Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Next time... maybe

Why is it so difficult to trust that God has everything under control and that he does honestly want the best for us?

I just spent the last two hours in 'Labor and Delivery' up at Mercy Medical Center. I hadn't felt the baby move sense about 4pm the day before. I tried not to think about it, trying to trust God that everything is just fine, but in the back of my mind I have this constant worry.

My mom was there with me listening to the baby monitor and she was reassuring me that I have every right to worry. That is only human and I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't have these worries. She told me how my dad and her were at a constant worry carrying the twins after her pregnancy loss before.

It is just this nasty nagging emotion that won't disappear. The heartache is so fresh those hours spent in the hospital are so vivid in my memory. As the last two due dates came and past I couldn't help but stop and wonder what kind of baby they would have been. And now this time with this beautiful pregnancy and this wonderfully healthy baby boy I can't help but hold my breath with each twinge and poke… wondering when it will turn south.

It is horrible to think!!! I hate these thoughts… I just wish I had enough courage to say "here God… I trust you… completely…."

When the nurse put the baby monitor on my belly and smiled then said "can you hear it? His heart rate is at 142, it is perfect"… I felt so completely relived and a gush of tears came flooding… and at the same time I felt so foolish… almost ashamed…

I know God is holding my baby boy so carefully and His hand is at work in my pregnancy, but why can't I trust Him?

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