Friday, July 8, 2005
Too many hours spent alone dreaming of ways to make you proud. Countless tears shed due to the fact that I am not perfect. What to do now? The perfect daughter you prayed for ended up flawed. My whole life spent in the shadow of disapproval. Crying out to a God unseen, and clinging to His embrace, I fall... Did He let go? No one to turn to. I have been embraced by the "only if love" of my family, and I am loved only when... only when I am not me. Only when I wear the mask to hide my scars. Only when I completely die to myself... Fist clinched tight, my palms start to bleed. The blood runs down my forearm and puddles on the ground. The pain eases the rage of hate in my soul. I close my eyes. My body collapses to the floor. Fully conscious I pretend I am sleeping and I pretend I am dreaming of dieing.