Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Lets pour some salt in that wound
The past two months have brought into my life more trials and tribulations than most people face in a life-time. Daniel and I have waited on God... body, mind and soul for healing and comfort. Praise God for physical healing, just this last week I got a positive ending to the madness.
I am thankful to friends and my awesome family who have prayed and cried with us these last few months. Thank you for helping us with this emotional burden. God has blessed us with you!
During this healing process Daniel and I have been called "selfish"... I don't think some people realizes the severity of events that took place. This isn't to "brag" about how awful things have been. I am going to write in plain and simple terms and by no means do I want to gloat about the following. This is painful, but if I don't share, how can I expect people to understand?
Daniel and I had been trying to get pregnant for 8 months. I had to take piles of hormones that cost a pretty penny in order to get that positive pregnancy test in May. Shortly after the positive pregnancy test I had to take chemotherapy injections, twice, to kill the baby we tried so hard to create. It took 8 weeks to finally not be pregnant anymore. Now I don't even know when I will be emotionally ready to even think about getting pregnant again. I am terrified!!! I found out last week after a trip to the ER, that our insurance in canceled. We won't be able to afford anymore Dr. trips, so I am thankful that the chemo is over!
During our first family vacation (after being married almost 5 years) in June, Daniel was involved in a car accident. Del, Daniels dad, was driving. The car drove off the road, rolled a bunch of times and flipped head of tail several times. The cars roof was smashed to the floor board. There is no way they should have survived. Not knowing if my husband was alive was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Even now, thinking about that phone call makes my heart ache.
We were renting a house from a family friend. The first of June we got a notice saying the house was being auctioned at the end of the month. I ask our landlord... who is a life long family friend. She tells us that she had taken care of it and the house wasn't being auctioned. We spent the 4th of July weekend packing, trying to find a place to live and moving. Turns out friends lie. Daniel, Elijah and I are sharing a room in my Aunts house... Even though the room is a converted garage with no air conditioning, I am thankful to not be homeless.
I was watching that new movie "Remember Me"... all my friends told me how good of a movie it was. They told me how they just cried and cried at the ending. When I got done watching it I didn't cry... but then not crying made me cry. I felt robed of emotions. Like I am numb to empathy. That is not like me... I always felt like God gifted me with empathy towards others, even stupid sappy movies and Hallmark commercials... but now I feel like I have none.
Many of my friends have become pregnant and some even had their babies during this healing process. I am very embarrassed to admit this, but... my happiness level for each friend is based on a jealousy rating... How long they were trying to get pregnant, how many kids they already have... I feel secure in the fact that I know I am not alone in this evil jealousy rut. I hate this jealous feeling... I pray and ask God to take it away... I don't know how to just not be jealous. Someone please tell me!!! I crazy with this emotion! Like I need to go to some Jealousy Addiction Anonymous or something... Hi, my name is Sarah. I am a christian with a relationship with Christ. I am here because I am addicted to jealousy.
I can I not be jealous though... I feel like Daniel and I have to fight for every good thing in our lives. I feel like we can't enjoy anything... I feel like I have to fight for sanity every single morning. To make a effort to be thankful... If I don't praise God for the little things like a/c in the car or a ice cold Dr. Pepper or Elijah's addiction to Toy Story (without it I would not have a moment to myself)... my day would get very sad.
I feel like this blog is tacky... Like I am being gaudy and trashy or something. I am not the kind of person that likes to draw attention. I used to be... now I kinda just like to blend.... I would rather be ignored ya know... but when people I love tell me I am selfish after being in so much pain... it just hurts... and then it makes you think about all the bad things going on... and then those things hurts again. It is 3:30 in the morning, just in case you were wondering why this is sounding like a bunch of pity party ramblings.