yo fellas, play the melody

Is there more than this? How can it get better when it has just gotten worse? Every step was taken to make it easier, but it has sunk rock bottom. Hard work has left me exhausted, and has yet to pay off. The good guy never gets a break. I am not happy. In fact, I think I am depressed... A college education is just crap, no one cares if you have a bacholars in Liberal Arts. Every job in the paper requires you have two years experience... How the heck can someone get two years if no one gives them a chance... All the stupid people ahead of me screwed up and left employers pissed off. Now they don't trust anyone...

I work hard... very hard... and learn fast... Im smart... but no one belives me... Raleys is fine... Its hard physical work, and someday... soon... I want kids, and that job won't do... you can't be prego and collect carts in the 110 degree heat... It seems all the employees have relationship issues, and I think it is because they never get to spend time with their partner... It seems Raleys ruins familys... they have all been devorsed several times, and have no friends, exect eachother... one lady told me the only time she sees her husband is on the freeway, he is driving home from work, and she is driving too work...

Being married is tuff work in itself... I am still learning... and I love my family, but these long odd shifts are making me a stranger to my little brother and sister... I don't think I can handle much more ... My house is a disaster and I am just too tired to do anything about it...

Raleys bennifits are awesome though! They are in the top 19f the nation, even if you are part time... I like that, it is very intising...I have soooo many stinken problems with my health, and this is almost an answer to pray... but... then there is the whole not being happy thing... I don't know what is better...

Next month I am suppose to go to a Kid Rock concert with two of my very best girl friends... I am not sure if that is going to happen... They want to repo my car... and truck... and turn off our electricity... and take away the tv we bought last month...

Daniel took me on a mini date tonight... It was fun... we went to a little hole in the wall mexican resturant... It was loud and busy... really fun...

It seems stupid to be depressed over lame things like that... so many people are hurting and dying all over the... I have nice things, and a loving husband. My family loves and supports me, I have a job, a fridge full of food, two crazy cats, amazing friends... My life is good... really good... but I just want to cry, it feels like my whole body is broken... I want to be happy again... I want life to rewind, maybe I can change something I did and It will turn out better...

So I am pretty exited about some movies comming out... First I heard about Transformers... that just stoked me... then today I heard about Beerfest... and that just sent me over the edge! I just love Broken Lizard...

I also love my new hair cut... it makes me feel sexy... kinda... I keep getting in trouble at work cause of it though... My hair falls in my face, and I guess it is against dress code. All hair needs to be away from the face, and pulled back... but when it is 110 degrees plus with humidity my hair kinda does whatever it wants too, and I sweet and all my makeup smears and customers look at me like I am a greasy hillbilly that is the scum of the earth, so they treat me like a slave... "double bag all of my groceries in paper, execpt the cold things, I want those in a plastic... doubled also..." then they walk off and I have to follow them with their cart of groceries... on the way out the door they always say something like "oh my, it is rather hot out today, I sure wouldn't want to be working out in this heat (as I am pushing the 80 pound basket to their car... which is parked across the black pavement parking lot cause they found a sliver of shade...) I hope the ice cream doesn't melt, you did put it in a freezer bag right?" and I just have to smile and nod as sweat drips down my face... and thank them... cause "customers pay my wages" which is true, but when did I sign my dignity over to strangers... argh...

I want my weekend back... I liked having a set schedule every single day of the year... saturday and sunday were my days off, and I knew that... I want to be able to go to church again... I don't know why I like church, I really didn't like the people... I just liked learning... I kinda want to go back to school too, which I know won't happen for a LONG time... school is expensive... It is kinda ironic... I hated school when it was free... I felt it was a waste of time... I still kinda feel high school was a waste... but now I have to pay to go to school, cause I want to, but I can't afford it or have the time...

I need something chocolate...

beat that bongo

Driving down the road today I started thinking about superheroes. I wonder if life would be better or easier if I had some sort of superpower. Then i drove by a road construction site it occured to me we were amongst our very own everyday superheroes. You throw a construction suit and orange reflector on a high school dropout and suddenly he becomes the controller of every car that comes his way. He is invincible. He can stop a speeding car with nothing more than an outstretched dirty fingernailed hand. You are at his mercy as to when you can proceed with the rest of your life. I always feel bad for the guys in the middle of the road with the "stop" or "slow" signs. I always smile and wave, hoping to make there day a bit better.

I spent most my morning looking for a different job. I am getting desperate. I applied at a sweatshop of sorts. They make rock climbing harnisses. The manager gave me a pre-interview, he was nice. He told me he knows my dad and thats a plus for me because they only hire people who have worked in merchendising before. Which is odd, because the only people I saw working were little asian girls that were all speaking really fast and glaring at me with their squinty eyes. I know that they are not even making mininum wage and have only worked in stawberry fields.

My job working at Raleys isn't really that bad. I just don't like the people. My superviser is total butch and she is really mean. She thinks people talk about her all the time and make fun of her. Which its true, but it is kinda hard not to. She walks, talks and looks like a man, with really big boobs... There are some great people that I work with. They keep me saine... Most the people, however, take bagging grocieriers WAY to seriously... They act as if the customers only come to that Raleys to see them... "If you create a friendship with the customers, they will come back." They come to Raleys because it is close to their house, or on the way home from work, and they really do not care about you. The cashiers don't realize that people have lives outside of Raleys. They say we are a "family"... I have a big family, and I like them... and the people at Raleys are not my family...

So yesturday I cleaned house, made a pot roast in my crock pot and made a chocolate cake. It made me feel really "wife" like.

I am so excited for Clerks 2 commin out to theaters. Daniel has never seen Clerks, so I rented it for him... I think I need to eat something... so...

what nerves of steal?

So today, after work, Daniel and I are driving down to Oroville to meet his Grandma Pat. I haven't meet her yet, beings she lives far away and is visiting relatives in California... I am a little nervious... not too sure why... I am excited at the same time...


oh butterflys....

what do you do for money honey

So i just realized that I work at Raleys.... er... well I know I work at Raleys, but thats my job... I have been out of high school for almost 6 years and I bag groceries at Ralyes supermarket.

A few weeks ago I got a letter in the mail that said my teaching certificate is in voided because they class I have taken (at Shasta Bible College) are not certified. I called the college and they told me that they are not certified through the state which means that I can't teach or get my teaching certificate. So basically I am screwed... I spent the last 5 years of my life taking classes for the hell of it and nothing more...

I have been a lil depressed about all this. People I have graduated with are off at college just about to start their careers as accomplished whatevers. I am married, in a 2 bedroom townhouse, bagging groceries to pay off my credit card debt.

I am determined that I will not work at Raleys for much longer. I hate it... I have thought about ways I could get out of working, but I am pretty sure that even if I were in the emergency room they would call me to bully me back to work...

My life is not were I want it to be at the moment... I am stuck waiting on God for a blessing and guidence...