I will not leave my child with a babysitter or in childcare even though I have the day off and would like alone time (once in awhile is fine, sometimes moms just need a break)
I don't want to be one of those moms that brings her kid sick to play dates and child care just to "get a break from that sickly whiny kid"
I don't want to be one of those moms that makes games fair for everyone... if he doesn't make the team then it is a good lesson to try harder.
I want to instill good manors into my son. So many young children have a tenancy to talk back and question directions. It is rude.
I want my son to be able to appreciate all forms of art.
I want my son to be feel free to get muddy and messy. The best kind of fun is when your covered head to toe in muck!
So many things I have already said "forget it" with...
I promised I wouldn't allow my child to watch more than 30 minutes of TV a day... but without the DVD player I would not be able to pee, do the dishes or have a conversation with my husband.
I never wanted my son to eat junk food or have a bottle STILL at 19 months... I figure it is better than him screaming at me for 2 hours straight because he wants Mac n Cheese... so I compromise... make mac n cheese but hide carrots and squash puree in it.
I will NEVER co-sleep with my child... but after 9 days of no sleep... sleep deprivation causes ill rational choices that leave lasting bad habits! 19 months later a few nights a week I find myself crowded out of a bed.
I will NEVER put my son on a leash... I bought one at Walmart for $6... I figured I would rather other parents comment on how horrible of a mother I am for putting a child on a leash, rather than other parents comment on how horrible a mother I am for loosing my child...
I suppose that being a mother means you have to be flexible... Not being able to commit to these things doesn't mean I am a horrible person... I find moms don't give themselves enough credit. There are worse things you could be doing to your child.