Tuesday, June 1, 2010

In the end... good news!

Boy it sure is hard to have a spirit of praise when life just stinks.

These last few weeks have left Daniel and I numb… and feeling alone despite our fantastic family. There is a sense of abandonment in pregnancy loss. When your doctor has no clue what is going on, then you kind of feel neglected. Like for some reason God forgot about you. The stages of grief and mourning randomly leave you paralyzed at the most incontinent times. Friends kind of become MIA. Online communities of other sad Mommies become your favorite websites.

Wallowing in the hardship is dangerous. I have to make a conscious effort every morning to get out of bed, to remember to smile, to remember that 99.9% of people have no idea the condition of my heart. And a few people (soul suckers) who do know, don’t care… I have to make a conscious effort NOT to punch other pregnant women in the face. To smile when they share their joys and blah blah blah. I have to make a conscious effort to smile and be excited when everyone talks about my niece who is almost here. I am hoping it gets easier and doesn’t take so much effort to be honestly happy. My mom says that this will all just be a sad memory. I am mad that I just can’t be happy. Why shouldn’t these other pregnant moms be happy and share their joy? Why do I have to be the soul sucker from the group?

Good news. HCG levels have dropped 7% and are now 3400ish. They need to go down an additional 8% by tomorrow late afternoon or I have to get another Chemo injection. I am happy, but fearful. "What if’s "are plaguing my thoughts…


  1. Hang in there Sarah. Although I have not had the heart break of a miscarriage, I have had the heart break of something akin to it. I had the amazing blessing of seeing, at the time we believed to be our new daughter, be born, I gave her her first bath, brought her home from the hospital. I loved her in an intimate way, giving to her a way that only a mommy could give. She and I became attached and bonded in a very real way and experienced EVERYTHING that mommies and newborns share. This love was allowed to grow and grow for the next month only to come to a incredibly hurtful halt. She is now almost three and I still miss her. I still long for her and wished she was here. I have to continue to trust that the Lord is in control and has an amazing plan but the pain is still there. I guess that is what faith is all about. Even in the dark sad times, when you don’t want to get out of bed. When you don’t want to force a smile upon your face or say anything, let alone a kind word. You do it because that is the right thing to do. You continue to serve others and focus on their needs instead of your own. Oh the hurt is there but the good news is that it lessens and little bit more every day. It wasn’t until about nine months later that I could go through a day without it being my number one thought. Oh I still think about her, but now it is with less pain and more pray. Even though we are only related through marriage I love you and are burned with your pain. As a mommy who has also lost a child I can only pray and hope that one day hopefully soon you too will feel less pain every day.

  2. Sarah I love you, you are not alone!! I thank God for your friendship, it is very special to me as are you. Any time you want to hang out let me know! We will corral the ferals and chill in front of a good movie or something. Hang in there,

  3. Thanks Tiffany! I value our friendship! Our animals need to get together for a play date!

  4. I don't know you very well. I have been reading your blog on the BBC website. I do have to say something about the fist comment. How the heck does that experience relate to an ectopic pregnancy? I understand that in both cases a dream is shattered and a child lost.
    In one case the child is dead and in the other case the child has a different family.

    I appreciate you being vocal in your feelings. I lost a baby in March. It is something you don't ever forget. I don't care what that other lady says, but don't smile because "it is the right thing to do" smile only if you feel it. You have the right to be mad. I don't know any woman that has had a pregnancy loss that doesn't want to punch other happy moms. The feeling fades. Like you said in the forum yesterday. You are happy to see your niece soon, and your other friends babies, but it is just hard because you want your babies too.
    I have never meet anyone that has had 3 miscarriages. I don't know how you could even want to try again. DH and I are waiting a long time before trying again.
    Thank you for being honest in your feelings. It makes me feel normal!

  5. Sometimes doing the right thing to do, for society isn't always the right thing to do for yourself. Sometimes it feels good to just sit in your room, in the dark, alone and cry. And cry your poor little eyes out. When you feel that way, you are allowed to scowl at every bulging belly out there. The words "I can relate to you" is something no person wants to hear when all they want is a hug and "it will be okay." Why focus on other people when you are unable to focus on the eggs you over cooked for your own child because you were spacing out and "what if'ing everything." Serving other people should be set on the back burner and your needs and your happiness is what is important. You don't always have to be "happy heather" and "suzy homemaker." Why should you shove your needs and happiness to the bottom of everything just so you are not "judged" or so everyone else doesnt have to hinder from how you are feeling? Going through the process of greiving and mourning is the right thing to do, so some day you are able to be fully happy. Not everyone is able to put on that fake smile and that over dramatic caring for others.
    To conclude my rant, Do whatever you want sissy. Don't listen to anyone about how you should act and what you should say to others. Don't watch your tongue because after you say "I don't care if your baby just rolled over for the first time," it will make you feel better. Don't regret your blogs or your status'. I love you with all of my heart! And your monsterous dog child.

  6. You do not know me however I feel I must comment as a Mom who has had a stillborn and had a child die at the age of 10. Loosing a child can NOT be compared to anything else. This is the most devastating loss a parent can have! No matter the age of your baby it is loved and wanted. Putting on a happy for those around is "ok" if you feel up to it, if you do not feel up to it it is also ok and NORMAL to cry and just say leave me alone I am having a bad time right now! I also did not want to see pregnant women or new borns after we had our stillborn(he died at 6 months gestation)those around you hopefully will understand that is it NOT there child that you do not want to see its just the agonizing pain you feel when you see this adorable newborn, it is an ache that goes to your very core and makes your arms ache with emptiness. Please ask them to be patient with you that you love them and want to see/be with her child you just can not do it emotionally right now. Unfortunately the pain of loosing your baby does not go away however, you learn to live with it and in time, no matter how hard this is to believe, you may be able to look back at the feelings you had while pregnant and they will bring you joy again. Love your other child and your husband completely right now, but also ask the same of your husband you need that complete and total love right now. Explain to him you will need to just be held and let cry even though that hurts him but by him doing this you will be able to be there for him when he feels the weight of grief, as the Dad, to be to much to bear then you can step up and comfort him. Comforting each other and loving each other will be what gets you through this loss. Reach out to support groups the days of Moms suffering in silence are thankfully gone. It is ok to talk about your baby and it is ok to blast the sorry fool that tells you to get over it you have a living child! I am so sorry for your loss and Im sorry you are in this "elite club" of grieving Mommies this roller coaster sucks but with support you will be ok one day. I will not say you will be fine because it has been 24 yrs for me and I still think of my one and only son!! ( I really hope my rambling makes sense) :) God Bless

  7. As a ANGEL mommy myself due to a miscarriage. Sarah I personally dont feel that you should have to put on the "happy face" just because everyone else thinks that you should. You have every right to tell people to leave you alone and let you have a you day. Crying helps and being around friends and family who love you very much helps. But personally i liked being alone in a dark room writing poems or just crying because you feel so lost and alone. You are luck to have Daniel and little Eli to give you all the love that you feel you are lacking or in need of!

    I hope that this makes sense and helps you out but i know how you feel about also already being ready to try for another baby so then you atleast know that you're not broken and you can carry a baby. Sarah you are a wonderful woman that has been through a lot and one day God will make sure you understand how come he's put you through everything he has. Just like you told me yesterday God has a plan for us even though we may not understand what it is or why he does what he does it's all in good meaning that he does them to us!

  8. Dear Sarah,
    Usually I don't read nor comment on blogs. My heart was to encourage only. By reading the comments that followed, I believe I did not give enough details or use enough words. I was trying to keep it short. I want to ask your forgiveness if you thought I was saying anything of the sorts of "get over it". That is the furthest from my desire. I wasn’t trying to tell you want to do. I was not suggesting that you put on a fake smile. My comment of a smile on your face was a smile you give even though you are crying inside. Maybe because I have some many little ones in my household that I don't want to affect negatively I am in practice of smiling on the outside even when I want to scream, cry, yell etc. on the inside. It was my hope that you would be able to see that the pain does lessen. Everyone deals with pain and loss differently. I have had 3 close friends that have given birth to still born. All at 9 months, all thought they were bringing their babies home. One didn't want a picture, one had a professional come and take hundreds of photos. Photos in all kinds of amazing positions and with each family member. She still uses them for her face book profile. The other just had one of the baby and parents taken and has it in a very private place in their bedroom. They all did things differently. I have 2 very close friends; one has had 3 miscarriages and the other 4. One speaks publically about them and doesn’t mind questions, comments etc. The other is very private and there are many who do not know that she has endured this hardship and pain. You are uniquely and specially made. You can only walk this walk the way you can, no one else. God cares about you and will give you the strength to carry on. Again please forgive me if I communicated anything differently.