Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Lets pour some salt in that wound

The past two months have brought into my life more trials and tribulations than most people face in a life-time. Daniel and I have waited on God... body, mind and soul for healing and comfort. Praise God for physical healing, just this last week I got a positive ending to the madness.

I am thankful to friends and my awesome family who have prayed and cried with us these last few months. Thank you for helping us with this emotional burden. God has blessed us with you!

During this healing process Daniel and I have been called "selfish"... I don't think some people realizes the severity of events that took place. This isn't to "brag" about how awful things have been. I am going to write in plain and simple terms and by no means do I want to gloat about the following. This is painful, but if I don't share, how can I expect people to understand?

Daniel and I had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months. I had to take piles of hormones that cost a pretty penny in order to get that positive pregnancy test in May. Shortly after the positive pregnancy test I had to take chemotherapy injections, twice, to kill the baby we tried so hard to create. It took 8 weeks to finally not be pregnant anymore. Now I don't even know when I will be emotionally ready to even think about getting pregnant again. I am terrified!!! I found out last week after a trip to the ER, that our insurance in canceled. We won't be able to afford anymore Dr. trips, so I am thankful that the chemo is over!

During our first family vacation (after being married almost 5 years) in June, Daniel was involved in a car accident. Del, Daniels dad, was driving. The car drove off the road, rolled a bunch of times and flipped head of tail several times. The cars roof was smashed to the floor board. There is no way they should have survived. Not knowing if my husband was alive was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Even now, thinking about that phone call makes my heart ache.

We were renting a house from a family friend. The first of June we got a notice saying the house was being auctioned at the end of the month. I ask our landlord... who is a life long family friend. She tells us that she had taken care of it and the house wasn't being auctioned. We spent the 4th of July weekend packing, trying to find a place to live and moving. Turns out friends lie. Daniel, Elijah and I are sharing a room in my Aunts house... Even though the room is a converted garage with no air conditioning, I am thankful to not be homeless.


I was watching that new movie "Remember Me"... all my friends told me how good of a movie it was. They told me how they just cried and cried at the ending. When I got done watching it I didn't cry... but then not crying made me cry. I felt robed of emotions. Like I am numb to empathy. That is not like me... I always felt like God gifted me with empathy towards others, even stupid sappy movies and Hallmark commercials... but now I feel like I have none.

Many of my friends have become pregnant and some even had their babies during this healing process. I am very embarrassed to admit this, but... my happiness level for each friend is based on a jealousy rating... How long they were trying to get pregnant, how many kids they already have... I feel secure in the fact that I know I am not alone in this evil jealousy rut. I hate this jealous feeling... I pray and ask God to take it away... I don't know how to just not be jealous. Someone please tell me!!! I crazy with this emotion! Like I need to go to some Jealousy Addiction Anonymous or something... Hi, my name is Sarah. I am a christian with a relationship with Christ. I am here because I am addicted to jealousy.

I can I not be jealous though... I feel like Daniel and I have to fight for every good thing in our lives. I feel like we can't enjoy anything... I feel like I have to fight for sanity every single morning. To make a effort to be thankful... If I don't praise God for the little things like a/c in the car or a ice cold Dr. Pepper or Elijah's addiction to Toy Story (without it I would not have a moment to myself)... my day would get very sad.

I feel like this blog is tacky... Like I am being gaudy and trashy or something. I am not the kind of person that likes to draw attention. I used to be... now I kinda just like to blend.... I would rather be ignored ya know... but when people I love tell me I am selfish after being in so much pain... it just hurts... and then it makes you think about all the bad things going on... and then those things hurts again. It is 3:30 in the morning, just in case you were wondering why this is sounding like a bunch of pity party ramblings.


  1. okay, first off, i am so sorry sweetie. you really have been going through hell. i am just glad that you are making it through. things will get better for you, i know it. what i don't understand is why people said that you were being selfish, what were they even referring to? i don't get it.
    well, anyhow, i am praying for things to get better for your family, and that god will give you peace. love ya hon.

  2. You are stronger than you know. You are not alone. You are very loved. Keep you chin up, and dont give up. You are also one of the most selfless people I know. Insane things happen in life. You cant control it, and half the time dont even expect it. There are no explanations. We are not asked to understand, we are asked to have faith. Sometimes that is the last thing I want to do. But often times it is all we can do. There have been times I wanted to give up. How many people have to fight not to lose the kids they have, when they are a good parent?? All I can do is what I feel is the right thing, and screw the rest. I know our situations are very different, my intent is not to compare them. But I think you need to have more faith in yourself, and believe in yourself. You are an amazing mom and wife. Your family have food, shelter and an abundance of love. You are also an amazing testimony of strength even if you dont see it right now. I love you and I am praying for you. You know who, that crazy chick that you have been putting up with all your life...LOL

  3. Wow, just...wow. The things that come out of people's mouths astonish me sometimes. I am really not sure how anyone could say you were selfish, but I sure hope that whoever that was isn't in your life anymore.

    As one of those "friends" that has become pregnant, and does in fact have 2 other children, I hesitate to comment on your blogs. What could I possibly say that would comfort you? How could I even attempt to know what you are going through? I couldn't. It would be ludicrous for me to say "I know what you're going through". But I can tell you that I care about you, that I'm praying for you, and that sometimes life can just plain suck. I am so thankful that through all of this you still maintain your love for the Lord. You're being put in such a Job situation right now, and we can so easily be discouraged. Satan is a vicious vicious guy, and right now he thinks he's winning. Right now, it may even feel like he is. But, he's not!

    "Dear Jesus, thank you for Sarah, thank you for her honesty in her words. For her ability to still praise you, even in through the storms of life. I ask right now that you would give her an amazing place to live at just the right price. I pray that you would allow a healing in her heart that only you can create. I pray that you would stroke her hair when she is crying, that you would rock her to sleep each night, and that you would know and remind her exactly how many hairs are on her head. Jesus you know the hurt that she carries with her, you know that pain. You know it, because you carry it for her. I just pray Lord that you would begin to help her feel whole again, to be able to hope and dream again, and to be able to trust you again. When she's ready, please allow her to have another baby Lord Jesus, and help that baby to be healthy and strong and a blessing and joy from you. I pray that the baby she just lost, the one that is sitting on your lap right now, I pray that you would kiss that baby and tell Sarah that you are taking such excellent care of it until she gets there. Thank you for Sarah's sweet heart Lord, please take care of that too. In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

  4. It is completely normal to feel the way you do about what has happened to you, and trust me, I'm closing in on 4 years since losing my daughter and still feel like you do.

    I feel like people don't really understand and if they had experienced what I did, they wouldn't say the things they say. I was really mad at my SIL and brother when they lost their 2nd baby. Not because they lost the baby but because they acted like since they lost that one they couldn't have another and 3 months later my SIL was pregnant with my 2nd nephew. I felt like, you have a miscarriage and think you're never going to get pregnant again and make the comment, "Well, maybe we're only meant to have him (meaning my oldest nephew)."

    It wasn't that I didn't sympathize with them because I'd been through it twice, so I know what they were feeling, but I felt like they weren't justified in thinking the way they did. I mean it's not like she couldn't carry a pregnancy or worse had a chromosomal issue like DH does. Then, three months later she's pregnant again and everything is peachy, they don't even act like the miscarriage happened.

    I don't think it's jealousy you're experiencing...I think it's envy. You envy what they have and want it for yourself, that's different from jealousy, at least to me. They think you're jealous because they don't know what you're feeling, if they could feel what you feel, they would know that.