Last night I was driving home with Elijah in the back seat. It was a real quiet night, he had fallen asleep so when I got home I just sat in the car and watched him sleep for awhile. Eli is a very active child, so rarely do I just get to look at him. He was just so beautiful there sleeping. It made me think about what my other babies would have looked like. Which made me think about how old they would be. Who would be almost out of a car seat and needing a booster seat. Who would have Daniels curly hair. I sat there for a few minutes and imagined them in the car with me. Spilling juice and making crumbs in the backseat... yelling "mom lets get out of the car we are home."
Then I thought about how I wouldn't have Elijah if I had my other babies too. This thought does comfort me... it doesn't make me love or miss them any less though. It does make me feel very grateful that I do have Eli. He is our miracle. This process has made me so much more appreciative of Gods grace, love, patience... and more appreciative of my Eli.
I do think that this process of grieving has been more emotional than normal for me because my body is still pregnant. I still have lots of pregnancy hormone going on in there. I cry about everything, I want to barf when I see someone eating chicken, I am tired, I have to pee every half hour... I feel like I am part of a sick joke... "your pregnant, but there is no baby"...
Grieving is normal though. I got many emails in addition to the comments posted on my last blog. People who don't grieve... people who don't take the time to cry... people who focus on others instead of themselves, are missing out on what God is doing in them. God created emotions. He celebrates when we call out to Him in sorrow because we are calling on Him. God doesn't love that we are sad... His heart breaks when we cry, but He loves when we bring the pain to Him... and how can we bring the pain to Him if we are always focusing on celebrating others?
I understand there is a time for everything... If you are constantly sad and feeling the need to grieve, then perhaps it would be best to seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with that. Christians are allowed to be depressed. Christians do have emotions, Christians get sad, Christians get mad... you Christian are normal for feeling! These are emotions God created.
I trust that God will heal my heart. I trust that God has more miracles in store for our life. I understand that there is more going on in life than me, and my broken heart. I see Gods grace, love, and mercy in my loss. I see God working miracles in the people around me... If I put on a happy face for others because it is the right thing to do, I would have missed out on the opportunity to get closer to God. My heart still hurts... I am still sad... I am still a little angry. That is the condition of my heart at the moment. I do know that God will heal me completely.
Update- second round of Chemo last Wednesday. HCG numbers are still rising. I see my OB this next Wednesday... pray that the HCG levels WILL DROP!