Update on Taboo

I don't think I can take much more

I thought my latest miscarriage experience was near an end, physically that is. Of course I will forever be emotionally haunted. Forever missing my babies. Today I went in for a post D&C check up. Hoping to get an "all clear"... really thinking things were going to get better. I felt fine, I felt awesome... I felt my heart healing.

My HCG count jumped to 2400 last night... it was only 900 the day of my D&C(over a week ago). They did an ultrasound and found nothing... nothing at all... nothing ANYWHERE... what the heck!
My OB sent me to Mercy to get the Chemo Methotrexate injection. They took more blood and had a rush done on the HCG count. It went up to 2860, just in 13 hours. I am so confused. The OB is certain it is an Ectopic, even though he can't see anything in the tubes, or anywhere else. The injection is making me so tired. My head hurts... it feels like it will explode.

If the HCG levels do not go down in a week I will have one more injection. If they are still not going down in 2 weeks then I will have to have the surgery. I am terrified! What if that is it for us. What if we can't get pregnant again!?

I feel like a failure. I can't even grow a baby. Something so natural, something so evolutionary. I have to endure pills, hormones, waiting, more pills, charting, truck loads of emotions that come out of the blue... This should be a happy experience. Why do I have to be terrified when those two pink lines appear. It is like my heart and mind are just use to the worst scenario. It took so long for good news, and now we are crushed.

I just want this to be over with. I am a mess... My heart hurts so bad. I understand this is just a short time in my life... a low valley for Daniel and I... but I can't see past the hurt.