Friday, November 10, 2006

spending too much time inside my thoughts

So I am at work. It has been a extremely slow day. Which is normal. The Salon doesn't get much business in the mornings, so I am left cleaning the same things everyday. Sweep and mop the floors. Wash the walls. Dust the shelves, organize the product, wash and dry then fold the towels. Clean the air conditioning vents. Wash the windows inside and out. Wash the floor boards, wash the doors, clean the blades of the fans in every room… anything to keep busy… it gets real old, real fast. I seem to tune the radio out after only 3 hours of being at work.

So I am left with silence, which I have found to be dangerous. Self-pity and "would have beens" are kept fresh on my mind. I have discovered that a break up of two friends is much like the break up of love relationships. You are left hurt and feeling alone. First blaming the other party and hating the feeling of being "took". Going to friends and family looking for comfort and rationalization that you are in the right. After that feeling subsides, you wonder if you are the one to blame. What did 'I' do wrong? Feeling guilty for hurting the other party. Thinking you are incapable of keeping true friends, almost hating yourself. Then I remember what had happened. The very start of 'end'. I remember what kind of person the other party was, how she acted, the people she fooled. I didn't have to lie to my friends and family to make them "take my side"… I have to remember that I did love her, she was my best friend. She is in almost half of my wedding pictures, I valued her friendship, admired her talents, and loved doing nothing with her. I have to remember that she was the one that decided she didn't need me. She never did feel the same about me. She is a survivor and that is what she was doing.," Surviving". She used me and every member of my family to survive. When we could no longer support her she had to move on. To rely on someone else to take care of her.

I am not writing this to "get revenge". This is more for me to sort things out. I do need advice on how to heal this wound. How do I make it go away?

On a more positive note… Daniel finally got a call for a job that he has been wanting… It is really exciting for us… hopefully by next month we can be in our own home. Yea! Then I can have my computer up and I can download my pictures and just feel better… I do miss my computer… funny how attached I feel to it… really sad…

I really hate this heat… it is November. It should be cold outside, not 90 degrees! Crystina wrote a new blog this week. She has already decorated her house for Christmas. Insane… but that's Crystina… she cracks me up!

I am really bored here at work… just bored, bored bored… perhaps I should go back to cleaning…

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