Thursday, May 20, 2010

Not a good read... Angry blog

Is it honestly better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Does it apply to every love situation?

From this experience I have learned that miracles do happen, but I would have rather had to endure more waiting than to experience this feeling.

It seems life moves on even in the mist of my world shaking. Not that I want the world to know or need some sort of attention… I am having trouble just speaking to familiar faces and consoling in friends… It would be nice if time could pause without me… just so I could breath.

I feel defensive. I keep picking fights with people in my mind… Like maybe if they say the wrong thing I could lash out and belittle them with my words so that they can hurt too… because physical violence is just un-lady like.

I am angry… So many questions for God. So many people having babies right now… I need a vacation in a retirement community or something. Someplace without glowing bellies, someplace without Face Book sonogram updates, someplace without happy moms to be. Deep down it's not how I really feel, I know that... it's just not fair... and I am heartbroken.

Angry Blog… I want to kick and scream and I just need to be angry for a little bit…


  1. So I can TOTALLY relate to people never seeming to say the right thing. I felt that way for a LONG time when Elijah was born. I can remember being physically ILL everytime a healthy baby was born. I can remember actually wishing (and this is embarrassing to even admit) that someone ELSE would have an unhealthy baby. I remember when people would write to me, or call me with what they felt were words of encouragement and me wanting to just slap them acrossed the face. How could they ever understand? How could they even THINK they could understand? Why was everyone else having healthy babies and I wasn't?

    Be angry- I'm proud of you for writing your feelings down. I wish I were that brave at the time. All I could do was smile politely and hurl insults at people in my head.

  2. Holy cow... yes...

    I feel embarrassed having some of the thoughts I have too. You just want someone to understand every emotion you are feeling... its a lonely feeling, so lonely that you wish heartache on someone else. But then... you really don't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone... but at the same time I am selfish and wish I had someone dealing with the same stuff ya know...

    I really appreciate that you didn't give me the whole "chin up, God has plans" spill... I know God is working miracles around me. I know He has bigger plans for us right now... but honestly I feel being angry (just for a little bit) is good for the soul...

  3. Amen and amen. Why is it so wrong to be angry? Why do we, as believers especially, try to cover up that emotion, like it's unGodly. Like we can't know that God has plans for us, but yet still be totally upset?

    I'll never understand that line of thinking, but you won't get that phrase from me. I am a firm believer in living in reality. In working through your feelings, in admitting you actually have feelings. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to raise your fists in the air and say "why God why?". It's okay to want to punch people sometimes :)