My mind has been drowned with too many thoughts. Conversations with myself. Worried. Money does not grow on trees. My mother told me so. The ATM card is not magic… I need guidance.
I am at a lose. I have no idea what to do…
Waiting on God.
………………………sigh… I get so impatient! Everything is perfect in Gods time… so I wait… I wait and I wait…. And wait…
And wait…
I try to listen-BUT--- those worried thoughts show up in that wrinkle on my forehead. I can't even buy Advil for the pounding headache that has been pestering me for a week straight now…
Turns out, I am overly qualified to work at a 'Loves' (gas station, truck stop… much like the Pilot in Redding.) I didn't know there were qualifications needed (or not needed) to hand rednecks their Auto Trader magazine and cans of Copenhagen... Go figure.
I feel like a bum… Like people are pointing at me saying "there she is! What a looser! " I hate looking for a job. I have gainfully been employeed for the last 10 years. At times I even held 3 jobs while taking a full load of classes at the college. I know how to work and get work, but I have never 'needed' a new job before… I am an expert with applications and interviews… but I hate sounding needy. Its pathetic. The only difference between me and the hobo with the "will work for food" sign is… well I dress nicer and smell better.
Begging for a job and trying to convince an employer you will be a vital asset to their company is such a humbling experience. It feels like you almost end up selling yourself to them, and when you don't make the sale you feel really self-conscious.
I don't think I have it in me to do another interview. I already have a huge complex about my work ethics. My best was not good enough, not even close. I have nothing more to give. I can't be a vital member to society. My hard work got me the title of "Lazy apathetic loser" And that is just sugar coating it.
I shouldn't talk about it though… I shouldn't talk about anything of substance. My thoughts, feelings, observations, frustrations and opinions should be kept inside my brain. Slowly killing me. Weighing me down. Creating paradoxes and mayhem in my head till I snap one day and attack those around me with harsh words and plastic forks. If you knew me at all you would already know I am a woman of great conviction, you may get offended.
I am outstandingly good at making others feel an inch tall… no it is not a gift… It comes from years of being the inch tall woman getting pushed around. Spending recess picking sand out of my hair or gum off the back of my neck.
Don't test me. I am a strong person.
And now that I have vented and complained. Tore myself apart. Got frustrated with God and being lost in His purpose…
I am ready to move on.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9
Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity of divine power. I have been stripped of all amenities.
The perfect environment to listen…
