Today I logged into facebook, only to be meet with new information two additional friends who are now expecting... Sure I am happy for them... At least I think I am... hmph... My heart is bitter and my attitude is no better. I spent over an hour waiting in the waiting room at my OB seeing other giant belly's walk in and out of the door.
I can't help but cry. I feel like I can't be honestly happy. Like I will forever feel anger an bitterness while others are happy for their new baby. I want these ugly emotions to disappear... I keep thinking "Just do it... just smile and then you will feel better and be happy"... So I try... but doesn't work that way. Tell me someone... how can I change the attitude of my heart?
My HCG levels are at a 94 as of last Wednesday... good news! Pain is still constant... but a inner ultrasound showed there is nothing there, more good news!
Took a bathroom break and had a good cry... came back, checked my email before finishing blogging, well actually I was just going to delete it... it was too sad and mopey... on my home page was a random horoscope. I don't follow my horoscope at all. I don't believe in it... I NEVER read it... however, I felt drawn to it... so I read it
"You need to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. It's way too easy to get caught up in a never-ending cycle of worrying about what could have been, so make sure that you don't start that kind of thinking in the first place. Faith in yourself is the critical element to making sure that this situation comes out just right, so keep your spirits up!"
Geez God! You are so tricky... God speaking to me online in my horoscope... funny! It is all very honest... and true to how I feel... I feel like I am in a spiral of negativity. I feel like I can't control my emotions... God has faith in me... why don't I?
I still want to delete this... but I feel I should leave it. A testimony to God and his humor, trickiness, love, and devotion to us even in our ugliest state of heart.