The sole purpose of a blade of grass is to grow, and in doing so it brings glory to God.

My mind has been drowned with too many thoughts. Conversations with myself. Worried. Money does not grow on trees. My mother told me so. The ATM card is not magic… I need guidance.

I am at a lose. I have no idea what to do…

Waiting on God.

………………………sigh… I get so impatient! Everything is perfect in Gods time… so I wait… I wait and I wait…. And wait…

And wait…

I try to listen-BUT--- those worried thoughts show up in that wrinkle on my forehead. I can't even buy Advil for the pounding headache that has been pestering me for a week straight now…

Turns out, I am overly qualified to work at a 'Loves' (gas station, truck stop… much like the Pilot in Redding.) I didn't know there were qualifications needed (or not needed) to hand rednecks their Auto Trader magazine and cans of Copenhagen... Go figure.

I feel like a bum… Like people are pointing at me saying "there she is! What a looser! " I hate looking for a job. I have gainfully been employeed for the last 10 years. At times I even held 3 jobs while taking a full load of classes at the college. I know how to work and get work, but I have never 'needed' a new job before… I am an expert with applications and interviews… but I hate sounding needy. Its pathetic. The only difference between me and the hobo with the "will work for food" sign is… well I dress nicer and smell better.

Begging for a job and trying to convince an employer you will be a vital asset to their company is such a humbling experience. It feels like you almost end up selling yourself to them, and when you don't make the sale you feel really self-conscious.

I don't think I have it in me to do another interview. I already have a huge complex about my work ethics. My best was not good enough, not even close. I have nothing more to give. I can't be a vital member to society. My hard work got me the title of "Lazy apathetic loser" And that is just sugar coating it.

I shouldn't talk about it though… I shouldn't talk about anything of substance. My thoughts, feelings, observations, frustrations and opinions should be kept inside my brain. Slowly killing me. Weighing me down. Creating paradoxes and mayhem in my head till I snap one day and attack those around me with harsh words and plastic forks. If you knew me at all you would already know I am a woman of great conviction, you may get offended.

I am outstandingly good at making others feel an inch tall… no it is not a gift… It comes from years of being the inch tall woman getting pushed around. Spending recess picking sand out of my hair or gum off the back of my neck.

Don't test me. I am a strong person.

And now that I have vented and complained. Tore myself apart. Got frustrated with God and being lost in His purpose…

I am ready to move on.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9

Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity of divine power. I have been stripped of all amenities.

The perfect environment to listen…

I wonder if mycokerewards gives out prozac???

So… This lady comes in to tan today… "I have a problem…" she says… "I have my kid today… SIGH!"… She says…

It amazed me that even in this non-toxic, politically correct, plastic world; 'Barbie' is allowed to raise a child.

Today is not such a good day. I am missing people who are actually nice. People who are genuine in love and friendship. People who actually take an interest in others wants, needs and feelings.

So far, my opinion of Arizona people is not a very nice one. The people I have come in contact with are lame. They are rude and unimaginative. The women are clones of one another. All sporting implants and designer replica handbags. They are fake, backstabbing wannabees. I am about done with the girls I work with (most of them anyways…). I don't understand how a single person can be so mean, so unwelcoming, so down right evil. And she knows nothing about me. I am about ready to hang up my smile and become that person she makes me out to be.

I miss my support system. I miss my real friends. I know God will provide all my needs. Even my need for a shopping buddy. I have full faith in Him… but… I don't understand… countless prayers and I am still left grabbing coffee alone…

I feel so lame being such a drama queen/ cry baby… I didn't understand the full importance of friendships till I moved so far away from all those friends… I love you all and am very thankful for everything you bring to our relationship. You are all so important to me. I am thankful for you!

I am depressed… and I have given in to the comfort of Oreos… which makes my jeans feel snug… which makes me more depressed… it's a vicious cycle… I blame the Keebler elves!

only moth balls

I ran out of pennies for the fountain of youth. My pockets are bare, my wallet is full of receipts only... while stuck in traffic today I realized I am well into this game of Chess (I will always remember that conversation Amy Marie...)... Perhaps the reason I don't feel so sexy and young is because my daily routines are just that... routines... nothing new... nothing exciting... I have adapted...

Proof I am aging to 'old'-

My now social life revolves around CSI every week

I wear socks to bed now

I didn't know what an 'Alien urine sample' was till last week

I have found myself chewing Tums several times a day

I now understand the practicality of the mini van

I am limited to drinking caffeine only before 4pm

The number of people who recognize my 'Sublime' and 'Reel Big Fish' ring tones are few to none

We only go out to dinner with coupons and/or when drinks and appetizers are half off.

I am counting calories

I leave the house with sufficient time to get to my destination

I am obsessed with HGTV

I play the game of seeing how many days I can go before busting out the razor

I do all my laundry (even the bed sheets) on a weekly basis

I buy cards to send to my friends and family for every holiday

I am terrified of new drivers

I found myself counting my brown spots (too much sun!) the other morning

I actually ironed clothes for a wedding two weeks ago

I have no qualms about waking up before 6am anymore

I read the TV Guide

I carry around a toilet seat cover in my purse

---shakes head, stares at the floor and shuffles back to bed...

Confetti and piñatas

Today is my super special day and for some reason I just can't get all jazzed up. I could list pages and pages with sob stories and guilt trips, but what is the point… seriously… I feel like such a cry baby… gah… It is just another day… much like yesterday and tomorrow. We aren't doing anything. It is honestly no big deal. Sometimes when you're learning to be a grown up you have to give up certain childhood events, like confetti and piñatas.

"You are becoming what you already are" has been on my mind for the last few weeks. A fortune from a cookie my freshman year of high school. Funny how I remember, it must have had an impact of some sort. What do you make of it?

Geez I am starting to feel old. I had a list of things I wanted to do before I am 25. One more year till the deadline and have only accomplished one thing. Maybe I should scratch the list completely, or push the deadline back a few years.

Daniel and I are going to start looking at apartments. We REALLY do NOT want to rent again, but some things are inevitable. Maybe its karma for all the mean things I do to the people I can't stand… like my brother in laws girlfriend… being evil does feel so good though… (Snickers and laughs)….Having an accomplices makes it much more exciting, you can share the joy of what you sow… I miss you Amykins lala…

Ok so I should get ready for work… xoxoxoxoxoxo

target practice---aiming for your face---

Things I don't understand

Corduroy Pants and the color 'mustard' yellow.

Something from the pit of hell must possess a person who chooses to wear blue corduroy pants and a yellow mustard tube top. It is wrong on several different levels. Don't do it! If you choose to sport this attire, I will kick you in the shin!

Constant victims and people who look for permission.

I don't come to you and confess my every sin. I don't ask you for permission to do things that might make my conscious weary. When all is said and done, when all that's left is a single "amen", THEN spill your guts out to the big guy… now leave me alone!

Slackers and Overachievers

Do your job and don't make more work for me! Remember, do just your job. Don't make me look bad by doing my jobs as well.

Sunny Delight

This is NOT orange juice. It has the same about of sugar as soda pop.

People who don't wash their hands after they use the restroom.

This is gross! Plain and simple! I live with a pair who (not only have no bathroom etiquette) spread their nasty germs all over the house by not washing their hands. They wonder why I hate them… common sense here people… COME ON! If you subject me to your diseases and germs, then OF COURSE I am going to throw things at your and laugh at your lameness!

Grown men still obsessed with Marvel Comics.

Typically these men have higher IQ's then the general public, but lack the ability to socialize. Again… common sense would fix their problem of "feeling alone". Put down the comic, sell it on EBay. Buy a new wardrobe (not consisting of Aqua Teen Hunger Force tee's or band shirts from Hot Topic {just don't purchase any clothing from Hot Topic, your not cool enough to pull it off yet}), take a shower (greasy long hair wasn't attractive in the past and it is still considered tacky) and hit the sports bar.

This will save you pain and heartache in the future (when you end up married to that girl). She won't let you wear that shirt in public (she will more than likely burn it). Your comic books and/or action figures will end up in a box marked 'free' in the garage sell… so give yourself a head start and GROW UP!

God

This one is pretty much self explanatory.

Pretty much that is all for now…