Quick Update

I am working at Mervyns in Goodyear (AZ) now

Love working at Mervyns

Daniel is the pizza boy at Pizza Hut

Arizona is where Satan lives

thats why we are moving back to Cali

My parents are comming down for Thanksgiving

They will be having turkey with Daniels parents

Then they are taking us to Redding

FOREVER

My internet is still not working

We are still on a steady diet of Top Ramen

I FINALLY meet some uber awesome people here

and I am a little sad to be leaving them in a few weeks

my hair is brown now

it looks like crap

but he still thinks im sexy

Daniel loves the free pizza

I lost my tan

I still havent seen the new Transformers movie

Being poor isnt that bad

I have a new cell number

I made chocolate chip cookies, and the acctually turned out great! first time ever

The people I work with acctually think im neato, and like spending time with me off the clock

Which proves that- no, I am not a looser and they were just stuck up boobs

I so want some Dutch Bros coffee right now

My fav food isnt chinese anymore, its mexican

I just discovered fake eyelashes... so fun

I think I might grow my hair long again...

or cut is short...

My new obsession is the 99 cent chicken sandwhiches at Jack in the Box

I think im going to go get one right now...

peace

Fun while it lasted

Sometimes it is really hard not to be mad at God. I honestly can not figure out why he lets things happen. You spend your whole life dreaming of a specific moment. Then it arrives, and you make plans to change your whole world. You daydream and fantasies. This will become your purpose.

Its like he creates this completely wonderful miracle just to take it away. Almost as if it were a sick game. A cheap shot… a low blow… and your left speechless

But I know that's not his style. There is a purpose for everything. "To everything there is a season; a time and purpose under heaven." (ecc 3:1) I should use this time of brokenness to draw closer to Him. I should let Him mend my tired heart. I should work on that…

I have become a hermit. I don't feel like even getting out of bed much. I hate my cell. I hate getting online. Don't be offended friends I have come to ignore… its so not you. I have become ultra lame. I am hoping it's a short faze soon to pass. Give me time, I will call shortly. I just don't feel like explaining myself just yet. I do love you all like crazy…

I am so done with living in Arizona. If I had pennies to save I would save them to move back… sigh

Its a Verb

Can a Jr. higher be "in love"? Do they have the mental capability to know what love really is?

Who am I to say they don't love their significant other?

Do any of us really fully understand love? Real love. The kind of love Christ has for us. A great romance or sorts.

My second biggest pet peeve is people who label their emotions too quickly as "being in love". They mistake this desire for another person as love, when it is only just an infatuation with being wanted.

love is self sacrifice, and an action word. A feeling of devotion... something that develops over time...

Infatuation is object of extravagant, like a short-lived passion... puppy love... love at first sight...

most people don't know what true love is... we say "I love this restaurant!" "I love CSI" "I love Cheetos" " I love chocolate" "I love my Prada hand bag"

True love seems to have gotten lost...

The sole purpose of a blade of grass is to grow, and in doing so it brings glory to God.

My mind has been drowned with too many thoughts. Conversations with myself. Worried. Money does not grow on trees. My mother told me so. The ATM card is not magic… I need guidance.

I am at a lose. I have no idea what to do…

Waiting on God.

………………………sigh… I get so impatient! Everything is perfect in Gods time… so I wait… I wait and I wait…. And wait…

And wait…

I try to listen-BUT--- those worried thoughts show up in that wrinkle on my forehead. I can't even buy Advil for the pounding headache that has been pestering me for a week straight now…

Turns out, I am overly qualified to work at a 'Loves' (gas station, truck stop… much like the Pilot in Redding.) I didn't know there were qualifications needed (or not needed) to hand rednecks their Auto Trader magazine and cans of Copenhagen... Go figure.

I feel like a bum… Like people are pointing at me saying "there she is! What a looser! " I hate looking for a job. I have gainfully been employeed for the last 10 years. At times I even held 3 jobs while taking a full load of classes at the college. I know how to work and get work, but I have never 'needed' a new job before… I am an expert with applications and interviews… but I hate sounding needy. Its pathetic. The only difference between me and the hobo with the "will work for food" sign is… well I dress nicer and smell better.

Begging for a job and trying to convince an employer you will be a vital asset to their company is such a humbling experience. It feels like you almost end up selling yourself to them, and when you don't make the sale you feel really self-conscious.

I don't think I have it in me to do another interview. I already have a huge complex about my work ethics. My best was not good enough, not even close. I have nothing more to give. I can't be a vital member to society. My hard work got me the title of "Lazy apathetic loser" And that is just sugar coating it.

I shouldn't talk about it though… I shouldn't talk about anything of substance. My thoughts, feelings, observations, frustrations and opinions should be kept inside my brain. Slowly killing me. Weighing me down. Creating paradoxes and mayhem in my head till I snap one day and attack those around me with harsh words and plastic forks. If you knew me at all you would already know I am a woman of great conviction, you may get offended.

I am outstandingly good at making others feel an inch tall… no it is not a gift… It comes from years of being the inch tall woman getting pushed around. Spending recess picking sand out of my hair or gum off the back of my neck.

Don't test me. I am a strong person.

And now that I have vented and complained. Tore myself apart. Got frustrated with God and being lost in His purpose…

I am ready to move on.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9

Human weakness provides the ideal opportunity of divine power. I have been stripped of all amenities.

The perfect environment to listen…

I wonder if mycokerewards gives out prozac???

So… This lady comes in to tan today… "I have a problem…" she says… "I have my kid today… SIGH!"… She says…

It amazed me that even in this non-toxic, politically correct, plastic world; 'Barbie' is allowed to raise a child.

Today is not such a good day. I am missing people who are actually nice. People who are genuine in love and friendship. People who actually take an interest in others wants, needs and feelings.

So far, my opinion of Arizona people is not a very nice one. The people I have come in contact with are lame. They are rude and unimaginative. The women are clones of one another. All sporting implants and designer replica handbags. They are fake, backstabbing wannabees. I am about done with the girls I work with (most of them anyways…). I don't understand how a single person can be so mean, so unwelcoming, so down right evil. And she knows nothing about me. I am about ready to hang up my smile and become that person she makes me out to be.

I miss my support system. I miss my real friends. I know God will provide all my needs. Even my need for a shopping buddy. I have full faith in Him… but… I don't understand… countless prayers and I am still left grabbing coffee alone…

I feel so lame being such a drama queen/ cry baby… I didn't understand the full importance of friendships till I moved so far away from all those friends… I love you all and am very thankful for everything you bring to our relationship. You are all so important to me. I am thankful for you!

I am depressed… and I have given in to the comfort of Oreos… which makes my jeans feel snug… which makes me more depressed… it's a vicious cycle… I blame the Keebler elves!

only moth balls

I ran out of pennies for the fountain of youth. My pockets are bare, my wallet is full of receipts only... while stuck in traffic today I realized I am well into this game of Chess (I will always remember that conversation Amy Marie...)... Perhaps the reason I don't feel so sexy and young is because my daily routines are just that... routines... nothing new... nothing exciting... I have adapted...

Proof I am aging to 'old'-

My now social life revolves around CSI every week

I wear socks to bed now

I didn't know what an 'Alien urine sample' was till last week

I have found myself chewing Tums several times a day

I now understand the practicality of the mini van

I am limited to drinking caffeine only before 4pm

The number of people who recognize my 'Sublime' and 'Reel Big Fish' ring tones are few to none

We only go out to dinner with coupons and/or when drinks and appetizers are half off.

I am counting calories

I leave the house with sufficient time to get to my destination

I am obsessed with HGTV

I play the game of seeing how many days I can go before busting out the razor

I do all my laundry (even the bed sheets) on a weekly basis

I buy cards to send to my friends and family for every holiday

I am terrified of new drivers

I found myself counting my brown spots (too much sun!) the other morning

I actually ironed clothes for a wedding two weeks ago

I have no qualms about waking up before 6am anymore

I read the TV Guide

I carry around a toilet seat cover in my purse

---shakes head, stares at the floor and shuffles back to bed...

Confetti and piñatas

Today is my super special day and for some reason I just can't get all jazzed up. I could list pages and pages with sob stories and guilt trips, but what is the point… seriously… I feel like such a cry baby… gah… It is just another day… much like yesterday and tomorrow. We aren't doing anything. It is honestly no big deal. Sometimes when you're learning to be a grown up you have to give up certain childhood events, like confetti and piñatas.

"You are becoming what you already are" has been on my mind for the last few weeks. A fortune from a cookie my freshman year of high school. Funny how I remember, it must have had an impact of some sort. What do you make of it?

Geez I am starting to feel old. I had a list of things I wanted to do before I am 25. One more year till the deadline and have only accomplished one thing. Maybe I should scratch the list completely, or push the deadline back a few years.

Daniel and I are going to start looking at apartments. We REALLY do NOT want to rent again, but some things are inevitable. Maybe its karma for all the mean things I do to the people I can't stand… like my brother in laws girlfriend… being evil does feel so good though… (Snickers and laughs)….Having an accomplices makes it much more exciting, you can share the joy of what you sow… I miss you Amykins lala…

Ok so I should get ready for work… xoxoxoxoxoxo

target practice---aiming for your face---

Things I don't understand

Corduroy Pants and the color 'mustard' yellow.

Something from the pit of hell must possess a person who chooses to wear blue corduroy pants and a yellow mustard tube top. It is wrong on several different levels. Don't do it! If you choose to sport this attire, I will kick you in the shin!

Constant victims and people who look for permission.

I don't come to you and confess my every sin. I don't ask you for permission to do things that might make my conscious weary. When all is said and done, when all that's left is a single "amen", THEN spill your guts out to the big guy… now leave me alone!

Slackers and Overachievers

Do your job and don't make more work for me! Remember, do just your job. Don't make me look bad by doing my jobs as well.

Sunny Delight

This is NOT orange juice. It has the same about of sugar as soda pop.

People who don't wash their hands after they use the restroom.

This is gross! Plain and simple! I live with a pair who (not only have no bathroom etiquette) spread their nasty germs all over the house by not washing their hands. They wonder why I hate them… common sense here people… COME ON! If you subject me to your diseases and germs, then OF COURSE I am going to throw things at your and laugh at your lameness!

Grown men still obsessed with Marvel Comics.

Typically these men have higher IQ's then the general public, but lack the ability to socialize. Again… common sense would fix their problem of "feeling alone". Put down the comic, sell it on EBay. Buy a new wardrobe (not consisting of Aqua Teen Hunger Force tee's or band shirts from Hot Topic {just don't purchase any clothing from Hot Topic, your not cool enough to pull it off yet}), take a shower (greasy long hair wasn't attractive in the past and it is still considered tacky) and hit the sports bar.

This will save you pain and heartache in the future (when you end up married to that girl). She won't let you wear that shirt in public (she will more than likely burn it). Your comic books and/or action figures will end up in a box marked 'free' in the garage sell… so give yourself a head start and GROW UP!

God

This one is pretty much self explanatory.

Pretty much that is all for now…

sitting on the park bench...spitting out pieces of his {her} broken luck

Finally, a beautiful day here in this uncultivated wasteland. The weather is overcast and chilly. A mirror image of my heart. Spats of rainwater trickle down and lightly cover the dust. Much like my tears, which seem to be in abundance these days.

I have lost my smile. I am desperate for it, so if you find it I will pay a great reward. Name your price.

Have I sold out?

Or am I just complete aware of my true self? Masks destroyed and now face to face with my soul. She scares me.

I don't know how to be Sarah May. She is too strong. She is too certain. She is too powerful. It is much easier to let those childhood influences of my past rule over my every though, my every breath. I am paralyzed, afraid of decisions Tell me what to do. I feel lost.

I am tired. Even the toughest get weary. What was Gods point in making me shoulders big enough for the weight of the world, but not strong enough to take care of myself? I have advice for everyone else. I can fix any problem. I can hold you for days while you cry. I will stand up for you and fight your battles. Yet, I can't even mend my own heart. I can't carry myself day to day. I don't have the strength to breathe.

I disabled the kudos and comments because I already know what y'all will say...

"Give it to God"

It is much easier to say then actually do... end of story...

So... it doesn't look like we are going to be getting that house I mentioned in my previous blog. Technicalities suck. We can keep living at Daniel's parent's home till we find something else. His parents are fine with it. I just worry about the safety of a certain pair of Neanderthals... I foresee me ripping heads off and biting off fingers...

Yes I am bitter and hostel... and no, Rob, I don't hate you... still... sorry you are one of my favorites, get over it...

Praise God for pain killers in a small plastic bottle...

Chug the hand sanitizer... cleans your soul...

So... I am in a bad mood... Its been that way for a few weeks now... so if I haven't talked to you, that is why. I do love you; it's just that I love you so much I don't want you to get hurt. If I have been talking to you, then I trust you to bite back when I bite and keep me in line.

Yesterday was Daniel and mine one year wedding anniversary. The day was full of many mixed emotions. It didn't feel like a wedding anniversary. Maybe I just didn't want it to be. No longer the newlyweds, its old news. Living with the in-laws, and having to share a bathroom with two Neanderthals who pee on the toilet seat. My life sucks at this moment in time. I am content complaining... things will change very soon. It's a fact...

So we got the "go" on the building of our new house... that's right... NEW HOUSE! We get to pick out everything, and it is just going to be dandy! It should be done by this summer... I will email y'all details for a slumber party... jkjkjk... But Daniel and I are super excited...

So... other than that, life is rather dull... and I am already bored of this blog... so stop staring at me, leave a comment and then text me cause I am at work and bored... I promise I won't rip your head off...