como estas? and taco bell?

That is about the extent of my bilingual abilities...

I have never felt so out of place, as I did last night. I went shopping at the mall. Seriously, I was the only not Hispanic person in the mall. Every store I went into, every cashier, every fitting room attendant and every girl working the jewelry counter knew not a single English word. I am being completely honest here. I started getting annoyed!

Then...

I went to get my haircut. A nice gentleman motioned for me to sit at his booth. So I walk over and sit down. I smile and start making small talk. Asking him how he was, and how his day had been so far. He just smiles and nods then starts cutting my hair. I stop him, and say "don't you want to know what I want done?" He smiles and nods some more and keeps cutting. So I tell him anyway... "Short, but not extremely short, wispy, sexy rockstarish... you know... just cute... same thing I have, but shorter..." and he just stares at me... so then I ask, "do you speak English?" and he says "English?" and shakes his head no.

ACK! In my personal opinion... If you work with the public you should be able to converse in the nations dialect.

So... with that... I say...

Dear Santa,

I have been very good this year... I am sure you already know this. I know how you and Jesus share and compare notes... you sly dog... Anywise... For Christmas this year I would like a "Learn Spanish" cassette tape.

You're Biggest Fan,

Sarah Whipple

waiting for the bad karma

I made the dressing room attendant at Wal-Mart cry... I didn't set out to be mean; it just kinda slipped... I was shopping for a new... uh... supportive undergarment... I was wandering threw the isles, she sat at the desk and I could see her watching me...

Now the choosing of this undergarment is actually a taxing experience. For me at least... the specific type I am looking for is rather uncommon... so...
I make a few selections and proceed to wait in the line for a dressing room.

The attendant working the dressing room (Who is extremely large, the largest women I have ever seen {really and truly}) starts making small talk with me. That was fine. Then she starts comparing her and I. Making comments on how we are the same. Me being the realist I am blurt out, "You, dear women, are fat. Plan and simple. I would be considered thick. You and I are much different. You say you have trouble finding a good fitting bra, that is only because you are fat. Try duck tape to keep those little boobs of yours from knocking someone out when you waddle around."

She handed me a number for a room with tears in her eyes... I felt bad, and was extremely embarrassed.

spending too much time inside my thoughts

So I am at work. It has been a extremely slow day. Which is normal. The Salon doesn't get much business in the mornings, so I am left cleaning the same things everyday. Sweep and mop the floors. Wash the walls. Dust the shelves, organize the product, wash and dry then fold the towels. Clean the air conditioning vents. Wash the windows inside and out. Wash the floor boards, wash the doors, clean the blades of the fans in every room… anything to keep busy… it gets real old, real fast. I seem to tune the radio out after only 3 hours of being at work.

So I am left with silence, which I have found to be dangerous. Self-pity and "would have beens" are kept fresh on my mind. I have discovered that a break up of two friends is much like the break up of love relationships. You are left hurt and feeling alone. First blaming the other party and hating the feeling of being "took". Going to friends and family looking for comfort and rationalization that you are in the right. After that feeling subsides, you wonder if you are the one to blame. What did 'I' do wrong? Feeling guilty for hurting the other party. Thinking you are incapable of keeping true friends, almost hating yourself. Then I remember what had happened. The very start of 'end'. I remember what kind of person the other party was, how she acted, the people she fooled. I didn't have to lie to my friends and family to make them "take my side"… I have to remember that I did love her, she was my best friend. She is in almost half of my wedding pictures, I valued her friendship, admired her talents, and loved doing nothing with her. I have to remember that she was the one that decided she didn't need me. She never did feel the same about me. She is a survivor and that is what she was doing.," Surviving". She used me and every member of my family to survive. When we could no longer support her she had to move on. To rely on someone else to take care of her.

I am not writing this to "get revenge". This is more for me to sort things out. I do need advice on how to heal this wound. How do I make it go away?

On a more positive note… Daniel finally got a call for a job that he has been wanting… It is really exciting for us… hopefully by next month we can be in our own home. Yea! Then I can have my computer up and I can download my pictures and just feel better… I do miss my computer… funny how attached I feel to it… really sad…

I really hate this heat… it is November. It should be cold outside, not 90 degrees! Crystina wrote a new blog this week. She has already decorated her house for Christmas. Insane… but that's Crystina… she cracks me up!

I am really bored here at work… just bored, bored bored… perhaps I should go back to cleaning…

does it always smell this icky?

So we have been in Arizona a whole week! So far so good... other then the fact that the area stinks... literally... It reminds me of Mexico... anyone else remember that stench?

The ride down was something else... a bad experience... ha... It took us about 28 hours or so... twice as long as 'Mapquest' quoted. Somewhere after Bakersfield (hour 20) I lost it. The cat in the backseat had been crying the whole way. My emotions were under the influence of too many energy drinks and the fact that my family was the opposite direction of where we were headed. Our cell phones had gone dead a few hours back, so, I flashed my brights at Daniel and we pulled over and I cried the crazy out. Later in the night we pulled over at a rest stop. It was late, and driving in the dark is boring. The scenery doesn't change... its black... just always black... so we ran back and forth the sidewalk like insane people... it was to get the blood flowing so we wake up and stretch the muscles... but the truckers were laughing at us...

Then...

It was awful!!!! We were driving down the freeway... not going very fast because Daniel was pulling the trailer... it was right before we got to the border... so... it was about 3am... a jackrabbit ran in front of Daniel... he ran over it with the truck... then... it flew into the front of my car!!! I can not describe how gross this was! It was like slow motion... seeing this red bloody bunny flying threw the air and into the front of my little car! I threw up a little... I don't think I will ever be the same... ha...

Then I had to pee... again... this was something that kept annoying Daniel... just about every 40 min or so... well not that much... but I was drinking lots of caffeine (which made me sick the next day... I felt like I was going threw caffeine withdrawals... I got a head ache and was shaky... it was funny) so... we were on this windy road and hadn't seen a sole or a building for an hour or so... I started to panic... I waited ten more miles... nothing... then another ten miles... I started to cry (again... remember the influence of energy drinks and 20 hours or straight highways...) so then I just pulled over... hiking a few feet off the pavement into the dessert... keeping a ear out for rattlers and coyotes (which were abundant on the side of the highway... which creept me out!) then I started thinking about monster spiders and scorpions... All the scary movies start out this way! Argh!!! But I was desperate! so...

We got across the border around 4:30 am... I was asleep in a comfy bed around 8am... It was the longest day of my life!

I started my new job the next day! I can honestly say I love it! It is really fun! The girls I work with are great! And my manager (Daniel sister...) is awesome! And... I get to tan for free! which is exciting!!!! woohoo!

Living with my 'in-laws' is actually going good... not as odd as I thought it was going to be. Other then having to deal with my newest "relative" (David's "wife"...my sister in-law{that made me throw up a little}) things are just super... I am getting set in a routine and have not gotten lost in the last two days...

This place is huge! It has all the amenities of a big city... even a Mimi's Cafe (they have the best muffins!) I am very much looking forward to exploring this place!!!

I do, however, feel awful for not saying 'goodbye' to some of my lovely friends... I wish I could have had a few more hours to visit you!!! I can't stay away too long, so plan on having coffee with me in the near future!!!

I love and miss you all!!! I have a new phone number... so... don't call the old one cause it is not me...

Broken heart, packing kitchen appliances woes and she rambles

I lost a good friend last week. Don't be sympathetic, its not like she died. She moved away and had no use for me anymore. I considered us best of friends, that is why she was my maid of honor at my wedding. I valued our friendship. I expected us to be friends for many many years. She even got together with my chidhood best guy friend (something that only happens in movies)... They make a good couple...I imagined their wedding, and our children being friends...

I am rather distraught over the whole ordeal. It makes me feel sick. I can only imagine what sort of stories she creates to turn people/her friends against me. As if it was a war. I am sure there are a handful of people out there that are convinced I am a man stealing (remember, I am happily married), attention hungry, bully that used her to better myself. Same thing she told me about some of her other used-to-be-friends. What really confused me was her reasoning for her ending our friendship... the reason why changed with each email... Then everything made since, she was just trying to get rid of me like the others... I could use this sliver to cyber space to tear apart this girl. To defend myself against her antics. To trash talk her and create lies to make her look bad... but I just can't do that. She was my friend and I loved her.

I did learn quiet a bit from her though. She taught me to be brave. To smile when life is a drag. She taught me that I don't have to appease everyone. To take bubble baths with candles and a good book. She taught me that it is alright to be angry. How to make life interesting and always fun.

I am thankful for my poor memory. I tend to block the bad things in my life, and I am already forgetting the painful conversations that took place this last week. Soon alls that will be left are the amazing memories of the crazy adventures my friend and I experienced. So in my world that is where I will keep her... Somewhere between Ozzfest, driving home from San Diego, and throwing playground balls at monkeys in the gym...





So Daniel and I will be leaving for Arizona on the 10th (of next month... October)... It is less than two weeks away. I am not scared anymore. My parents are already talking about "when they come visit in two months or so" I am more then ready to move... well... other then packing... which I hate to do... hate with a passion... I would rather get a tooth pulled them pack... you get ice cream with dentist visits... you only get paper cuts from packing....

For the last two week I have boycotted cleaning. It isn't going as I planned. Daniel and I live with another couple who don't seem to see the need to share household responsibilities. I am not the only one who uses the toilet or shower... But Daniel has ended up picking up the slack, because he is just sweet like that. It isn't fair to him, so I will have to cave in... no more roomates... never again...



I have found a old friend... I just love when that happens... she is just as I remembered her... charming, bubbly and very talkative.. and now she has my living room furniture... that's kinda funny to me... I hadn't seen her for ten years or so... myspace is awesome ...

Let me paint you a picture

let me paint a picture for you...


It is a warm summers day at Shasta Lake. The lake is full of happy familys driving there boats around, enjoying eachothers company. My familys boat is anchored close to shore. My little brother Jacob is in the mud, covered head to toe. My little sisters are basking in the sun, browning theire tans. My Dad has his binocliers glued to his face, scouting the shore lines in hopes of spoting a fork-n-horn. My brother Zach next to him, holding his breath, praying for one also. Zach had just shot one yesturday, so it is Dads turn.

It was then my Dad jumped with excitment! "It is across the lake on the far shore, lets go"! He reaches over the boat and yanks my brother Jacob from the mud and pulls in the boat. Zach pulls the anocors in as my Dad floors the boat into gear. They speed across the lake and pull a compleat 180. Spraying the boat next to them with cold water as well as in the family boat. Amy and Katie stand up in protest "you got us wet". My dad pulls out his bow-n-arrow, Zach pushes Katie and Amy to the floor. Mean while the boat next to them see the deer also. The children in the other boat are excited to see wildlife and say "Mommy look a dear, isn't he so cute!"Just then my dad lets go and takes the shot. The screams of the children in the other boat we loud, but not as loud as the deer.

The deer colapses to the dirt and starts rolling towards the water. Zach jumps out of the boat and swims to shore, pulls the deer out of the water and guts the animal right then and there. Zach throws the guts up the hill then holds the deer up for my family to see. "Alright Daddy!" was the words said as the other family in the boat drove away screaming still...

Not feeling so strong

I just don't understand... I have these people in my life... lets call them "people I think of as friends" of sorts... when you need them the most woosh they disapear from the raidar... or turn pshyco and ignore you, then call you the next day and act normal again... I am just left... here... wondering...

So... Daniel and I are moving to Arizona next month... It might as well be the moon... Redding is my home, and always will be... but with the cost of living and the low paying jobs, we can't even squeek by... Daniel parents live in Arizona, and we both have a job waiting for us... I am scared to death, I have always had someone to come to my rescue, whether it was my grandma bringing my Starbucks at work in the morning, or my Aunt Mary giving me a ride to the store... All of my yesturdays, where I grew up... so many good memories, and lessons learned from the bad ones... I am afraid I will miss something important in my brothers and sisters life... or grow a friend into a stranger... This is a good move for us though, I know it is what God wants... I have compleate confidence in Him...

So... we went dumpster diving today for boxes... we found some real good ones... now alls I need to do is put all my stuff in them... I would ask for volunteers, but I super anal about my stuff... and I don't want you touching it... not that its really nice and expensive... its just how I am...

Last Saturday... and stuff

Last Saturday was my friday... I worked hard all week and was going to spend the next two days up at Trinity Lake with my family. I was so excited!!! Daniel and I packed our car and were going to head up there when I got off at 6...

It was a super busy day last Saturday. It was the first of the month and a holiday weekend... On top of that it was the day all the crazys were out...

The Man Hater


I was walking a lady to her car, pushing her basket of groceries and trying to make small talk... I wasn't expecting what would happend next... it went something like this...

me- "so, how are you today?"
lady- "of course you would ask me that... this has been the worst day of my life..."
me- looking disturped "oh, I am sorry to hear that... at least the weather is nice..."
lady- "it is too hot, and I dont even care about the weather. my husband left me this morning for his brothers step grandaughter..."

at this point the lady gets in front of the basket and stares at me

lady-"before he left he told me about every affair he has had in the last thirty years... this afternoon he emptied our bank account and took my car..."

me-"uh... wow"
lady- "dont ever get married... how old are you?"
me-"23, and I am married... and he is a nice guy"
lady- "they all are nice at first"

then the lady gets in her car while I load her groceries.



The Zit Girl


I was following a women in between cars pushing her basket. She forgot where she had parked so we were just wandering. I happend to look in this old bucket of a car. There was a gigantic women in the front seat. She had the mirror down and was proceding to pop pimples all over her face. It just wasnt on quick one ya know... She was really going at it. I was sure her whole face was going to pop off. It was so gross...


The Pathetic Wimp


This lady walks up to the register holding a single apple and a bottle of water. I ask her if she perfered paper or plasic. She said plasic... I go to hand her the bag, she looked at me and said "I am out this way"... I was just flabergasted... so I followed her out carrying her apple and water. She looked over her shoulder and said "bad back ya know..."


Mean Ol Rich Lady

This didn't happen to me... Poor little Ashley was bagging for this big ugly lady, that was buying to much... She was the kinda customer that comes in every week and spend $400 on groceries... of course she asked for paper, packed lightly... so Ashley did... she even had to get another cart because the lady had so much stuff... Normally when the order ends up in two different carts, the customer pushes one out and the curtesy clerk gets the other... but this lady starts walking off so Ashley is stuck pushing one and pulling the other...


The Man in Charge

Speaking of Ashley... She is getting married this Saturday... She asked for the time off a long time ago, and has reminded the people in charge of the schedule often... however when the schedule came out this week the gave her the day of her wedding off, and that all... not the rehersal dinner or after... I just thought that was sad...


Crazy Eyes

This lady walks up to the register, she had dirty blonde hair and dark wrinkly skin. She was wearing a purple halter top and acid washed overalls and no shoes... and her eyes were both lazy... she asked for a pack of Camel Lights. I go to get them, the cashier rings them up and tells her it is going to be $5 something. The customer goes crazy... "they are how much?" and then she starts laughing as if it was ironic or something... she pulls out a ten dollar bill and throws it at the cashier... she gets her change and she laughes all the way out of the store...


It was just a odd day... we had alot of drunk people come in and try to buy more alcohal... alot of kids try and make a mess of stuff... the day went buy rather quickly for me... which was good... The weekend wasnt as relaxing as I hoped...

We spent most of Sunday on the boat. My brother Zach was driving us around and stuff. He doesn't slow down for big wakes, so my back is all bruised up from hiting the railing of the boat. Sunday night I had to drive my mom back into town so she could take her puppies to the emergency vet place... They were at home with my sister Amy. The cats knocked over some pain medication from the counter to the floor and the puppies ate all of it. They had to get there stomaches pumped and stuff. They are fine now, but it was kinda scary...

Daniel stayed up at camp when I took my mom home... It was real late when I got into town and I didn't want to drive up the hill in the dark. So I stayed home... all alone... For the first time sence we got married... It was kinda scary... and cold... and I was sure the boogieman was going to get me...


So... I am desperatly trying to find a different job... I am not sure where God wants me... but I am thinking I should persue working at makeup counters... Like at Macys or Gottchalks or something. I have quite a bit of expereice with cosmetics and skin care stuff... I think it would be good... so wish me luck on that...

So it is September, which means Halloween is soon gonna be here... I am not sure what I should be... I am thinking a superhero of sorts... like Underdog or KungPowFooie... I am not sure though...

yo fellas, play the melody

Is there more than this? How can it get better when it has just gotten worse? Every step was taken to make it easier, but it has sunk rock bottom. Hard work has left me exhausted, and has yet to pay off. The good guy never gets a break. I am not happy. In fact, I think I am depressed... A college education is just crap, no one cares if you have a bacholars in Liberal Arts. Every job in the paper requires you have two years experience... How the heck can someone get two years if no one gives them a chance... All the stupid people ahead of me screwed up and left employers pissed off. Now they don't trust anyone...

I work hard... very hard... and learn fast... Im smart... but no one belives me... Raleys is fine... Its hard physical work, and someday... soon... I want kids, and that job won't do... you can't be prego and collect carts in the 110 degree heat... It seems all the employees have relationship issues, and I think it is because they never get to spend time with their partner... It seems Raleys ruins familys... they have all been devorsed several times, and have no friends, exect eachother... one lady told me the only time she sees her husband is on the freeway, he is driving home from work, and she is driving too work...

Being married is tuff work in itself... I am still learning... and I love my family, but these long odd shifts are making me a stranger to my little brother and sister... I don't think I can handle much more ... My house is a disaster and I am just too tired to do anything about it...

Raleys bennifits are awesome though! They are in the top 19f the nation, even if you are part time... I like that, it is very intising...I have soooo many stinken problems with my health, and this is almost an answer to pray... but... then there is the whole not being happy thing... I don't know what is better...

Next month I am suppose to go to a Kid Rock concert with two of my very best girl friends... I am not sure if that is going to happen... They want to repo my car... and truck... and turn off our electricity... and take away the tv we bought last month...

Daniel took me on a mini date tonight... It was fun... we went to a little hole in the wall mexican resturant... It was loud and busy... really fun...

It seems stupid to be depressed over lame things like that... so many people are hurting and dying all over the... I have nice things, and a loving husband. My family loves and supports me, I have a job, a fridge full of food, two crazy cats, amazing friends... My life is good... really good... but I just want to cry, it feels like my whole body is broken... I want to be happy again... I want life to rewind, maybe I can change something I did and It will turn out better...

So I am pretty exited about some movies comming out... First I heard about Transformers... that just stoked me... then today I heard about Beerfest... and that just sent me over the edge! I just love Broken Lizard...

I also love my new hair cut... it makes me feel sexy... kinda... I keep getting in trouble at work cause of it though... My hair falls in my face, and I guess it is against dress code. All hair needs to be away from the face, and pulled back... but when it is 110 degrees plus with humidity my hair kinda does whatever it wants too, and I sweet and all my makeup smears and customers look at me like I am a greasy hillbilly that is the scum of the earth, so they treat me like a slave... "double bag all of my groceries in paper, execpt the cold things, I want those in a plastic... doubled also..." then they walk off and I have to follow them with their cart of groceries... on the way out the door they always say something like "oh my, it is rather hot out today, I sure wouldn't want to be working out in this heat (as I am pushing the 80 pound basket to their car... which is parked across the black pavement parking lot cause they found a sliver of shade...) I hope the ice cream doesn't melt, you did put it in a freezer bag right?" and I just have to smile and nod as sweat drips down my face... and thank them... cause "customers pay my wages" which is true, but when did I sign my dignity over to strangers... argh...

I want my weekend back... I liked having a set schedule every single day of the year... saturday and sunday were my days off, and I knew that... I want to be able to go to church again... I don't know why I like church, I really didn't like the people... I just liked learning... I kinda want to go back to school too, which I know won't happen for a LONG time... school is expensive... It is kinda ironic... I hated school when it was free... I felt it was a waste of time... I still kinda feel high school was a waste... but now I have to pay to go to school, cause I want to, but I can't afford it or have the time...

I need something chocolate...

beat that bongo

Driving down the road today I started thinking about superheroes. I wonder if life would be better or easier if I had some sort of superpower. Then i drove by a road construction site it occured to me we were amongst our very own everyday superheroes. You throw a construction suit and orange reflector on a high school dropout and suddenly he becomes the controller of every car that comes his way. He is invincible. He can stop a speeding car with nothing more than an outstretched dirty fingernailed hand. You are at his mercy as to when you can proceed with the rest of your life. I always feel bad for the guys in the middle of the road with the "stop" or "slow" signs. I always smile and wave, hoping to make there day a bit better.

I spent most my morning looking for a different job. I am getting desperate. I applied at a sweatshop of sorts. They make rock climbing harnisses. The manager gave me a pre-interview, he was nice. He told me he knows my dad and thats a plus for me because they only hire people who have worked in merchendising before. Which is odd, because the only people I saw working were little asian girls that were all speaking really fast and glaring at me with their squinty eyes. I know that they are not even making mininum wage and have only worked in stawberry fields.

My job working at Raleys isn't really that bad. I just don't like the people. My superviser is total butch and she is really mean. She thinks people talk about her all the time and make fun of her. Which its true, but it is kinda hard not to. She walks, talks and looks like a man, with really big boobs... There are some great people that I work with. They keep me saine... Most the people, however, take bagging grocieriers WAY to seriously... They act as if the customers only come to that Raleys to see them... "If you create a friendship with the customers, they will come back." They come to Raleys because it is close to their house, or on the way home from work, and they really do not care about you. The cashiers don't realize that people have lives outside of Raleys. They say we are a "family"... I have a big family, and I like them... and the people at Raleys are not my family...

So yesturday I cleaned house, made a pot roast in my crock pot and made a chocolate cake. It made me feel really "wife" like.

I am so excited for Clerks 2 commin out to theaters. Daniel has never seen Clerks, so I rented it for him... I think I need to eat something... so...

what nerves of steal?

So today, after work, Daniel and I are driving down to Oroville to meet his Grandma Pat. I haven't meet her yet, beings she lives far away and is visiting relatives in California... I am a little nervious... not too sure why... I am excited at the same time...


oh butterflys....

what do you do for money honey

So i just realized that I work at Raleys.... er... well I know I work at Raleys, but thats my job... I have been out of high school for almost 6 years and I bag groceries at Ralyes supermarket.

A few weeks ago I got a letter in the mail that said my teaching certificate is in voided because they class I have taken (at Shasta Bible College) are not certified. I called the college and they told me that they are not certified through the state which means that I can't teach or get my teaching certificate. So basically I am screwed... I spent the last 5 years of my life taking classes for the hell of it and nothing more...

I have been a lil depressed about all this. People I have graduated with are off at college just about to start their careers as accomplished whatevers. I am married, in a 2 bedroom townhouse, bagging groceries to pay off my credit card debt.

I am determined that I will not work at Raleys for much longer. I hate it... I have thought about ways I could get out of working, but I am pretty sure that even if I were in the emergency room they would call me to bully me back to work...

My life is not were I want it to be at the moment... I am stuck waiting on God for a blessing and guidence...

Plastic or Paper

so today i start my new job... i am a little uneasy about this... i have no idea what i will be doing. alls i know is to show up at one pm in my uniform... its scary being the little guy on the totum pole... at preschool i was it, the bomb yo... people came to me and asked me questions, and i knew what to say... i had all the answers, i did whatever i wanted... it was nice... but now... i have to answer to high authorities (of sorts) ... this bothers me... i hate not knowing what will happen... this job is good for me, and daniel... i wont be craby and emotionaly exhausted at the end of the day... I HATE CHANGES... argh... i need to sleep, but my mind is wandering... i so want some OJ... and french toast... yum...

Impossible Reality

Fear of your thoughts holds me speechless. The love you have for this stranger capsizes normal emotion and is drowning me with your dreams. Tears of "what if" fall down my face, I close my eyes and try to sleep the worry away. You can't love me... Terrified...I want to run away, you just can't love me. Emotions I found impossible to expose have taken form. I don't understand, you don't know me, or do you? So lost in this web of us...

doubting Tomas

The love and acceptance you show me surpass the understanding of my phynite mind. Why do you, God, creator of the earth, the galaxies, and all eternity want to love me? What have I done to deserve the love you give? A doubting demonic spirit has preoccupied my thoughts with fear of rejection. Thinking you have left I start searching. Have you taken and earthly form? Eyes open wide, blindly I call out to you. My cry's so loud I swear the heavens have to hear. Months pass. I fall to my knees and decided you have abandoned me. I close my eyes and look inside myself for the reason of abandonment, searching deep inside myself. Past every action and moment. I find you. Tears fall down my cheek. You have done just as you promised, but why did I forget? I know you will never leave, I know you will always love me. The imperfection of my faith boils the rage of hate against myself. Why cant I know without thinking and believe without question that the love you have for me is unfaltering?

I would kick my butt

If the me from high school meet the me of now, it would try and pray the demons out. Funny how I ended up being all the things I hated. I have thought it over, analyzed it through and through, why... why did I change.


Jennifer asked "Do you think that you were the way you were because you felt you had to be that way?"

hmmm.... ya... I think so....

People expected me to be a Bible Thumper. They Expected to see me at Church Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. I was expected to be in the Christian Club at school and I hoped to "See you at the pole." I was good at being the Jesus Freak and loved the title. Every day was a mission... "win lost souls for Christ..." or so I thought... it was more of an obsession...

It took a LONG time for me to realize.... I HATED WHO I WAS... So much anger was built up, I was holding back from living for so long. I feel I wasted so much time being someone else.

I am not complaining or saying my parents stuffed religion down my throat. I believe the Bible is the true word of God. Jesus died for our sins on the cross. He was buried and rose the 3rd day, he ascended into heaven and is coming back. The only way to heaven is threw him, and he welcomes everyone...

I am not sure of the point of this blog... I am moving this week, so I have been packing all my stuff, and I happened upon my journal from high school. I was reading it and was amazed at how much of a angry person I was a bitch, I hated everyone. And yes, I can say that cause Jesus hella loves me!

But I really think I have changed, I have learned to love the sinner, but hate the sin. That was something I didn't know how to do in high school...

Don't look at me when I cry

How is it that two people, who shared countless days full of fun and laughter, end up being strangers... Which one desided to let the other one go? Maybe we wern't that great of friends... I guess that I made it out to be more than it really was... I just don't understand... she taught me so much about life and friendship and to "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold..." then she disapears... god I am so stupid... hanging on to this, she has been gone for almost 4 years now, but it hurts just as bad as the day she left... I have issues...

Jennifers story... revised..

Jennifers story... revised..

This is a story about a girl. A story about a girl and a boy.

Once upon a time, in a not so distant kingdom lived a average girl named Jennifer. She was a very beautiful Italian with a spitfire attitude. She lived with old maid and two messy teenagers in an old golfers mansion. The teenagers would take advantage of her humble spirit and willingness to serve. One day a letter arrived at the house. It was a summons from King Walli Walla Hoca Luggie for all the available maidens of the land to attend a sock hop at the palace. Whoever could impress King Walli Walla Hoca Luggie with the best dance moves will win his son, Prince Charming Llamamans hand in marriage. Jennifer had always had a crush on Llamaman, ever since the disco day at the lake, but she was just a silly average gal, and he was oh so gorgeous with his pink polo shirt and mischievous blank stares. Oh how Jennifer wanted to attend the sock hop, even if she wasn't the winner, getting to see Llamaman was a reward in itself. The teenagers would never let her out of the house. Especially to compete in a competition that involves the winner to permanently dedicate herself to the upkeep of another residence. She had think of a way to get out of the house! All of a sudden Jennifer herd a loud rumble from outside. She looked out the window. There in the middle of the lawn was a black 1987 Ford F-250 V-8 truck. With a 8" lift sitting on 42" Wild Country swampers. Decked out with a roll bar and six KC lights. Grill bar with bull horns tied to the front and a "Git R Done" sticker plastered on the front window (which was tinted). Jennifers eyes widened as a beautiful blond stepped out of the monstrous truck holding a shotgun. "Where the heck is Jennifer?" Yelled the woman. " here... here I am, but who are you?" asked Jennifer. The woman sighed and with an annoyed sound in her voice replied... "I is Sarah, your darn fairy Godmother to make all your sugar coated dreams come true. Now get your butt in my truck, we aint got all day. Oh and put these magical plaid socks on, there SURE to catch Price Charming Llamaman's eye... " Jennifer quickly did as the not so friendly fairy asked. And the two gals were off to the sock hop. Upon arriving Jennifer was greeted then taken aside to register her name with the other zillion competitors. Shortly the sock hop began. Hours, days, and months pass, but King Walli Walla Hocka Luggie and Prince Charming Llamaman were not impressed by any of the competitors. Then Jennifers name was called, as she started busting a move King Walli Walla Hoca Luggie started to cry as Prince Charming Llamaman took Jennifer in his arms and announced to everyone that this was his true love. And they lived...

shes naked, shes juggeling, shes got a beer bottle in her butt...

can you see the bottle? I can see about half of it...


I am so sick of my job. Same thing every day.... every week... month after month... I am in the same place I was four years ago. I thought if I invested time and energy into my work, take classes, maybe I could be director someday. Thousands of dollars, hundreds of essays, millions of words in text assignments, and I am left looking for help wanted ads in the classifieds. They really screwed me over. After I got married I couldn't be on my parents insurance anymore, so I let my work know I needed the paperwork for their health insurance. No big deal... or so I thought... The preschool I work at is part of a church, the church board makes all the decisions about the preschool and preschool staff. So after I told them I need insurance they had a meeting and decided that the preschool staff isn't eligible for any benefits. Even though I work full time. It makes me so mad! When I started working their four years ago I was given a 'personal handbook' In that handbook it said that all full time employees may receive benefits if they so choice, which included medical insurance... My aunt, who director (she had to quite because of all the drama... it wasn't worth the headache the church people gave her everyday) went to the church board (when she was still working) and told them that this is crap... she fought so hard... and one of the board members said... (and I quote) "The whole issue is petty"... that floored me!!! My health is not petty! grrr.... Since the director left their has been very low staff moral. I've heard the pastor and the administrator talk about giving the assistant director a raise. She makes more than all of us, and I haven't gotten a raise in years, and I make less then the kids next door at burger king (I went to school to have this job too!) I also heard them talk about making preschool staff "get involved in a children's church ministry" I have my own church I go to. AND I tried to "get involved" before, I tried to put together a youth group. I got zero support from the church... they pushed me out... I WILL NOT try and "help out" First Baptist AGAIN! Besides... the church administrator told me... "Girls can not lead in the church..." thats crap! I thought that things couldn't get this bad in a "church" environment...
I guess I was wrong...
Barf... gag... anyways....

I am still not unpacked yet. We moved... uh... two weeks ago... I think... I love our new apartment... er... townhouse... Its perfect!!! We got a new couch and matching loveseat and chair thingy. It makes me feel so grownup, being able to say "my husband and I bought 'new' furniture." I am kinda getting used to this "being grown up" thing. Not as scary as I thought...


Do you think Mitch chose the nurses uniform or the cheerleader outfit?