A Baby... Our Baby... Lost and Loved

Read here for earlier this weeks blog

My heart is so torn... I feel hollow and defeated. I still do not understand pregnancy loss... what is the point? I trust God has a purpose... a plan... all things to work together for the greatest good. It still hurts... my heart and soul hurt.

The thought that hurts the worst is that this baby was gone before I knew about it. I hate that I didn't get to love it when it was alive... "It"... seems so wrong to call a baby "it". A baby so wanted...

We never gave names to our other children who had passed. I gave charge to the Angels in naming our children... saying "give them beautiful Hebrew names, surprise me when I meet them."

This baby... I have a need to name... this baby we want to know is very much loved... cherished... and missed.

This baby we named Kellen Lee Whipple. An Irish name meaning 'powerful'... this baby, so small, was with us --then left us without us noticing... but was so powerful in our lives!

My Dearest Kellen,

You were a surprise to us Love. A welcomed miracle into our lives! I pray you know how much your Daddy and I do love you! We cherish your memory and our hearts are forever yours.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

I really am not comfortable talking about Kellen or the loss in general. Just a heads up for future conversations.

Limbo

Reader warning... the following may be more information than you would like to know about me.

Sitting in my OBGYN office yesterday... waiting for my doctor to come back in and tell me the results of a pregnancy test. I already "knew" the answer. I was smug. I had just weaned Ana 3 weeks ago. I got my first cycle four days after weaning. It was heavy... with clots ranging from pea size to kiwi size. That was the reason for my visit to my doctor. To stop the bleeding.

My doctor wanted to do a D&C, just to rid me of all the build up. I talked him into the progesterone pills... take for 21 days, come back in once a new cycle starts. He agreed as long as I take a pregnancy test.

So I wait for the results... laughing at the impossiblity of being pregnant. We have never had a pregnancy without several rounds of Clomid... and I JUST weaned Ana.

Doctor Perry walks in; "Well Sarah, your pregnancy test was positive. I am not sure what is going on. You are possibly miscarrying".

I sat there... thinking of Sarah in the Bible... I laughed at God. How foolish to think I could put God in a box... my God, who has countless times proved miracles do happen... to me...

I cried... not with joy, but with fear. We desperately want a baby... of course! We would love to love many more children. But--- do we get to love this baby? Or is this baby already gone?

That hit me hard... did this baby leave without being loved and cherished?

We leave the office with instructions to come back in the morning for a blood test, then back on Thursday for a follow up.

I am numb.

We get home and I tear off all of my clothes... they feel so weird on my body. I am hysterical.

I go in the bathroom and do my own pregnancy test. Thinking I just could not be pregnant... not wanting to think we are going through yet another pregnancy loss.

I dip the test in, and instantly got two pink lines. I lost all composure... reality was far from my grasp.

What happened in the two hours from the test, to when I woke up in bed... I don't know. Daniel was holding me close. My Mom had picked Eli up... Ana was napping. I felt sick... confused.... scared.

We laid there for a long time... talking and crying. The not knowing was really eating at me. Daniel talked me into going to the ER.

The triage nurse seemed annoyed. Asking me routine questions. I am sure they get countless scared pregnant women in every week. I told her I have two children. She says so this is your 3rd pregnancy. I say this is my 8th pregnancy. Her tone changed.

Nurse: Gravida?

Me: 8

Nurse: Para?

Me: 2... abortus 5, 4 miscarriage, one ectopic.

I felt relieved. She spoke to me in real terms... she didn't sugar coat anything. She didn't beat around the bush. For the 5 hours we were there, she would pop in and tell us what was going on. What doctor or specialist had my file.

At the end of the night we had learned that my HCG is about 730ish. The ultrasounds showed nothing except a large amount of blood loss coming from my cervix. They can not rule out miscarriage. They can not rule out ectopic even though nothing was found in my tubes or ovaries. They can not rule out a stable pregnancy.

We leave with instructions to follow up with my doctor on Thursday.

In limbo... once again...

Swagbucks Made Simple

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I personally have used Swagbucks for over a year now. Using my swagbucks to purchase arena tickets, Amazon gift cards (which I have used to help with Christmas shopping, buying baby necessities, and a few HBO/ SHOWTIME tv series on DVD). I have even used my swagbucks to buy a gift card to an online clothing store.

How to sign up for Swagbucks?

It’s super easy! Just go to Swagbucks and fill out your information. You'll receive 30 points just for registering to get you started. After you've registered, read on to maximize your earnings potential.

How to maximize your swagbucks!

Once you've registered with Swag Bucks, earning SB is easy. Just follow the instructions below to earn!

Perform these tasks every day:

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Doing these things everyday for one year will earn you at least 1460 Swagbucks! That is enough for 3 Amazon gift cards! Easiest money you will ever make!

Mega Swagbucks Friday:

Be sure to do a few internet searchs on Fridays for the opportunity to win Swagbucks in larger-the-usual amounts. Win in amounts of 10, 20, 50 or even 100 Swagbucks!

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It really is easy to earn swagbucks... I hardly put any effort into it at all... I don't have that much free time... really, but I make it work in my favor!

If you are still unsure about Swagbucks, read some of my other post here about it :)

Calgon Take Me Away

Some days I feel so overwhelmed with just the basics... Dishes, laundry, meal times. Today was a one step forward two steps back kind of day. The kind of day when you realize the only thing you have eaten all day was a cup of coffee and some Gerber Puffs your baby stuck in your mouth.

The kind of day when you start to cry... and it is ok to cry... Real Mom's cry.

The only way to survive a day like today is to give in... Give in to the mess and chaos. Turn the radio up really loud and dance with your kids. Be silly and spontaneous... and when they finally go down for a nap, eat some chocolate and veg out on Pinterest.

and it is ok to give up on things like that... Real Mom's give up because they are just in-perfect people... and people get tired too.

Today's lost battle of laundry, dishes, and sticky faces is just one small battle in the war of Motherhood. Time to pull the flanks in... re-group... call in reinforcements... and try again in the Morning.

and that is ok too... Real Mom's need help sometimes... we are only human.

Funny thing... at the end of the day, on days like today, are the days that I feel the most complete. I lay in bed and cry a little... loving the crazy of the day... loving my children even more.

and that is ok too.... I am a just a Mom... and remember, Real Mom's cry too!