Monday night I woke up with some pretty intense pain on my lower left side... more then just cramping... the pain was something fierce... not normal.
Tuesday Daniel and I went in to my OBGYN office to get the results of the blood test I had done the previous day.
We were praying my HCG level went down. The reason for the blood test, even though I my Doctor said we had miscarried, was to make sure the HCG levels were going down... if they were not going down, there was going to be concern of another ectopic pregnancy. (read here for previous ectopic experience)
We were told that my HCG level rose to 825, from 760 before the weekend. In a normal pregnancy, the HCG should have more then doubled over the weekend. So even though the hormone level was rising, the pregnancy was not normal or healthy. I tell the doctor about the pain. He gets concerned.
We wait for over an hour in the room... waiting for my doctor to get a few other opinions on what to do... Not sure if a laparoscopy should happen... or a dose of methotrexate (which is what we did for the previous ectopic). I was thinking that maybe we would do the methotrexate... maybe... if we were to do anything at all.
We start with another ultrasound... where nothing was found... again. I don't know why, but I just had this hope when we were walking to the ultrasound room. I imagined the ultrasound tech saying "and there is your baby right there" and Doctor Perry saying "a miracle".
We leave with admitting orders to the hospital. D&C at 8pm... laparoscopy with possible laparectomy after that.
I didn't really have time to process. I had to get home and get the kids packed... get myself packed and showered. I had to run to the grocery store and get Ana formula... my mind was total chaos.
We get to the hospital and even though I had admitting orders... I had NO BED... they tried to put me in the pediatric department. At first I thought "ok, no biggy"... but when I got there, my heart felt so heavy. Why would they give a women going though a pregnancy loss, a room surrounded by children and babies? Terribly cruel.
Daniel got them to give me a different room... that I shared with another women... who had an obsession with sucking on KFC chicken bones. It was disgusting.... anyways...
My Mommy comes up to wait with us while we are in the room before surgery. The waiting seems to take a lifetime.
I get an IV, some compression stockings to prevent a DVT, a hair net... some bright orange socks with rubber on the bottom... I felt like a Transformer or something.
Finally I give hugs and kisses and go into surgery. Only a few seconds seem to pass and then I am awake in a different room. For some reason I am screaming and crying... then I realize I am in horrendous pain... this is the worst pain I have ever been in... I start to vomit... I hear some guy talking to me. Trying to tell me something... it is important, but I can't hear him. I pray "Dear Jesus make it stop"... a nurse comes over and shoots some magic drugs in my IV. Almost instantly reality comes back. The crazy leaves... the pain subsides.
The guy starts talking again. "Sarah, your surgery went well. Your left tube was removed because the baby had punctured it. The baby seemed to be 6-8 weeks old. I am so sorry".
Numb... I start asking for Daniel... they keep telling me I have to wait.
Finally I get rolled back to my room, and I FINALLY get to be with Daniel. He only has time to tell me what the doctor told him. I share with him how much pain I am in. Then he has to leave because it is past visiting hours.
I felt so alone. I am so tired but I can't sleep. I tried to process the information I was given." The baby was with me all this time. They took it tonight. They took my tube tonight. I have one tube left. My baby was with me all this time. I have only one tube now. My baby was with me but is now gone. One tube." My thoughts are interrupted by the room-mate flipping the TV channels.
I try to sleep. but the room-mate is loud and obnoxious. I give up on sleep once the sun starts to come up... I watch some Downton Abbey on my Kindle... I surprise myself at how un-emotional I am. I attribute it to the pain killers. Everything is just so numb. When they wear off the pain is un-bearable... but I find myself sad... able to sort out these emotions.
I was discharged around noon. Daniel took me home... he hadn't slept all night either. We share a few moments. We cried and just were silent together for a long time. We are tired on so many levels.
This was a long and dull blog... its the pain killers.
We could really use prayer... and encouraging words... positive thoughts.