Monday, May 31, 2010
My king!
My friend Christy posted this on facebook. It really put my mind at ease. God is in control. He is bigger than everything going on in my life right now. He does have a purpose for this pain and will heal me... even my heart!
What is the point?
Five hours in the ER last night left me with only more questions.
What is this increasing pain. Why are my HCG levels STILL rising? Why won't God take this away from me. I want closure. I want to move on. I want my body to be able to heal so I can think about being pregnant again someday.
I have beg, pleaded, screamed and wept for God to let my body heal. I feel like I am fighting a hurricane. My body is still pregnant... even though there is absolutely no baby inside... anywhere.
WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! What is the point here God? What lesson to be learned? Do I really need to be this strong? What good can come from this? I am lost! So confused! I am terrified...
What is this increasing pain. Why are my HCG levels STILL rising? Why won't God take this away from me. I want closure. I want to move on. I want my body to be able to heal so I can think about being pregnant again someday.
I have beg, pleaded, screamed and wept for God to let my body heal. I feel like I am fighting a hurricane. My body is still pregnant... even though there is absolutely no baby inside... anywhere.
WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! What is the point here God? What lesson to be learned? Do I really need to be this strong? What good can come from this? I am lost! So confused! I am terrified...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Update on Taboo
I don't think I can take much more
I thought my latest miscarriage experience was near an end, physically that is. Of course I will forever be emotionally haunted. Forever missing my babies. Today I went in for a post D&C check up. Hoping to get an "all clear"... really thinking things were going to get better. I felt fine, I felt awesome... I felt my heart healing.
My HCG count jumped to 2400 last night... it was only 900 the day of my D&C(over a week ago). They did an ultrasound and found nothing... nothing at all... nothing ANYWHERE... what the heck!
My OB sent me to Mercy to get the Chemo Methotrexate injection. They took more blood and had a rush done on the HCG count. It went up to 2860, just in 13 hours. I am so confused. The OB is certain it is an Ectopic, even though he can't see anything in the tubes, or anywhere else. The injection is making me so tired. My head hurts... it feels like it will explode.
If the HCG levels do not go down in a week I will have one more injection. If they are still not going down in 2 weeks then I will have to have the surgery. I am terrified! What if that is it for us. What if we can't get pregnant again!?
I feel like a failure. I can't even grow a baby. Something so natural, something so evolutionary. I have to endure pills, hormones, waiting, more pills, charting, truck loads of emotions that come out of the blue... This should be a happy experience. Why do I have to be terrified when those two pink lines appear. It is like my heart and mind are just use to the worst scenario. It took so long for good news, and now we are crushed.
I just want this to be over with. I am a mess... My heart hurts so bad. I understand this is just a short time in my life... a low valley for Daniel and I... but I can't see past the hurt.
I thought my latest miscarriage experience was near an end, physically that is. Of course I will forever be emotionally haunted. Forever missing my babies. Today I went in for a post D&C check up. Hoping to get an "all clear"... really thinking things were going to get better. I felt fine, I felt awesome... I felt my heart healing.
My HCG count jumped to 2400 last night... it was only 900 the day of my D&C(over a week ago). They did an ultrasound and found nothing... nothing at all... nothing ANYWHERE... what the heck!
My OB sent me to Mercy to get the Chemo Methotrexate injection. They took more blood and had a rush done on the HCG count. It went up to 2860, just in 13 hours. I am so confused. The OB is certain it is an Ectopic, even though he can't see anything in the tubes, or anywhere else. The injection is making me so tired. My head hurts... it feels like it will explode.
If the HCG levels do not go down in a week I will have one more injection. If they are still not going down in 2 weeks then I will have to have the surgery. I am terrified! What if that is it for us. What if we can't get pregnant again!?
I feel like a failure. I can't even grow a baby. Something so natural, something so evolutionary. I have to endure pills, hormones, waiting, more pills, charting, truck loads of emotions that come out of the blue... This should be a happy experience. Why do I have to be terrified when those two pink lines appear. It is like my heart and mind are just use to the worst scenario. It took so long for good news, and now we are crushed.
I just want this to be over with. I am a mess... My heart hurts so bad. I understand this is just a short time in my life... a low valley for Daniel and I... but I can't see past the hurt.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Freedom -Day 1
Some people are soul suckers. As of today... I am anti soul sucker... I need to work on being happy and I don't need these people in my life.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Not a good read... Angry blog
Is it honestly better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Does it apply to every love situation?
From this experience I have learned that miracles do happen, but I would have rather had to endure more waiting than to experience this feeling.
It seems life moves on even in the mist of my world shaking. Not that I want the world to know or need some sort of attention… I am having trouble just speaking to familiar faces and consoling in friends… It would be nice if time could pause without me… just so I could breath.
I feel defensive. I keep picking fights with people in my mind… Like maybe if they say the wrong thing I could lash out and belittle them with my words so that they can hurt too… because physical violence is just un-lady like.
I am angry… So many questions for God. So many people having babies right now… I need a vacation in a retirement community or something. Someplace without glowing bellies, someplace without Face Book sonogram updates, someplace without happy moms to be. Deep down it's not how I really feel, I know that... it's just not fair... and I am heartbroken.
Angry Blog… I want to kick and scream and I just need to be angry for a little bit…
From this experience I have learned that miracles do happen, but I would have rather had to endure more waiting than to experience this feeling.
It seems life moves on even in the mist of my world shaking. Not that I want the world to know or need some sort of attention… I am having trouble just speaking to familiar faces and consoling in friends… It would be nice if time could pause without me… just so I could breath.
I feel defensive. I keep picking fights with people in my mind… Like maybe if they say the wrong thing I could lash out and belittle them with my words so that they can hurt too… because physical violence is just un-lady like.
I am angry… So many questions for God. So many people having babies right now… I need a vacation in a retirement community or something. Someplace without glowing bellies, someplace without Face Book sonogram updates, someplace without happy moms to be. Deep down it's not how I really feel, I know that... it's just not fair... and I am heartbroken.
Angry Blog… I want to kick and scream and I just need to be angry for a little bit…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)