Friday, May 27, 2005

just want to go away

Easter has never been the same since my gramie sold her farm. I never have liked it since. In fact I kinda dread it. I dont like change and when change does happen it takes awhile for me to get used to it. Really lame, I know. This Easter I spent time with my family (like I have done ever year of my life) cept this time I brought my boyfriend and best gal friend with me. (I needed backup incase my mom went bipolar again) We all went to church then to my aunt marcies house... I thought it was gonna be alot worse then it really was. (no one in the family really likes haning out with the people that hosted Easter dinner this year). I would have rathered stayed home then go to Easter dinner this year. Thats really sad I know, but I feel like I have growen apart from my family. The kinda life I have chosen to live doesnt exactly fit in with the kinda life they see as acceptable. I am not a horrible person. They would have told me so otherwise, but I feel like I am constantly being judged and will never meet the standerds they have set for me. A few weeks ago my parents found my old 'myspace' page. It was full of things that I used to do and by reading it one would think that I was a very angry person that I was living a life full of sin and shame. (as my mother would put it). Kinda odd for me to be attracted to a life of parties and boys and "unholy" things. Growing up I was a very Godly woman, always going to church trying to convert unchurched people to Christ. I was very adamit about Jesus and his Ministry and making it my ministry. I was always in church, going to every event they had. At one point in high school I even wanted to be a Missionary in Japan. Choising that life made me an outcast in Jr. High and High School. I was the one that everyone made fun of. The more I spoke of God and Church, the more vulger the boys would act around me, just to make me turn red. I was like the girl on "A Walk to Remember" cept 10x WORSE! neways... I hated it... After I moved out of my parents house I decided it was time for a makeover... I threw away all my church upbringing and disapline. I got a hot car (2001 red convertable mustang with leather and killer sound system), sexy cothes, bad temper, saliors mouth, and no regard for anyone else. I wanted to be the girl all guys wanted and the girl all other girls hated. Thats what I became... I commanded any room I walked into, I could drink any guy under the table, I could get any guy I wanted. It was really an easy transformation... I guess I always had that girl inside me somewhere... then things started going down hill... I became a dream girl... I guess... but dreams dont last long... I got really sick from not eating, now I cant go without eating for more then a few hours. I had to sell my car, I couldnt afford to keep getting it fixed. I cant drink... it makes me sick (thats not a bad thing though...) But most importantly... I lost the respect and trust of my family... thats the whole point of this blog I guess... I know a person can outgrow their friends... but can a person outgrow a family? It breaks my heart thinking of it, and I cant help but cry. These last few weeks have been very very emotional. I can tell my parents I am not that girl anymore, Ive changed... really and truly I have. I am not that crazy party girl anymore (cant belive I am going to admit this... but...)I love going to church, infact I really desire it (not the church they go to though, but like I said... I dont like change and dont wanna go to any other church)... I could tell them, but they wouldnt really belive me. They would always have a doubt. When I look at my mom I see heartbreak in her eyes, I broke my moms heart, and the sad thing is... I dont have any regrets with any choice I have made in my life... Is that horrible? Sometimes I want to just move away... I know I will never "fit in" the same way I used to with my family. It would be alot easier to live my own life if I didnt have the people I love most juding me on every move I make. I know they love and they say the want the best for me, but what they want and what I want are two different things. So ya... Ya'all probally are like... OMG... this girl has issues, but oh well... ya'all are the one that wasted your time in reading it... so... blah...

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