Fun while it lasted

Sometimes it is really hard not to be mad at God. I honestly can not figure out why he lets things happen. You spend your whole life dreaming of a specific moment. Then it arrives, and you make plans to change your whole world. You daydream and fantasies. This will become your purpose.

Its like he creates this completely wonderful miracle just to take it away. Almost as if it were a sick game. A cheap shot… a low blow… and your left speechless

But I know that's not his style. There is a purpose for everything. "To everything there is a season; a time and purpose under heaven." (ecc 3:1) I should use this time of brokenness to draw closer to Him. I should let Him mend my tired heart. I should work on that…

I have become a hermit. I don't feel like even getting out of bed much. I hate my cell. I hate getting online. Don't be offended friends I have come to ignore… its so not you. I have become ultra lame. I am hoping it's a short faze soon to pass. Give me time, I will call shortly. I just don't feel like explaining myself just yet. I do love you all like crazy…

I am so done with living in Arizona. If I had pennies to save I would save them to move back… sigh

Its a Verb

Can a Jr. higher be "in love"? Do they have the mental capability to know what love really is?

Who am I to say they don't love their significant other?

Do any of us really fully understand love? Real love. The kind of love Christ has for us. A great romance or sorts.

My second biggest pet peeve is people who label their emotions too quickly as "being in love". They mistake this desire for another person as love, when it is only just an infatuation with being wanted.

love is self sacrifice, and an action word. A feeling of devotion... something that develops over time...

Infatuation is object of extravagant, like a short-lived passion... puppy love... love at first sight...

most people don't know what true love is... we say "I love this restaurant!" "I love CSI" "I love Cheetos" " I love chocolate" "I love my Prada hand bag"

True love seems to have gotten lost...

The sole purpose of a blade of grass is to grow, and in doing so it brings glory to God.

My mind has been drowned with too many thoughts. Conversations with myself. Worried. Money does not grow on trees. My mother told me so. The ATM card is not magic… I need guidance.

I am at a lose. I have no idea what to do…

Waiting on God.

………………………sigh… I get so impatient! Everything is perfect in Gods time… so I wait… I wait and I wait…. And wait…

And wait…

I try to listen-BUT--- those worried thoughts show up in that wrinkle on my forehead. I can't even buy Advil for the pounding headache that has been pestering me for a week straight now…

Turns out, I am overly qualified to work at a 'Loves' (gas station, truck stop… much like the Pilot in Redding.) I didn't know there were qualifications needed (or not needed) to hand rednecks their Auto Trader magazine and cans of Copenhagen... Go figure.

I feel like a bum… Like people are pointing at me saying "there she is! What a looser! " I hate looking for a job. I have gainfully been employeed for the last 10 years. At times I even held 3 jobs while taking a full load of classes at the college. I know how to work and get work, but I have never 'needed' a new job before… I am an expert with applications and interviews… but I hate sounding needy. Its pathetic. The only difference between me and the hobo with the "will work for food" sign is… well I dress nicer and smell better.

Begging for a job and trying to convince an employer you will be a vital asset to their company is such a humbling experience. It feels like you almost end up selling yourself to them, and when you don't make the sale you feel really self-conscious.

I don't think I have it in me to do another interview. I already have a huge complex about my work ethics. My best was not good enough, not even close. I have nothing more to give. I can't be a vital member to society. My hard work got me the title of "Lazy apathetic loser" And that is just sugar coating it.

I shouldn't talk about it though… I shouldn't talk about anything of substance. My thoughts, feelings, observations, frustrations and opinions should be kept inside my brain. Slowly killing me. Weighing me down. Creating paradoxes and mayhem in my head till I snap one day and attack those around me with harsh words and plastic forks. If you knew me at all you would already know I am a woman of great conviction, you may get offended.

I am outstandingly good at making others feel an inch tall… no it is not a gift… It comes from years of being the inch tall woman getting pushed around. Spending recess picking sand out of my hair or gum off the back of my neck.

Don't test me. I am a strong person.

And now that I have vented and complained. Tore myself apart. Got frustrated with God and being lost in His purpose…

I am ready to move on.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9

Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity of divine power. I have been stripped of all amenities.

The perfect environment to listen…

I wonder if mycokerewards gives out prozac???

So… This lady comes in to tan today… "I have a problem…" she says… "I have my kid today… SIGH!"… She says…

It amazed me that even in this non-toxic, politically correct, plastic world; 'Barbie' is allowed to raise a child.

Today is not such a good day. I am missing people who are actually nice. People who are genuine in love and friendship. People who actually take an interest in others wants, needs and feelings.

So far, my opinion of Arizona people is not a very nice one. The people I have come in contact with are lame. They are rude and unimaginative. The women are clones of one another. All sporting implants and designer replica handbags. They are fake, backstabbing wannabees. I am about done with the girls I work with (most of them anyways…). I don't understand how a single person can be so mean, so unwelcoming, so down right evil. And she knows nothing about me. I am about ready to hang up my smile and become that person she makes me out to be.

I miss my support system. I miss my real friends. I know God will provide all my needs. Even my need for a shopping buddy. I have full faith in Him… but… I don't understand… countless prayers and I am still left grabbing coffee alone…

I feel so lame being such a drama queen/ cry baby… I didn't understand the full importance of friendships till I moved so far away from all those friends… I love you all and am very thankful for everything you bring to our relationship. You are all so important to me. I am thankful for you!

I am depressed… and I have given in to the comfort of Oreos… which makes my jeans feel snug… which makes me more depressed… it's a vicious cycle… I blame the Keebler elves!

only moth balls

I ran out of pennies for the fountain of youth. My pockets are bare, my wallet is full of receipts only... while stuck in traffic today I realized I am well into this game of Chess (I will always remember that conversation Amy Marie...)... Perhaps the reason I don't feel so sexy and young is because my daily routines are just that... routines... nothing new... nothing exciting... I have adapted...

Proof I am aging to 'old'-

My now social life revolves around CSI every week

I wear socks to bed now

I didn't know what an 'Alien urine sample' was till last week

I have found myself chewing Tums several times a day

I now understand the practicality of the mini van

I am limited to drinking caffeine only before 4pm

The number of people who recognize my 'Sublime' and 'Reel Big Fish' ring tones are few to none

We only go out to dinner with coupons and/or when drinks and appetizers are half off.

I am counting calories

I leave the house with sufficient time to get to my destination

I am obsessed with HGTV

I play the game of seeing how many days I can go before busting out the razor

I do all my laundry (even the bed sheets) on a weekly basis

I buy cards to send to my friends and family for every holiday

I am terrified of new drivers

I found myself counting my brown spots (too much sun!) the other morning

I actually ironed clothes for a wedding two weeks ago

I have no qualms about waking up before 6am anymore

I read the TV Guide

I carry around a toilet seat cover in my purse

---shakes head, stares at the floor and shuffles back to bed...