Monday, May 17, 2010

Angel Baby

I fully understand that talking about miscarriage is taboo. I know most people don't want to hear about it...however... as a woman that has had several, I wish more people did talk about it. Talking about it helps the healing process. I want to tell everyone about the few short weeks I was pregnant. I want to tell everyone how much we loved that baby. I want to tell everyone the dreams we had as a family. I know other parents of pregnancy loss want to do the same. This is a child that is still loved, very much... even at only a few weeks old. We will love this baby, and think about this baby daily.

Today Daniel and I were told that our baby love has gone to heaven. Kinda don't know what else to say to that fact. It hurts, my heart hurts...

I had to have a D&C early tonight, it was quick and painless. Being in the room that I had first meet my son not even 2 years early was probably the hardest part. Knowing I won't get to hold my baby, see that little lip quiver, nurse my baby, change that little bum... thinking all those things I got to do with Elijah just broke my heart. I honestly didn't think I could do it. I started screaming in the room... I am sure the nurses thought I was crazy.

Mercy really needs to have a place for D&C patients that is NOT the Maternity Ward... not the same exact room where I had my son. The admitting lady, when we first arrived, gloated at the "little lullaby" that plays every time a baby is born. It was playing while she was filling out our insurance forms. Daniel and I just sat there... that hurt.

I feel better now that it is over, no more waiting in limbo... wondering what is going on. Having an answer helps.

I know that without God, I couldn't have done this. Honestly I probably would gone mad or something. I kept thinking about that song "Power of Your Love". It kept playing over and over in my head.

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I'll rise up like an eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
By the Power of Your love

I am not sure what God's purpose is in this heartache... or why he chooses me to endure the test of my strength over and over again. I know He has a plan and I feel blessed to be a part of it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Sarah. What an awful thing to go through, not just once but so many times. It makes me marvel at the strength you have to want to continue trying to have another baby after being so heartbroken.

    I have often wanted to write a blog about miscarriages, but I always feel so unworthy to write one as I have never experienced that kind of grief. It's the one thing I will never understand the Lord doing, and probably the first thing I will ask him when I'm in heaven.

    Why does God give us hearts for such precious babies and then take those babies back to heaven?

    Right now, the only rational thing I can think is that those special, precious little babies were just too sweet, and too wonderful for him to part with. I often think he just couldn't bare to part with them. And that, at least, makes me happy that I know they will never know the ways of this earth. That their only lullabies will be sung by choirs of angels, and that the only arms they will ever know are the arms of the best Father in the universe.