Ectopic Confessions

Meet, Kellen Lee Whipple

The day after my surgery, my doctor had told me he had gotten a few pictures of the baby. I waited anxiously for two weeks to receive the pictures. I had no clue what I was going to see... In my mind I pictured a small baby... with arms and legs. At 8 weeks, the baby would be moving his/her arms and legs... he/she would have taste buds as well as every major organ. There is nothing precious or sweet about this picture... but in this picture is a very small person... this is my baby! 

I debated whether or not to share this photo... it is so personal... and raw. I was anxious to see the picture... I was scared about how I was going to feel. So I searched online for pictures of ectopic pregnancies... and found few... I wish their had been more. I don't like surprises at all... I wish I would have had an idea of what I was going to see... thus helping me decided to share this. This is my ectopic pregnancy and left tube removal at 8 weeks, after D&C and laparoscopy... (helping Google sort and list this blog) 

I have been dealing with grief insomnia for weeks now. In the quiet of the night my mind wanders... what-ifs and guilt plague my thoughts. 

What really gets me... what really just pains my soul, is being apart from my babies. I am so head over heals in love with my children... all of them. My heart beats for them... and to have to spend a life-time without them takes my breath away... it is literally hard to breath. 

This is nothing new... after each loss, I experience a tremendous amount of anxiety... but in time, I find myself functioning more and more... being able to see friends and spend time in non baby related thoughts. However, with each loss I would find myself deeper in this dark place... naturally mourning every single loss over again. 

Daniel and I have been relying heavily on each other as well as God for comfort. He is our refuge and our strength. In the nights I would lay awake with the darkness of my soul,  I would close my eyes and picture myself resting in the arms of God. I felt His presence... and my breathing would slow... every anxiety would leave... I would slowly drift off to sleep. A friend of mine had commented on my last blog... and what she said brought me tears of joy... and relief. She told me how God was holding my precious baby... something I had thought of before... you always imagine your angel baby being loved on by God. But thinking of God holding my baby... my babies... and God holding me as well. In the quiet of the night, when I am resting in the arms of my Lord and Savior, I am close to my babies too.