Its because I wear clean undies

So… Friday I left work early to head on up to Mercy… no it was nothing horribly serious. My back was killing me so early that day I called my doc. But he wasn't in the office so the nurse told me just to go to the hospital. I really didn't want to… it was just a back-ach… I was off work for two weeks because of my Sciatica nerve or what not… and so last week I went back to work and it just about killed me…

So… I was a loser and went to the hospital and got admitted so that my doctor would have to come see me… and he did… then he sent this ultra creepy bone guy to move my bones… and move the baby… and put my leg ball thing back in place (I didn't know it was not where it was suppose to be) … and he pulled my leg, which made me want to kick him … but then I felt super!

So now I am on maternity leave… and have… oh… just 100 days left… only 3 months… 3 months of insanity…

The best thing about maternity leave is the disability check you get every week… a whole $40... It is just super…

Who can survive off $40 a week??? Honestly???

So I went down to social services to see if we can get some sort of assistance… I figured we could get a little somethin somethin… We can't just live off one income, it just doesn't work out that way…

But apparently because we don't meet some sort of guideline (I was thinking that not enough money to pay all the bills would be enough) or because we have all of our teeth and a shoe on each foot, we can't even get a smile out of them.

I wasn't looking to be total white trash. I just wanted food in my fridge…

This is why people revert to criminal activities.

I know that God will provide all we need. I need to trust Him… but… I am just so frustrated. I could go back to work I suppose… but there is nothing worse that being in so much pain and having to smile and care for 15 toddlers. It gets to the point where you just want to tell them to go far away… leave me alone… go play…get out of my face…

Sigh… I am not that mean… honestly…

Long Overdue

Sometimes I wish we could still be friends.

You broke my heart but I can't even remember the hurt.

I just think of all the good times and sigh... and good times they were.

I know I was stupid, I had much to learn and I am sure you can say the same.

Things change, people change but pictures and memories stay the same... and I do have many pictures that show girls not being very tame.

I don't know why I threw it all away.

Life was crazy during those autumn days... under pressure, but it was only just a faze.

I say I have forgiven you, but I can't even remember what the forgiveness was for.

You were the more passionate one that gave much thought to things with your heart. I was hasty, irrational and always thought with my head, never my heart.

The built up tension that led us to be strangers was the result of silence. We needed to talk more. We both don't let people in.

Anyways... I still think of you often, more like every day. You were a piece of me that will always stay. The twin pea in my pod. My matching plaid sock.

Baby Journal #2

June 7,2008

Daddy and I are not sure what to name you. We each have a name, but can't seem to agree. I am just worried it won't be perfect for you. Your middle name will be Ray after your great grandpa Ray. Daddies grandpa. I never got to meet him, but I have heard he was a neat man.

Only 16 weeks left... not even 16 weeks!!! I feel a bit overwhelmed. I am stuck on "Things being pefect for you" I freak out when the house isn't clean or when dishes are in the sink. Right now it is the car... it is a mess... It makes me laugh inside a little. As if you were, right now, to walk into the house saying "geez ma this place is a pig pen" Being pregnat makes a person crazy. Alls your daddy can say is... "calm down"... I do feel bad for him.

It is getting harder to fall asleep and stay asleep. You tend to be a wiggle worm at night and you are growing so fast I feel it. And it hurts a great deal. I am pretty sure you are going to be a moose.

Baby Journal

I am keeping a written journal of the on goings on my pregnancy and thought perhaps I should myspace blog them as well... just for you my friends... As I write I am writting to the baby... FYI...

June 5, 2008

Last night I was laying on the couch watching T.V. Your daddy came over and layed his head on my stomach and said "hi Baby"... You kicked so hard I thought you were going to kick through me. You seem to be more active after daddy gets home. As if you are excited to hear his voice... I can image you yelling "Lets play daddy". You also get excited when you hear other children playing... I think your going to be a wild one. Grandma wants to feel you move or kick so she talks to you and pokes at my belly, but you won't move for her.

Pregzilla

I am exhausted… that just about sums up my life right now. 5am comes early after waiting up for Daniel to get off work just to spend five whole minutes with him. The time I do spend with him is mostly spent being crazy. I have turned into a nut case. I feel like a giant Kraken from the sea. Pregzilla!!!!!!!!

I honestly don't ask for much in life… but when alls I want is a blue slurpie, by golly you would think I was asking for a pineapple flavored pretzel or calorie free cheesecake… seriously! We drive all over town with no success… sigh… this was a few days ago, and I still really really want a blue slurpie.

SO------ I am 17 weeks, that is just over 4 months. I feel it has been a lifetime so far!!! I do feel the baby move and wiggle, but not often. I am hoping that means it will be a laid back kind of kid. Like Daniel… not wild and obnoxious like me. They say at 17 weeks the baby is as big as your hand stretched out or a big pinecone… I say its that big with a giant bowling ball for a head. And it gets worse they tell me… super…

I have been to the baby doctor at least once a week for the last 3 months. I am not a hypochondriac... I swear. It just seems like every thing in the "What to expect when your expecting" book applies to me. You know the statistic "one in a million"… I am that 1... Woooooo…. My doctor gave me vicodein to deal with the pain. That just seems wrong to me. But a few people have told me their doc gave them the same… so…

Oh my gosh!!!! So my mom took me shopping in Chico for my birthday last week… We had lunch at the BK lounge (Burger King) and about an hour later I was a huge!!! Like the girl from Willy Wonka!!!! So… no more eating out like a Fatty McFat Fat… I guess its better that way. Not like I was a fast food junkie. I haven't even gained that much in the last four months… really! Only 8 pounds… crazy I know! I feel like its more. Its not cause I've been pukie either… I have only prayed to the porcelain gods a few times, mostly because of migraines…

I still want a blue slurpie……………………………

We need to move… darn Gypsy soul… I think if I had my own space I would be less crazy. Which would be a good thing… I get so frustrated when I feel like I am being un reasonable, which in turn makes me even more nuts… when will it end………………

No, I do not know what the baby is yet. I think it is a boy… I will find out next month

So that is all for now…