Boy it sure is hard to have a spirit of praise when life just stinks.
These last few weeks have left Daniel and I numb… and feeling alone despite our fantastic family. There is a sense of abandonment in pregnancy loss. When your doctor has no clue what is going on, then you kind of feel neglected. Like for some reason God forgot about you. The stages of grief and mourning randomly leave you paralyzed at the most incontinent times. Friends kind of become MIA. Online communities of other sad Mommies become your favorite websites.
Wallowing in the hardship is dangerous. I have to make a conscious effort every morning to get out of bed, to remember to smile, to remember that 99.9% of people have no idea the condition of my heart. And a few people (soul suckers) who do know, don’t care… I have to make a conscious effort NOT to punch other pregnant women in the face. To smile when they share their joys and blah blah blah. I have to make a conscious effort to smile and be excited when everyone talks about my niece who is almost here. I am hoping it gets easier and doesn’t take so much effort to be honestly happy. My mom says that this will all just be a sad memory. I am mad that I just can’t be happy. Why shouldn’t these other pregnant moms be happy and share their joy? Why do I have to be the soul sucker from the group?
Good news. HCG levels have dropped 7% and are now 3400ish. They need to go down an additional 8% by tomorrow late afternoon or I have to get another Chemo injection. I am happy, but fearful. "What if’s "are plaguing my thoughts…