Monday, June 28, 2010

What an odd God

Today I logged into facebook, only to be meet with new information two additional friends who are now expecting... Sure I am happy for them... At least I think I am... hmph... My heart is bitter and my attitude is no better. I spent over an hour waiting in the waiting room at my OB seeing other giant belly's walk in and out of the door.

I can't help but cry. I feel like I can't be honestly happy. Like I will forever feel anger an bitterness while others are happy for their new baby. I want these ugly emotions to disappear... I keep thinking "Just do it... just smile and then you will feel better and be happy"... So I try... but doesn't work that way. Tell me someone... how can I change the attitude of my heart?

My HCG levels are at a 94 as of last Wednesday... good news! Pain is still constant... but a inner ultrasound showed there is nothing there, more good news!

Took a bathroom break and had a good cry... came back, checked my email before finishing blogging, well actually I was just going to delete it... it was too sad and mopey... on my home page was a random horoscope. I don't follow my horoscope at all. I don't believe in it... I NEVER read it... however, I felt drawn to it... so I read it

"You need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. It's way too easy to get caught up in a never-ending cycle of worrying about what could have been, so make sure that you don't start that kind of thinking in the first place. Faith in yourself is the critical element to making sure that this situation comes out just right, so keep your spirits up!"

Geez God! You are so tricky... God speaking to me online in my horoscope... funny! It is all very honest... and true to how I feel... I feel like I am in a spiral of negativity. I feel like I can't control my emotions... God has faith in me... why don't I?

I still want to delete this... but I feel I should leave it. A testimony to God and his humor, trickiness, love, and devotion to us even in our ugliest state of heart.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Counting Blessings

This last week has given me the opportunity to honestly see the good things God has provided me in my life.

1) Elijah has two Grandpas and two Grandmas who love him unconditionally.
2) I married into a wonderful family that loves me
3) Joy has been brought into my families life in the form of a pink baby girl
4) Daniel is almost done with school, and is doing awesome with his class work
5) We have a working car that brings us to where we need to go
6) Elijah is a very healthy kid
7) We live in a great home that has a huge backyard... and we get to have pets!
8) My family is the first people I think about when I want to do something fun. I have such a good relationship with my parents and siblings.
9) Even though all the bills are due and their is never enough money to pay them all, we are happy.
10) I have a great husband that supports me in every way. He is a good Dad, and Elijah loves him so much!

For over 6 years now I have known I love Daniel. I knew he would make a good husband. I knew he would be a even better Daddy. He has surprised me time and time again with just how far he would go to show me his love for Elijah and me. I can't thank God enough for bringing him into my life.

It is so easy to forget why you chose your spouse. To get lost in the daily routine. To feel alone in trials of life. Last week God showed me just how much I did love Daniel. How much he meant to Elijah and me.

It happened so fast, that phone call should have been so much worse. Both Del and Daniel walked away with a little scratch each. Only needing a band aide! God is amazing! Eli and I need both those guys in our lives. Thank You God!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Many thoughts

Last night I was driving home with Elijah in the back seat. It was a real quiet night, he had fallen asleep so when I got home I just sat in the car and watched him sleep for awhile. Eli is a very active child, so rarely do I just get to look at him. He was just so beautiful there sleeping. It made me think about what my other babies would have looked like. Which made me think about how old they would be. Who would be almost out of a car seat and needing a booster seat. Who would have Daniels curly hair. I sat there for a few minutes and imagined them in the car with me. Spilling juice and making crumbs in the backseat... yelling "mom lets get out of the car we are home."

Then I thought about how I wouldn't have Elijah if I had my other babies too. This thought does comfort me... it doesn't make me love or miss them any less though. It does make me feel very grateful that I do have Eli. He is our miracle. This process has made me so much more appreciative of Gods grace, love, patience... and more appreciative of my Eli.

I do think that this process of grieving has been more emotional than normal for me because my body is still pregnant. I still have lots of pregnancy hormone going on in there. I cry about everything, I want to barf when I see someone eating chicken, I am tired, I have to pee every half hour... I feel like I am part of a sick joke... "your pregnant, but there is no baby"...

Grieving is normal though. I got many emails in addition to the comments posted on my last blog. People who don't grieve... people who don't take the time to cry... people who focus on others instead of themselves, are missing out on what God is doing in them. God created emotions. He celebrates when we call out to Him in sorrow because we are calling on Him. God doesn't love that we are sad... His heart breaks when we cry, but He loves when we bring the pain to Him... and how can we bring the pain to Him if we are always focusing on celebrating others?

I understand there is a time for everything... If you are constantly sad and feeling the need to grieve, then perhaps it would be best to seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with that. Christians are allowed to be depressed. Christians do have emotions, Christians get sad, Christians get mad... you Christian are normal for feeling! These are emotions God created.

I trust that God will heal my heart. I trust that God has more miracles in store for our life. I understand that there is more going on in life than me, and my broken heart. I see Gods grace, love, and mercy in my loss. I see God working miracles in the people around me... If I put on a happy face for others because it is the right thing to do, I would have missed out on the opportunity to get closer to God. My heart still hurts... I am still sad... I am still a little angry. That is the condition of my heart at the moment. I do know that God will heal me completely.

Update- second round of Chemo last Wednesday. HCG numbers are still rising. I see my OB this next Wednesday... pray that the HCG levels WILL DROP!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

In the end... good news!

Boy it sure is hard to have a spirit of praise when life just stinks.

These last few weeks have left Daniel and I numb… and feeling alone despite our fantastic family. There is a sense of abandonment in pregnancy loss. When your doctor has no clue what is going on, then you kind of feel neglected. Like for some reason God forgot about you. The stages of grief and mourning randomly leave you paralyzed at the most incontinent times. Friends kind of become MIA. Online communities of other sad Mommies become your favorite websites.

Wallowing in the hardship is dangerous. I have to make a conscious effort every morning to get out of bed, to remember to smile, to remember that 99.9% of people have no idea the condition of my heart. And a few people (soul suckers) who do know, don’t care… I have to make a conscious effort NOT to punch other pregnant women in the face. To smile when they share their joys and blah blah blah. I have to make a conscious effort to smile and be excited when everyone talks about my niece who is almost here. I am hoping it gets easier and doesn’t take so much effort to be honestly happy. My mom says that this will all just be a sad memory. I am mad that I just can’t be happy. Why shouldn’t these other pregnant moms be happy and share their joy? Why do I have to be the soul sucker from the group?

Good news. HCG levels have dropped 7% and are now 3400ish. They need to go down an additional 8% by tomorrow late afternoon or I have to get another Chemo injection. I am happy, but fearful. "What if’s "are plaguing my thoughts…