Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bitter Truth

Pregnancy after loss confession.

Even though I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby I find myself incredibly jealous of some women's other pregnancies. It could be a complete stranger or a friend... and it isn't with every one I hear about... The adult I am knows that the pregnancy is right and deserved and logical; the child in me still feels jealous. I am not sure if it stems from the multiple pregnancy losses, fighting so hard to keep this current pregnancy healthy or from trying to get pregnant for so long.

I just have a hard time being happy for someone when we are fighting body mind and soul for our own. It is selfish I know... and even with such selfish thinking I naturally feel wrong and evil.

Too many dang pregnancy hormones

Daniel and I have become much for aware of our own emotions with this last pregnancy loss. We have turned not only to each other but to God... accepting support from family and friends but really having a guarded heart. Things we do, say and ways we react from now on are in correlation with our past experiences. With so much hurt you either become jaded or grow from it. It is a learning experience, God will continue to teach us from our losses until the day we meet him.

There is so much pain that comes with pregnancy loss and the last thing a couple needs is negativity and unsolicited advice. A quick Google search can lead someone looking to support a loved one during a pregnancy loss to websites hosting lovely, caring and supportive ways to help. A normal person understands that if you have never experienced a pregnancy loss you can not possibly relate. Daniel and I experienced not one, but several bullies during our last pregnancy loss... even from someone that has been such a support my whole life. Something I have learned to be common among the pregnancy loss community. I learned much about family bullying by serial bullies from this website. I was shocked and appauled by how many women get horrible, selfish and negative comments after the hell of pregnancy loss.

No Angel mommy wants to hear "you will only have one baby so don't bother trying again". "I can relate... "for any "reason" unless your baby died you can't possible relate. "the baby must have been sick". "you are better off, you can't support another one right now." "At least you have one already". We had received many more... but these can't even compare to the horror some women received that I have spoken to.

The fact is... I can't forgive my body for killing my babies. A shocking evil truth. I blame and hate myself...

Most women of pregnancy loss feel the same... so how can someone who has not experienced it relate to me? I look in the mirror and see a a dark hole... a villain that has stolen my baby.

The counter-side to the darkness is knowing that God will take this feeling away from me... I just need to let him. He has brought us through this dark valley so that we can experience the brilliant Grace He has laid ahead for us. We are still learning... we are humble enough to understand that we don't have the answers but we trust that God does.


  1. It is easier for me to hear of other's pregnancies when I'm pregnant. But when I wasn't pregnant, I couldn't even be in the same room. Even now, being pregnant, I have been pretty quiet about it because I know, from firsthand experience, how many women out there want to be and should be pregnant but aren't. I echo so many of your thoughts.

  2. i am not religious, but i share many of your viewpoints. just because i have one living daughter doesn't lessen the pain of losing my second little girl too soon. i am also pregnant again now and i hope we can both bring our older children a living sibling to play with!