Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Bitter Grace

Tuesday December 1, 2010... today I should have been 9 months pregnant, but my baby got lost on the way and is now in heaven.

Instead, I am 12 weeks pregnant today. God is notorious for turning ashes to beauty, but I can't help feeling depressed. I was suppose to be meeting my baby at the end of December... maybe even before Christmas! With that positive pregnancy test I daydreamed about buying Christmas presents for two children and spending New Years with our new miracle...

Daniel and I are ecstatic to be pregnant again... it is not that we wish to have the previous pregnancy over this pregnancy... in our dream world we wish we could have both! Reality, however, is being thankful for each day as it comes and taking nothing for granted.

Two months have past sense we found out we are pregnant again... and now I am 12 weeks already! I am so joyful... ... ... and

... I think I might punch the next person who lets me know "The scary part is over now"...

Pregnancies that are high risk due to clotting disorders become more "tricky" after 13 weeks. As the placenta takes over there is a higher risk of miscarriage or stillbirth. Clots in the placenta prevent oxygen and nutrients from getting to baby... and then their is a risk for premature labor due to pre-eclampsia... a risk of low weight babies because of the early labor or restricted oxygen during pregnancy... OR... there is the risk of GIANT babies because the anti-coagulant delivered too much oxygen and nutrients through the placenta. Blessed part about that is- More ultrasounds! At 18 weeks I will more than likely need one every other week to make sure baby IS getting enough but not too much nutrients and growing like he/she should.

For now I am focused on being 12 weeks...

At 12 weeks Baby Whipple is about the size of a plumb! About 2 inches long and weighs half an ounce! Baby is learning to open and close a fist... and to curl his/her toes.

We have been talking about the baby to Elijah, who continues to search my belly for him/her. He pokes my belly button and stares intently into it... obviously thinking the baby must be inside it. He is becoming more aware of babies around him and on T.V. I am thinking of getting him a baby doll for Christmas!

I find myself giving into daydreaming about having another baby. I have kept my heart so guarded till this point... not even really wanting to think of names. To which we have pretty much become settled on... but mums the word, for now at least!


  1. It's amazing the stupidity people can spout when they really have no clue. It amazes me how people can say things about losing babies or them being safe when they've never experienced a high risk pg. It doesn't matter if your 12 weeks or 38 weeks, there's always a worry with us high risk mommas. It's good you are optimistic and confident this beans is going to make it all the way to term.

  2. I just red your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am so very sorry for your losses. I myself have lost both of my children to miscarriage within 6 months of each other. I wish and pray all the best for you with your current pregnancy! <3 (((HUGS)))

  3. I found your blog from Faces of Loss. I know how you feel as someone pregnant after a loss and a wish that you could have both pregnancies and that it didn't sometimes feel like either or. Thanks for sharing.