I fully understand that talking about miscarriage is taboo. I know most people don't want to hear about it...however... as a woman that has had several, I wish more people did talk about it. Talking about it helps the healing process. I want to tell everyone about the few short weeks I was pregnant. I want to tell everyone how much we loved that baby. I want to tell everyone the dreams we had as a family. I know other parents of pregnancy loss want to do the same. This is a child that is still loved, very much... even at only a few weeks old. We will love this baby, and think about this baby daily.
Today Daniel and I were told that our baby love has gone to heaven. Kinda don't know what else to say to that fact. It hurts, my heart hurts...
I had to have a D&C early tonight, it was quick and painless. Being in the room that I had first meet my son not even 2 years early was probably the hardest part. Knowing I won't get to hold my baby, see that little lip quiver, nurse my baby, change that little bum... thinking all those things I got to do with Elijah just broke my heart. I honestly didn't think I could do it. I started screaming in the room... I am sure the nurses thought I was crazy.
Mercy really needs to have a place for D&C patients that is NOT the Maternity Ward... not the same exact room where I had my son. The admitting lady, when we first arrived, gloated at the "little lullaby" that plays every time a baby is born. It was playing while she was filling out our insurance forms. Daniel and I just sat there... that hurt.
I feel better now that it is over, no more waiting in limbo... wondering what is going on. Having an answer helps.
I know that without God, I couldn't have done this. Honestly I probably would gone mad or something. I kept thinking about that song "Power of Your Love". It kept playing over and over in my head.
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I'll rise up like an eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
By the Power of Your love
I am not sure what God's purpose is in this heartache... or why he chooses me to endure the test of my strength over and over again. I know He has a plan and I feel blessed to be a part of it.